My first thread I think got too long for people to follow-- so I'm creating a new one with my current status. I've come to the point where I want to talk to a friend of mine about what I'm going through (same friend mentioned in my other thread). I have actually already scheduled dinner with him this Thursday-- and even told him I had something to talk to him about (I figured if I didn't tell him that, I would never get the guts to bring it up when we meet). So he knows something is up-- and I'm nervous as heck that he already suspects, but I really don't know if he suspects it or not; It could be a total curve ball to him. So, I am still trying to figure things out, but I'm pretty darn sure that I'm at least bi, if not gay leaning (kinsey 4-5, I'd guess). So, I want to basically just discuss this with my friend (who came out gay about a year ago). But I don't know what kind of things I should say, how to say them, or even how to progress the conversation into a direction that will be helpful to me. I think off the bat I want to at least get him to promise secrecy on the topic-- I've honestly never verbalised anything I want to talk to him about. I'm shaking right now even thinking about it. But I don't want to chicken out about this because it's fairly important that I get it figured out. It's practically a "coming out", I guess, but I really don't know if I want to call it that since I just want to discuss things in confidence with a friend. Also because I'm not even 100% sure about this in the first place. Anyway, I just need advice and confidence boosting.
you can ask the person to promise secrecy, but it doesn't mean they will actually do it. so if you feel like this is a good friend and you can trust them, go for it. if you don't and you're not ready to have other people know, then just pass until such a time when you are ready to talk. what exactly do you need to talk to them about? do you just want someone else to know that you are going through a self exploration process? what is your purpose for telling them. are there things you want to know about being homosexual that you think this person can tell you? no need to answer those questions to the forum. just have a purpose and reason for telling the person. so you said you may be gay or you may like guys. ok, the key word is "may". you may just be having some feelings and attractions and its nothing that anyone else isn't having. doesn't mean you need to run out and shout to the rafters...i'm gay i'm gay. you're not even sure yet. what you need to do right now is just not judge yourself. if you want to talk to your friend maybe start by asking, "hey i just wanted to know more about you being gay and what made you think you were? you're a good friend and its something we never really talked about and kinda avoided so i was just wanted to know more about it and what made you feel that way so i'd have a better understanding". he will probably tell you and also ask you if you are gay yourself. at that time you can take it from there. "well i cant say that i'm gay but there's something that's kinda going on that i wanted your advice but i need your promise of secrecy"......then ask whatever you feel like you need to ask. warning...some people like to put people in boxes. they may say: ok you are thinking about guys, you're gay stop denying. that's totally incorrect. if the "friend" starts down this path just tell him thank you for sharing and that you will keep what he shared with you in confidence and you would like him to do the same. dont feed into the "you had a thought about a guy so you are totally gay" nonsense. good luck
That didn't help, to be honest. Now I feel like I've made a mistake even mentioning I had something to talk about to him. Your reply gives the impression you think this is just a sudden whim that I feel the need to talk about-- where as from my perspective that's not the case. I really don't know what I want to gain from this-- probably just some sort of support and knowing that someone else knows. And I am fairly confident that he can keep it to himself-- we've been good friends for many years now. Something like this will certainly stay between us.
You sound like you are more than ready to come out to him! So, yes, definitely push yourself and do it! Don't over think it. Just tell yourself that you are going to do it and that's that. As a person who over thinks everything I can tell you that you can go over a 100 different scenarios in your head over and over again, but once you are there it all sort of just starts clicking together. Granted that it might be kind of awkward at first, but since your friend is also gay it should go pretty smoothly. Go ahead and tell him exactly what you just told us. That you just want to talk about it with someone and that you appreciate him as a friend and hope that he can be there for you. I'm sure he will understand completely
Yeah, I have no idea how it will go. We were supposed to meet today, then he txt saying he's sick. We rescheduled for next Tuesday. I was anxious all day, and getting that txt kinda relieved me for the whole day... but now I think the days will go by so slow until next Tuesday. Of course this gives me more opportunity to decide to back out. Verbalising these things makes it all too real-- and I'm honestly questioning it, but at the same time I feel like verbalising it can actually help me sort it out rationally in my head (that happens with most things I say out loud), while also getting feedback on it. But I feel the importance of figuring this out for myself to keep my sanity in the future. Keep the advice coming.
OK, I did it. I talked to my friend today. I told him beforehand that I had something to talk to him about. So, we were eating, then when we were done, it was seriously looking like we wouldn't get to it. Then, he finally asked "so, you said you had something to talk to me about....", and then I got into it. I felt super weird about it, and, had trouble motioning my mouth to even say some of it... but I basically brought myself to finally stop rambling and say "I don't think I'm straight." He seemed to take this as me being gay... but then I clarified for him that I didn't know if I was gay or bi. Then he seemed to understand the situation a bit better. It was an experience like none I've ever experienced before... saying these things out loud was really difficult. I'm partially happy I could do it (I narrowly escaped it, though!), but part of me also feels like I've made a terrible mistake-- makes it all too surreal that I'm not straight. I got out a lot of random thoughts I had on the topic... but after I left, there were a whole bunch of thoughts that I was like "oh yea, I should have also said that..." But, anyway, he told me he was really surprised by this... his gaydar never picked up on me. He did understand what I was going through, and he did vow to keep it between us. So, overall, I feel like the talk was a success, and we'll probably be getting together again at some point (on-line or otherwise) to talk about things some more. So... go me?
Of course go you !!! Congratulations (*hug*) It took you a lot of courage to open up to your friend like this. I understand it's scary because it makes it "more real", but you're going to be fine. Step by step, you're going to get used to it and in the end you'll be comfortable in your own skin. Take care, Cécile
Thanks everyone for the cheers. So, to follow up-- I couldn't sleep at all last night. I seriously spent the whole night tossing and turning thinking about every minute of that conversation. I got some serious espresso this morning to compensate, but I was just wondering if this is normal... all the post-worry and consideration/thinking. Even today at work I felt different. In one instance today, people were joking with me at lunch about me coming out of the closet as a txter while driving because I replied with a short 1 word answer recently shortly before getting somewhere. (nothing out of the ordinary for me, really... sorry, I know it's bad) But when I heard "coming out of the closet", I suddenly became super alert to what was going on to make sure they weren't somehow talking about this recent conversation with my friend. I'm like paranoid, almost, about people suspecting something being up. Things seriously feel different now that I've said this stuff out loud to someone. I don't know if this is good or bad yet.
yep, sounds like you did a good thing and told your friend. congrats. you feel different because your inner secret is out to one person. someone else knows. so basically you can't really deny it to yourself anymore. so now you feel weird because it seems real and you're not sure how to feel about that. this is a great time for you to just explore your feelings and not label yourself. be careful and safe and i understand the paranoia. good luck.
