Hullo all. Where to begin. Well, when I came out to my dad's ex she immediately booked a hotel room in missisauga and informed me I was going with her to Toronto's pride week (well, the weekend of it) as a form of celebration. I thought it would be cool as I've always wanted to check it out. I also invited my gay friend from the internet to join us because something about staying in a hotel room with my dad's ex and her friend was just weird. He booked the weekend off and met us downtown Saturday afternoon. First off, when I got to Toronto I started regretting going. When we got into the core of Pride I wanted to run away. No offence to anyone that went, but it's just not the place for me. I didn't fit in at all, I kept getting stared at, and my friend who when I've met up with other times at Wonderland and stuff was acting weird. It was a giant ball of awkward. Then we had dinner, which was amazing. I managed to forget about the awkward afternoon and just chill out. And we got back to the hotel room, two beds. Thinking we could be mature about it, My dad's ex and her friend slept together and I slept with my internet friend. Then my dad's ex brought out the alcohol. I drank.....a lot. My friend not so much, and by midnight we were in bed lights off. Thus started a hour long make out session. First off, I had never kissed anyone before, never touched anyone or been touched anywhere before. I just assumed I was gay as I am physically attracted to males. However, maybe it was the alcohol, or just who I was making out with, every time we kissed I wanted to throw up and cry. I remember saying "no" a lot as it was disrespectful to my dad's ex and her friend but he kept pushing on. It started getting really physical, like he kept trying to touch areas I'd rather not be touched especially with other people in the room. I stopped him multiple times, he got upset and called me a prude then went to sleep. I think one of the people I've talked to about it described it best as "borderline rape". The next day I woke up and vomited for a while and was a complete ball of emo until on the car ride home I broke down to my dad's ex about what went on. I don't know if I should be mad at my friend, did he take advantage of me? EDIT: Okay he did take advantage. But I didn't stop it either. =/ It's also got me questioning do I really like guys? It was my first physical interaction with one and if it was that miserable... =/ Maybe I just don't like to be physical with anyone at all? Should I try it with a girl, if I like that am I bi? Which is a whole other issue with me as (hate on me) I'm one of those people that don't really believe in bisexuality. I really just wish I could forget the entire thing, but I can't, and it's bugging me so much.
It wasn't "borderline rape." It was an all-out sexual assault. You said no and he didn't listen. The fact that you didn't enjoy it says nothing about your sexuality. You should break off contact with this guy.
Hey bud, First, let me say I'm sorry for your experience. That sounds really awful. I don't think you can really figure it out from one experience. I'm 27 and up until about a month ago, I've never done more with a soul on this planet but hold hands, but it the midst a manic episode (I'm bipolar) I went in search of hooking up to "figure it out" once and for all. It was awful... and I enjoyed it... and it was awful, like you said, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to leave, I wanted to stop and say stop. I had never intended my first time to be so meaningless, to not be with someone I loved. I definitely regret that. Now, I've been so determined to forget that experience that I really can't remember anything about that guy - his name, what he looked like, anything- it's weird. What I learned from this is that sex is not just about physicality. I think that when the time is right and you are ready, and love and care about the person you are with, it will be a totally different experience. I don't know if "trying it out" with a girl just to see is a good idea. My thoughts are that you want to be totally present when you're with someone. I think for me what made it awful was that we were both just using each other and didn't care - and no one deserves that. Don't lose hope. Each day is another step, only do what you want to do when you are ready. In my case, I realize that even though I now accept that I am gay, I am not ready for sex and relationships. When the time is right, I will know, but I'm not rushing anything. Hang in there okay?
First of all, I agree with Liam. No means no & there is no room for interpretation there. Your friend isn't much of a friend if he can't respect that. Second, this doesn't neccessarily mean that you're not gay. It probably means that you were just not ready for that kind of experience just yet. I have friends who wished that they had never had sex as young as they had because it didn't feel right & they weren't ready. Most likely, this is the case here, you just aren't ready to be with someone yet, & that's OK. I think that you're getting sick & throwing up probably has more to do with the drinking, but I would definitely say that the trauma of being flat-out assaulted would do it too. Best thing to do when you do think you are ready is remain sober. Alcohol + hookups = trouble, in most cases. Finally, if you're sure that you're gay & this wasn't enjoyable, another reason could just simply be you were not attracted to your friend. I would seriously reconsider associating with this person again in person because, even if your friend had the wrong idea & thought he was invited to make the trip for a hookup, you still said no. Period. This doesn't sound like someone who takes no easily & that can be dangerous sometimes.
Thank you guys for responding so fast. =D @Liam and Kiersten, That's pretty much what my dads ex told me, but we've been friends for 2 years now though...I feel like we should talk about it rather than just drop all connections. It just seems way to awkward to bring up though. I think you're right though about not being ready, and Kiersten is also right about me not being attracted to him. He was just so much different than the other times we've met up...it's weird. I definately will not be meeting him face to face for quite a while though. =/ @10super4 D: That's horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. >_< I'm in no way giving up hope though. I know what you're saying about finding that someone, and I'm sure it would have been different if I was at least attracted to the person. Definately not rushing. We've still got at least 60-70 more years on this planet. Waiting can't hurt.
Trust me, waiting is definitely going to be worth it! One day, you'll just meet the right person & he'll make you all weak in the knees & bam! you'll know it's right, it's meant to be & that you're ready. Just take your time & gie yourself every opportunity to discover who you are!
I'm really sorry you had that experience. It is the LAST experience that someone just coming to terms with themselves should ever have, and it sounds like a combination of bad things happened that created a perfect storm of negative experiences for you. First off, just as a point of order, Ontario law (maybe all of Canada) is unusually clear about issues like this. What you experienced was, without question, sexual assault and possibly rape. The law in Toronto says that an intoxicated person cannot consent to sex, so any sexual activity that happens with an intoxicated person, even if he fully consented, is automatically sexual assault. The fact that you said "no" just further reinforces this. So when you look at it in this context, saying you might not be gay because you didn't like being sexually assaulted by a guy would be like a woman saying that she might not be heterosexual because she didn't like being sexually assaulted by a man. It has absolutely nothing to do with your sexual orientation. Second, I note you describe your friend as "your gay friend from the Internet." Just out of curiosity, how old is he? While assholes can be of any age, my experience is that, more often than not, these situations happen when there's a power differential, meaning the assaulting party is a few years (or perhaps more) older than the party who has been assaulted. This piece might be useful to you in terms of coming to understand how power dynamics can play into your interactions with friends and others. Third, this guy is not your friend. He wanted into your pants, and even as you said no, didn't respect you or your boundaries. He was less drunk than you, so he clearly knew what he was doing. That alone would be enough to completely write him off if he were someone I had considered a friend. Finally, with regard to you and your sexuality... no wonder you didn't feel good about things. Here you are just discovering yourself and you're thrown into a huge, wild gay party. It's not surprising you felt awkward at Pride. Many people just coming to terms with their sexuality find Pride, particularly a huge one like Toronto's, to be very uncomfortable and not representative of who they are. The bottom line is, I think you need to think about and process the feelings about what happened to you. Someone violated you and it hurt and upset you. It conflicted with who you think of yourself as, it felt disrespectful to your mom's ex, and it felt uncomfortable. Anyone would be confused and upset by that, and most anyone would feel uncomfortable with the idea of any sexual interaction after that. I think once you come to terms with the fact that what happened to you was an assault, and that you were not in possession of your full mental capacity, it will be easier to then see that it's not sex with a guy that is unappealing to you, but exploitative, pushy encounters with someone you weren't attracted to that upset you. I think once you find someone you're genuinely attracted to, and who is respectful of you and your boundaries, you'll feel very different about sex and sexual attraction. Just give it a little time. If you think it might be beneficial to talk more about this in a less public setting, feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to discuss it further.
