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Disown threats

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wolfy, Jul 6, 2011.

  1. Wolfy

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    Recently, my mom threatened to disown me if I were to shave my face. And that I can't do anything like Testosterone, or Surgery until I'm out of her house.

    She can't accept me and it's been at least 5 months now since I came out. All the rude comments I get from my own family hurt, too. I don't know what to do...If I talk back I'll get yelled at, or get something taken away. I might even get kicked out of my house.

    She wont even call numbers of Therapists for me. I've been doing everything so far on my own. Such as getting a Tux, or getting on the male line for graduation. She says she just wants me happy, but by disowning me is going to make me hate her.

    I don't know what I should do. My entire family that I live with makes remarks about me, or teas me, and it..just hurts...


    I don't know what to do.
     
  2. Zontar

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    Normally I would appeal to people's reasoning in this case.

    Print out as much literature on the topic of Gender Identity Disorder as you can. Try to go for reputable sites like WebMD, the Mayo Clinic, or the DSM-IV (Gender Identity Disorder in Sexual Disorders and Dysfunctions at ALLPSYCH Online).

    Highlight relevant parts such as the need for therapy. The goal here should be to convince her to do one appointment with you and a gender therapist; if a professional tells her what you're going through, she might have an easier time accepting it.

    This is a challenge for her since she sees you as her daughter and it could be years before she finally accepts it, if ever.
     
  3. Wolfy

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    I've done this, and I went to Therapy the first 2 months or so then the therapist stopped showing up
     
  4. Katelynn

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    I know what it feels like Wolfy, at least a little bit. I want to come out to my parents, but their past history suggests that I'm likely to be disowned & thrown out of the house too. I honestly have gotten to the point where I don't even feel related to anyone in my family anymore because they don't even know me for who I really am. My dad has been on my case with criticism & insults since I was very little, I think because I've never measured up to what he wants in a son, so I'm terrified to tell him he doesn't even have a son but two daughters. At this point, I'm really just hiding from everyone except here on EC, so it's been really stressful. I can only say that I wish I have already taken the step you have and had the courage to come out to my parents, but at this point I feel like a total coward for wanting to protect myself from my own family...
     
  5. Lexington

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    Rule one - and this is going to be VERY tough at your age - you'll need to learn how to talk to your parents as an adult. It's tough because you've had fourteen years to operate under the "you are the parent and I am the child" dynamic, and it's going to be VERY easy to fall back into that. When you discuss your sexuality/gender with your mother, you'll need to speak to her as an equal. You're exchanging information with her, letting her know what's going on. Talking from the "child voice" - "but I wanna!", "why won't you let me?", "you can't control me!" - will let them keep playing the parent, which enables them to make decisions. Instead, you'll have to keep calm, and discuss things as unemotionally and rationally as possible. Your points should be made very clear.

    * This is not something you decided on a whim. It's something you gave a LOT of thought to.
    * You've come to realize that this is how you are. Threats or not letting you talk to people about it won't make you "give it up". It will simply make you more unhappy since you'll be unable to live how you are.
    * Make sure you understand where SHE is coming from. Address HER concerns and issues. Reassure her that this has nothing to do with her. You're not doing any of this to cause her grief or pain. Invite her to come along to some therapist sessions so she can learn more about what you're going through, and what the process is.

    You may need to give some ground. Don't insist on testosterone or surgery right now. In fact, I wouldn't bring those up again for awhile. You're going to need her in your corner if those are going to happen. So stick with discussing therapy, and what you're currently working on. If she refuses to go, don't force her. Make it an open invitation in case she'd like to talk to the therapist.

    Lex