Feeling like a coward

I can understand your fear. I've only recently come out to ppl recently, and am still adjusting. To imply my orientation to a complete stranger at this point would probably make me react in a similar fashion, if not the exact same way.

If you really cant find the books yourself, and really cant bring yourself to ask for help, you can always order them online.

 

I think I can relate, too. All my research on sexuality is online, because it's anonymous. I feel like if I go to the bookstore and look this sort of thing up there, people will start making assumptions I'm not ready to face yet, even though there's no way I'd be recognized (except by the staff, I go there a lot).

 

I had the exact same experience man. I was terrified as hell. I even have difficulty working up the courage to pick up a playboy in public lol. So a book implying, for everyone to see, what my sexuality is made me uncomfortable to say the least. I had to wait until I was alone in the aisle to look through the few selection of books they had. It's in like human interests or something like that rather than LGBT at Barnes and Noble now. I got through it, got several books to my name, but it was a challenge. That said, I'm a lot more open now months later to the point where I can message a guy I like around my other guy friends just as easily as I can message a girl I like. Basically, in the beginning it's rough - then it gets easier.

 

Happens to all of us. People grow up in different situations and environments and have different levels of insecurities (way too many to post here). IMO, the fear originates or is esculated by the environment they live in . I agree with the other posters. ONLINE is the way to go until you are ready..

 

Your fear is understandable, seeing as you are out to only 5 friends. You dont want to announce, to complete strangers, what your sexuality is when your closest family dont even know yet.

(*hug*)

 

Self-acceptance is probably one of the hardest things in the world to do, and it’s no wonder with all the crazy crap slung at us as we grow up. You have to act a certain way, you have to look a certain way. TV, movies, magazines, friends, family. The fact that anyone can find their way at all in this sea of horse shit amazing…..but I digress.
You can order the books online or find a store that has an electronic system in the store to look books up. When looking online see if it tells you what section its in, or when you ask for the title that isn’t embarrassing, even if they don’t have it, ask what section it would be in IF they did have it.
As for the panic you felt, hey it happens. Gays aren’t looked fondly upon is most of our society so it’s no wonder you felt a little nervous. Accepting who you are AND being ok with it are two big hurdles to overcome, but totally worth it. You’ll get there.

And don't beat yourself up over it, there isn't a gay man/woman out there is hasn't felt a little anxiety over their sexual orientation.

 

Don't let it get you down. I don't think I could even buy extra-strength condoms at the pharmacy without wearing dark sunglasses and a hat.

 

Yeah, don't beat yourself up over it. It's a sensitive subject, to be sure. I can't even stand in that section of a store and look because I'm afraid of people's judgments, etc., and I'm not entirely comfortable with the whole thing myself. I decided a good goal would be to eventually get a gay/lesbian magazine off the shelf sometime and read it. I'm working towards that point. I have ordered all my books on Amazon so far so it's pretty anonymous. Why don't you just order them on Amazon for now?

 

I can relate to that Bibliophile. Last week, I went to Walmart because I wanted to buy some hair care products & deodorant & to look at clothes for myself & when I got there, I walked all the way to the pharmacy section & then just stood staring at the shelf, just totally unable to pick anything up. I felt so embarrased & I hoped nobody had seen me. I couldn;t even bring myself to walk over to the ladies wear section. I ended up walking as fast I could over to the entertainment section & ended up buying a CD instead. I felt like such a coward too, but I'm just really scared of what people will think of me if I try to be myself. I HATE how I felt & I hated myself for being that way for days afterwards...

It's really hard, but I don't know. I keep hoping one day I'll be brave enough to ignore what other people are thinking. Besides, I guess I can't control what's in other people's heads anyway, but it still stops me from living my life all the time...

 

about 6 years ago i was in the same boat. someone had suggested a book to me about struggling with homosexuality. i wanted to get the book. i desperately needed the book, but i was afraid to ask for it at the store. i even looked over my shoulder when i went to the "gay/sexuality" area in the bookstore. would people see me, would they know i was into guys???? so i got up enough courage to ask for the book to one of the clerks. he told me they didnt have it. it was no big deal to him. he didnt even flinch. to me it was a big deal. i was paranoid. the lesson of the story is, you have to get the help you need. you have to get the info you need. same thing if you were going to have sex and needed to buy condoms or whatever, you have to get it. you have to buy it. one strategy that helped me during my research phase (which i still kinda in) is to pretend that you are just getting information for a research project. its a mental trick and it maybe its not the best thing because you're kinda in denial but it helps a bit.

 

Well...it kinda reminds me of when I used to go to different liquor stores around town, instead of the one 5 mins from my house all the time, because I didn't want the people that ran it to think I was a drunk.

Then I realized, they don't really fucking care..the only thing they care about is that my debit card clears and they get their money...so I go there 3 times a week when I'm in town now.

Point being, no need to be concerned about what people in the bookstore think about your reading habits...it's not like they are going to start saying when they get off work "Oh, this guy bought a gay book today"

But, if it does bother you...and if you looked them up on Amazon..why not just order them from Amazon? Seems to be a simple solution.

 

>>>Then I realized, they don't really fucking care..the only thing they care about is that my debit card clears and they get their money...so I go there 3 times a week when I'm in town now.

I'd say there's another point being made here, but it's off topic.

Lex

 

Haha..well, i live in a town and a neighborhood full of drunks..and I entertain a lot so I always have to be prepared

 

Mm-hm.

Lex

 

Don't feel like a coward, your not. You've only just come out, your confidence to openly tell others and discuss things that are related to your sexuality will come with time.

Next time you go to a store to purchase something like that...think of it this way. If they give you a hard time about being Bi they'll just get fired and look like a fool. Besides, Who cares what some random person whom you don't know, and probobly won't see again thinks