The only person I'm out to at work is my boss, and that's only because there was an issue with homophobic comments from a co-worker that had to be stopped. It was safe to come out to my boss, I've known him some time but only through work. He has had a lot of friends that were gay and has two lesbian family members, so I felt comfortable that it wouldn't negatively affect my job. It was a huge relief because we spend so much time together and it was so freeing to not have to lie to him all the time when he asked what I did last night, week, whatever. Plus he took care of the problem (had the person transferred). For quite some time (ok, since I was 14 and I messed around with my first girl), I've been living a sort of double life -- I work at a preschool, and had married a man about 4 years ago (apparently you can't marry yourself straight and that didn't last long, but I do have a set of twins from it ) so of course most people think I'm straight. I feel like I have been playing a role for years.. down to the way I do my hair, dress... all of it in the half of my life that is working in schools and getting my Master's degree and taking my kids to parks and activities, etc were concerned. Stuck so far into the closet for fear of being outed and it affecting my teaching career or kids' lives that I guess I was overcompensating by trying to appear as "straight" as possible -- hiding my musical taste, movies, places I went, all of it. And then on the other side of things, I am out in a lesbian book club, volunteered out at Pride this year, am a member of a gay and lesbian parents organization, etc. I feel like a disgusting hypocrite sometimes, but I do think most people understand it's not advisable to be out in a lot of situations so the gay community doesn't seem to condemn me... most of the time. People are confused when they find out I've been married and have kids.. and am a lesbian. So I have to explain myself a lot more than I would want. So with my very long separation and divorce (3 years and counting since we split) coming closer to being final (some contested things require us to go to trial soon), I've been selectively coming out when I feel it is safe because I realized I have the opportunity to live MY life and be MYSELF and hopefully find relief and happiness. But I'm seeing that for example with my boss, as I've become more comfortable talking to him about what's really in my cd player or what movie I saw or my REAL beliefs about whatever we're talking about during naptime/breaktime/downtime. I feel like I'm coming out as MYSELF at work (despite not having come out as a lesbian) because I'm not trying so hard to be this straight teacher stereotype anymore. But what I'm noticing is that it's making me feel alienated because they came to know me as the stereotype and the fact is I just don't have a lot in common with many of my straight co-workers.. and I have a straight girl crush on one of them. Ugh. I have one closeted gay co-worker who also knows better than to be out, but we both know that the other knows and just doesn't want to say anything. We get along great, it's such a relief when we're working together, and we both get along with my boss. Work is a big part of my life, obviously. But while I feel comfortable being myself around those couple people, when others are in the mix or when those couple people aren't there, I feel really alienated and realize that trying to let my "gay" life and my "straight" life kind of merge into MY life... is a whole heck of a lot more mess than I know what to do with. I just concentrate on being more open about myself and my interests, not really lying by omission anymore... for example, I'll tell someone I'm in a book club now, just not mention the "lesbian" factor, where before I would just have not told anyone about being in a book club at all. I know that I'm always going to be selectively out rather than marching around in a t-shirt than says LESBIAN on the front, but I dont want to feel suffocated or torn anymore. How do people with/who've had double lives (I know you're out there) reconcile this stuff in a healthy way? Is it better to just keep your "gay" life a secret? I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I just feel fragmented and confused.
I would say that you in the end it will benefit you to come out at work because you will be able to fully be yourself and not have to always worry about hiding a major part of your life. I know how hard it is because I am not out to many people but I think it will be good if you do come out. Good luck!
I struggled with similar issues for a period of time too. I was out personally but not professionally. It felt like there was a barrier between me and my coworkers and clients. I was reserved, which made it harder to create the relationships which are so important for professional success. I felt like I was living two lives. Eventually, I had enough of that and just started to be myself. I came out when the opportunity presented itself. I began taking my partner to the many functions I have to attend (holiday parties, fundraisers, etc.). I was completely out. And, do you know what happened? Absolutely nothing that I had feared. Just the opposite. My relationships deepened. I was more focused on work because I did not waste mental energy thinking about my double life. I had less stress. My co-workers ask about my partner regularly. They have welcomed him. In fact, I think they like him better than me. I also think I am now a more genuine, authentic person. As a result, I am better able to form relationships that are benefitting me professionally. By coming out at work, I think I will achieve more professional success.
This in inspiring. I was wondering if i should eventually come out to my co-workers. Ive got a lot of friends at work and feel a little ashamed every day for not letting them know. I think once ive told the rest of my family, ill tell my co-workers too now, (wouldnt want my family to hear something written on FB about me being gay from co-workers before they knew themselves)
thanks for posting this because i also live two lives. it is exhausting to keep it up and i'm sinking fast. as far as the straight life, all of my social activities are straight. my friends are straight, things i go to are straight. this is how i oriented myself. i would wonder and crush on guys in my head but i would not act on it. well some years ago, i started to explore. that began this other world, the "gay world". i visited some clubs, i met people from online. all the while i was hiding. in fear that the worlds would collide and somehow someone would let someone know. so to aid in preventing this i kept both worlds separate, i hid, i would "omit" things. i was very evasive. i also found myself being evasive in my personality as well. i wouldn't tell people i like the bravo channel because they would assume it was gay. if they were talking about sports, (which i have no interest in or knowledge about), i would never say i did not know anything about sports, i would just play along and change the subject. i would tell people certain kinds of music i liked because they would think it was "gay". i remember telling a friend that i liked a male recording artist's music and she asked me if i was gay. he was a hearthrob for women and i just said i really liked his music. i took that as a blow. anyway, the point i'm making here is that sooner or later, you have to stop living in two worlds. you are actually right now living in one world but you selectively decide who knows about your world. i think its exhausting and sooner or later, you will come to a point where you are like, "hey i'm tired." doesn't mean that everyone needs to know but does mean that you have to be more comfortable in your own skin so that at least for yourself accept that you are in one world.
s5m1, that really IS inspiring... maybe we don't give people enough credit sometimes. If I were only worried about dealing with what some co-workers thought, that would be different, but I work in a preschool. I do already know one co worker thinks gays are against god/disgusting/bad examples, the one I had to complain about, and there are a few others that have spoken out about "the gays". I'm afraid it will get back to the parents and that THAT could affect my job -- either with the parents not wanting me working with their kids, by somehow affecting enrollment, or that my workplace might start finding reasons to fire me if parents find out and complain. But I'm not out to my family either, which is why I feel so much like it's a double life rather than just work/not work. So work and family and some of my friends and everyone associated with my kids' dad... in the dark. I wonder on some level (I know this may sound drastic) if I might have to change careers if I want to be out at work... I have so, so much fear and anxiety about how the parents of the kids I work with (who would be a whole new crop every August) would react if they knew, and I've seen horror stories in the news about the gossip spreading about gay teachers and all kinds of negative effects... maybe if I lived in New York and not Texas I would be less afraid I think that's a lot of how my "straight" identity developed... to lose all I had worked for because I tripped someone's gaydar? No thanks. But now, I realize the toll it takes to pretend to be someone else for years...
i will add that you have to know what kinda environment you are coming out in. its not a safe place to come out in every work environment and sadly it could impact your job. not every place is supportive and there are some places that are and some that aren't. i think what you should do is come out to yoruself first. feel ok with living in one world. if you want to tell your family, proceed. if you feel at some point you want to tell some coworkers, then that's up to you.
I have a book to recommend! It's called One Teacher in 10: LGBT Educators Share Their Stories. Second Edition is better. A lot of teachers have gone through what you are going through and some of their stories will speak to you better than I can on this subject. Many of the teachers work with younger children as well. I'm not a teacher but it was still a great read. My only experience like yours is with being a resident advisor. During the interview process, another candidate said some homophobic things and I was afraid to say that I'm gay. Then we were both hired, so I was afraid that the other resident advisors would be like him. Things really came to a head when we had some social justice training session (similar to sensitivity training) and people started yelling about their experiences as women or black people. So I raised my hand and came out. And cried. No one said anything mean to me at all. After that, I didn't have to care who knew or not. I could just focus on my job. Since then I've just come out to my new staff at the start of each year because it's easier for me than having to wonder who does or doesn't know.
Thanks Markio, I will def check that out. I guess there really is a book on everything! What's interesting is that we have some kids with gay parents at the school -- last year there were two in my class, this year there's one, and next year there will be one. So that's why homosexuality has come up pretty often at work and I know a lot of people's views. Some of the administrators wanted to exclude the boy I work with now from the mother's day art project because he has two dads... I don't even have to say why that's awful. We won that one, and he did the project. And actually, his dads are in the gay and lesbian parenting group that I joined, so I'm out to them whether I like it or not -- my worlds DID collide. But they have no reason to say anything to the other parents and don't really talk to the other parents. It's just so much to deal with and I hate that I have all this drama about it. I don't ever talk to anyone about it either, it's something I just struggle with myself and it's really lonely. But feelindown, you're so right that I AM living one life, and I'm just selectively letting people in on parts of it. But I'm not the same person all the time... am I? I guess I am, I just hide parts of myself. I can't see it staying this way forever but I don't know that I can handle the consequences of being out or even what they would really be. So. Confused.
greenley, you sound a lot like me. i do the same thing. i only let people see what i want them to see. i turn some sides of me on and off. i monitor who i "check out" around people that do not know my situation. funny thing is, i always seem to see the most awesome guy that checks me back out when i'm with my lady friends that dont know about me. so there could be some missed opportunities there. i lie about why i am single. people dont understand why i am not married or have kids. i try not to hang around women too much because they start liking me and it gets complicated. i can't really hang with my straight guy friends too much because they want to go out to straight clubs and find women. it's boring to me and i usually end up chatting up some girl that i know i will not call. i isolate myself from gays or at least try to because i dont want to be seen with them and people think i'm gay by association, so you see, i have locked myself in and slowly withdrawing more and more. when i accepted to myself that i liked guys it made me confused because it was like, "now what". what i am noticing is that this is not really a happy existence so if i keep on this track i will get more of the same. so i have to change. does that mean coming out to everyone? naw, i'm not ready for that. but i do need more gay guy friends that i can relate to. maybe they have other friends that i may be able to date. i'm not going to find them wishing in my apartment or crushing on unavailable guys. i think the best thing for you to do is to just be you. im learning how to do that more. tryign to really like myself on my own terms first. get some friends that you can relate to and just live your life. good luck. you will definitely get through this.
