Open Relationships?

I'd like to think that open relationships could and do work.

I believe that there's no difference between homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
Just as hetero relationships can be torn apart by ill-founded jealousy, so can homosexual relationships.
It just takes the right two people with the right attitudes toward each other.

And I believe that if you truly love your partner, your eye won't stray.
This is also the same with heterosexual relationships.

Some people are players; they are the carbuncles on the arse of mankind as far as I'm concerned. But they're both straight and not.


So in answer to your question, yes. They can work.
It just takes the right people.

 

Some people do regard love and sex as separate things and can have sex with others without affecting their loving relationship with their partner. In my experience I think men think this way a bit more than women.

For many though, probably the majority, love and sex are closely linked, and any sort of open relationship would not work.

As Ashabi says:

It also takes a lot of honesty and trust between the partners, however that is needed for any relationship to work. Rules and boundaries may need to be set (for example each must be honest about who they have been with, limits on how far they can go, requirements to play safe etc) and both partners must stick to the deal.

Markie and I have an agreement that if an opportunity presents itself then an occasional bit of fun with someone else is OK as long as:

1. We are honest with each other about it (including what we did)
2. We are safe and careful (anal should be avoided)
3. It's a one-off or occasional thing, and not a regular partner
4. The other person knows we are in a relationship

So far in our 16 years together it has only happened 2 or 3 times each, and it has done no harm at all. Neither of us felt jealous about it. In fact generally talking about what we did was quite hot and livened things up between us in bed!

Once, coincidentally, was on the same day for both of us (I was away on business with a cute waiter, he was at home with a cute guy from work).

We don't regard it as an open relationship though. It's an understanding and agreement that a bit of fun elsewhere occasionally is just that. It works for us.

 

Hmm, I don't think I understand the topic properly. Is an open relationship one where you're going out with someone but can have sex with other people?

If so, I'm totally for it!

 

Basically yes, though the details would be decided and agreed by the partners.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_relationship defines it, but I think it confuses the issue....

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=open+relationship is probably nearer to the point.

 

I would have to question how a relationship can be built on honesty and trust when it's not built on the conditions that make something honest and trustworthy. A relationship that is set up to allow for cheating is one that lacks any real commitment. I'm sorry, but if you think you're involved in a committed relationship but believe you can sleep with anybody you feel an attraction towards, you've got a fouled-up definition of commitment.

It's a very natural thing to have multiple attractions. To act on them before one gets into a committed relationship is one thing but when partners agree in advance to allow for cheating, what they're really saying is my commitment isn't very great. That's not to say that people won't mess up or that forgiveness shouldn't be an important part of a relationship when mistakes are made. Forgiveness is an amazing thing and a cornerstone of any committed relationship. But to bypass that with a prior agreement that it's ok to sleep around definitely isn't some higher form of relationship where the partners have overcome the terrible tendency of jealousy; it's a lack of respect or understanding of real commitment.

In this day and age of life-threatening diseases, of insane people who may feel abused if you're only using them for sex-you're asking for problems that aren't necessary in a relationship of fidelity.

I read a book a number of years ago by an Anglican priest which stressed fidelity as the backbone of honor, honesty, and a willingness to stand by what you believe in. It's been my experience that he nailed it with that approach.

I don't mean to be insulting to any of you who are involved in open relationships. That is your right, that is your choice. And if it's working for you and your partner, it only speaks to the individuality that is basic to all of us. But I think it's important to realize that just because something works for you, it doesn't mean that it's not terribly flawed as something that others should try out as well.

Tim

 

Well... I don't know... I think I could live with it but I'd be very afraid of being left. I have serious trouble trusting people due to some past events.

 

I would want to try it a few times. It's hard to find people who'd be willing to do it though without feeling hurt.

 

Tim C, I feel your are expressing your OPINIONS as FACTS (which they are not, they are opinions) with little care as to who you insult along the way.

 

I believe you are misunderstanding the meaning of the word commitment. Also I feel you are misusing the words trust and honesty.

To commit to something is to enter into an agreement, and to pledge to uphold that agreement. It does not define what that agreement must be, only that you agree to stand by it. In an open relationship your commitment does not include committing to monagmy, for obvious reasons. There may be other aspects to the commitment (always telling your partner about other sexual encounters for example), and to fulfill the commitment these must be upheld, to keep trust within the relationship. In a healthy open relationship these are upheld, which creates a honest environment.

Having sexual encounters with people other than your SO in an open relationship is NOT cheating! Cheating implies breaking trust and the agreement that the relationship was founded upon, and in an open relationship having such encounters do not break that agreement.

You seem to be under the impression that one SHOULD commit to only having sex with your SO, and that if you do not it shows you do not think you have very good commitment. That, as I'm sure you can see, is a value judgment. You have given no basis for saying WHY one should commit to such.

Now the question of diseases and of, ahem, 'insane people', is a different matter. The participants in an open relationship must weigh up these risks and compare them to the benefit provided by taking those risks to decide if they want to be in an open relationship; an action that should be taken when contemplating any action that has risks attached. The fact that a couple decides to take such risks does not devalue their relationship in any way.

Now I am not saying that open relationships are the answer for anyone. However they are a legitimate preference that one should be able to have without being accused of lack of commitment, lack of trust, lack of honesty, and lack of respect, as you have claimed; since there is no part of a healthy open relationship that lacks any of those things.

I personally am not in an open relationship. Maybe I will enter one at a later date, maybe I won't. However I still will defend the right to people who wish to have one to do so without what amounts to discrimination (an expressed dislike that has no basis on fact).

Dizzy

 

Paul,

You stated in your original post that honesty and trust were paramount for a relationship where each partner could sleep with other people. I simply said that when two people agree to rules that radically decrease the amount of commitment between them- when they agree to rules that allow for going outside the relationship for sexual gratification- that's not a very real possibility. Do I have facts to back that up- certainly there's a lot of subjectivity in what I said so if it makes you more comfortable to think of it as simply my perspective- feel free to do so.

There are many, many problems with an open relationship that my original post didn't mention. It turns sex into a purely physical thing for gratification with "cute" people. It exploits the person you're sleeping with because you're only using them for "fun." It reduces your relationship with your partner because you're not sharing something exclusive, something that's sacred between the two of you.

I think I'd have more respect for your rules if they allowed you to form caring relationships with other people. But by defintion you're agreeing to only have cheap relationships. If you think that's an honest basis for creating trust- well, I still disagree.

I'm sure you're a wonderful person but frankly I have no respect for your rules and think they are horrible to set as an exanple to younger prople. But just for the record, it's not true that I don't care about insulting you and others. But this is a discussion forum and I think disagreement on issues as important as this is vital.

 

I think open relationships can work for some people. I don't think I could have an open relationship with someone but that's just me. At least in open relationships the two involved are honest with each other about who they've been with. You can be in ove with one person and want to be with them for the rest of your life but also want to have relations with others. And as long as the two in a commited relationship is ok with that I don't see the problem. But like I said, I don't know if it would work for me.

 

The original question was "Open relationships? do they ever work?". What I was trying to illustrate is that we have a slightly-open arrangement (though certainly not as open as some) which works FOR US. The point of my post was just to give one point of view. I certainly was not trying to suggest that our arrangement would be suitable for anyone else. If it came across that way then that was unintentional.

A relationship relies on honesty, trust and communication. Our arrangement is the result of that communication, and actually came about when we'd been together 2 or 3 years (I can't even remember how it came about). The fact that we have been together for over 16 years, that despite having the arrangement it has rarely been needed, and that the last time was a good few years ago (thinking back it must have been 6 or 7 years ago), suggests that for us it works.

I certainly don't want this to come across as suggesting it as a normal arrangement that any couple could make work. I think for the majority of couples it couldn't work. As Tim says it is NOT a good example, however it is our example.

 

Paul,

I agree completely with the spirit of your last post and apologize if I was too critical or judgemental. I'm sure if you and I were in front of each other discussing this face to face we would find that we're not as far apart as we may have seemed earlier. In this format, it's easy to get caught up in a single word here or there and give it more importance than it deserves.

That you and your partner are happy is the important thing- what I or others may feel about it is irrelevant.

 

Lmfao I dont know about anyone else but he sure wasn't setting an example for me, I would have done it whether Paul said something or not.

 

Some people claim to have found the balance in an open relationship and lead very happy lives. I personally wouldn't be able to live like that. I think you have to be very sure of yourself, your love for your partner and their love for you.

I wouldn't advise it but that is based on my own feelings on the subject. Can it work? Exceptionally yes, normally, no.

 

I think open relationships are great, you get a lot of freedom. There are probably lots of bad things though as well. For example you want to be with someone else one night but that other person wants to be with you, etc.

 

Dizzy,

It's wonderful that you have an openness that allows you to defend things that you're not personally involved in and I commend you for that.

It's important that we make choices that will stand up under the toughest of circumstances. To enter into a relationship that invites problems is one thing. But with an open relationship, you're telling the other person- if I find somebody else I'd like to sleep with tonight, I will- if my preference is to be with somebody else this weekend, I'll be with them, if somebody else turns me on, I'll act on it. If that doesn't add up to a lack of commitment, I don't know what does.

Making an agreement and sticking to it is an honorable thing as far as it goes. But making agreements that are honorable is also important and I would argue that open relationships lack the key ingredient of integrity. If two theives agree to split their heist 50-50 and act on their agreement perfectly, it doesn't mean they've acted in a way that's honorable. If you treat sex like it's merely a good way of getting off, you cheapen and dishonor it. We're all human and most of us are guilty of that (I'd certainly have to plead guilty). So my purpose with this post isn't to point out that I have higher values than Paul or that I'm a better person than he is- I'm arguing that there's another dimension to open relationships that makes it impossible for it to ever be healthy or honest because yes, you are cheating even if you've both agreed that it's okay.

That's because cheating is more than an agreement between two people. If I'm in a classroom and the person sitting beside me agrees to let me look at his paper, does that prevent my taking answers from his paper as being cheating? Let's say a teacher says that he's going to give A's for just showing up at class, does my getting an A without doing the work to earn one make it honest? Whenever we accept a standard that deviates from what's best, from what leads to excellence, from what increases us as human beings- we are in fact cheating. I would argue that the lousy service work you just had done on your car, the person who just carelessly broke an appointment with you, the way companies legally but immorally charge interest in every conceivable way is a reflection of the same breakdown of values. When we accept a standard that feels good in the moment but has as many potential ways of hurting everybody involved, it's important that we see it for what it is.

This will be my last post on this topic. Once again, my intention was not to insult or offend anyone and I apologize if that seemed to be the case.

 

Personally I thought your posts were fine and weren't directed at anyone here. Everyones entitled to their opinion and as long as you don't hurt someones feelings its fine. Even arguing with someone is great, its the best way to learn something new. (but not with personal attacts)

 

the question of open relationships brings up many questions. to me; it asks what is cheating? for that matter, what is a relationship? what is sacred?

is sharing your inner most thoughts and secrets with your bff or ex cheating? is hugging someone cheating? is dancing with someone cheating? is playing footsies under a table cheating?
for some people, having their partner looking at someone else is a no-no. others would not feel comfortable having their partner hug anyone else; others would draw the line at kissing...
The fact is different people draw the line in different places. for some sex is not off limits, but others, other things that make their relationship sacred are.

to many, a relationship is about a lot more than just sex and the physical aspect,and sex is not something that is neccesarily sacred just to that relationship. that does not mean they dont have a loving caring reltionship, or it is not as 'real' or 'honest' as those who choose to have sex only with their partner.
for me?? um, i dont know yet. ill wait till i have a bf then decide with him!!!