So I'm pretty sure one of my best friends is gay. Not because he fits the stereotype (which he does, even more than I do) but because he had an experience in high school that you can pretty much only go through if you're at least bi (anything further than that is Fight Club). Also, some of you will remember that I posted about coming out through Facebook (this friend knows I'm gay and knew before I came out on Facebook). He was one of the people I tagged in the coming out note because he helped me through a mini-crisis last month which gave me the confidence to post that note; he untagged himself from it a few hours later. I've already talked to my sister and brother-in-law about it, and they both think he's gay and very much in the closet; they're also both in their 30s if that matters. What I'm concerned about is that he's very Christian, and I'm fairly certain he wouldn't get the right kind of support from his family; in fact, though he didn't tell me and I didn't want to ask, I got the feeling that they might have sent him to reparative 'therapy' or a pray-away-the gay camp when he was in HS. :bang: I found a bunch of online videos, pamphlets, etc. demonstrating why it's not a sin to be gay (or act on it) and Christian as long as one behaves morally. I even looked up Bible passages, which I've never done before- Rom 13:9-10 pretty much invalidates use of all the OT passages to condemn homosexuality in the context of a monogamous relationship. Is there anything else I can do until the 2 of us can talk face to face? My summer break is over the 3rd week of Aug., so I won't see him until then, and he's really busy at work so he hasn't been able to return any messages or texts I've sent him. Any advice would be helpful.
try to be supportive, but also don't try to push him out of the closet, it could just make him resent you, best of luck
It's not easy, and you could very well catch him off guard. I became a Christian after starting college and very soon after people from the church were telling me it was a sin to be gay. At the time, me being gay was not a fully developed concept in my mind, and I found the assumption and assertions to be pretty awful. In 2004 I started attending a ministry for Christians with unwanted same-gender attraction. (I hate the term ex-gay - I think it's a misnomer and doesn't benefit anyone on either side of the fence). The majority of it was focusing on personal issues of our pasts, relationships with our families, self-acceptance issues, etc. In many ways, that period of my life saved my life. Some of my dearest friends are from all parts of that spectrum; whether they've accepted that they are gay, straight, bisexual or confused. Each of us has had our own journey that can't be discounted. And no, no electroshock therapy, exorcisms, or anything like that were ever a part of it. For most of it, it taught us to reconcile our faith with our sexuality, even though the focus of such ministries is that God's ideal is for heterosexuality. In the end, and what I came to realize about a month ago, is that I am ideal just as I am. I think the that in the Christian church and society at large says that if you have any erotic draw to the same gender, then you are most likely by default, gay. Which doesn't seem fair. What I've realized is that for most Christians especially, there is just no honest way to figure it out while you're growing up. Especially as the feelings begin to develop and become erotic. You're friend might take a while. He may not even be gay. I suppose you could always ask him, but figure out a supportive way of doing so. Asking him directly, "Are you gay?" he would probably tell you "No." because that's not something he's accepted in himself. I would say something along the lines of "Hey _____, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to ask as your friend, have you ever struggled with your sexuality?" That may sound clunky, and may be too direct, but it may put it in a more familiar context to him than the bluntness of asking him flat out if he's gay. If a friend that I trusted and cared about had ever asked me that question growing up, I would have responded, probably first with tears, and then with honesty. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to accept myself. Who knows? Good luck - keep us posted.
Thanks for the advice guys. I know he's confused/questioning, so I'm not going to push him to go any farther than that. I'm just going to be there if he needs my help, since that's what friends are for.
