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Not sure if I'm gay, confusion/advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PsychoticMonkey, Jul 10, 2011.

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  1. PsychoticMonkey

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    So...this is my first post here. I really just needed to get this off my chest, and see if there was anyone else here with similar experiences they could share/advise on.

    Right. I'm in my mid-20's and think I might be gay. Maybe. Still not entirely sure if I'm gay / straight / bi / going through a phase / in denial / confused...

    In general I guess I've always been somewhat attracted to guys (something I've only come to admit to myself lately). Never had a proper girlfriend, but not because of actively avoiding the situation, it just...never really happened. When going through school, I didn't really have crushes on guys per-se, but whenever I looked at porn, it was (and still is) guys about 90% of the time.

    But then the confusion lies in that I know when girls are attractive. I can easily look at a girl and go "Wow...she's hot", or "She's beautiful". But 95/100 times, it's...well hard to describe. More like admiration, I guess. Like you can look at a photo of a landscape and think that it looks beautiful. There's not really a feeling of sexual attraction there...most of the time. There's the occasional girl that I look at that way, but we're talking about once every couple of years, maybe? But it DOES happen, which adds to the confusion.

    My mind flip-flops back and forth between "Yep, pretty sure I'm gay", and "Nah, I'm not gay". CONSTANTLY. I sometimes wonder if the gay thoughts are all just cause I've *convinced* myself that there's a strong possibilty I'm gay. Like, if it started off as a phase and I "got used to it", and never really "trained" myself to look at girls the 'right' way?

    Then again, as I type this out, I also wonder if that's just me clutching at the straws of not wanting to give up straight-ness. The whole wife, two kids, white picket fence etc etc situation.

    Aargh, I don't know. I'm just so confused overall. I don't know any gay people in real-life that I can ask about this, so it tends to get lonely some days keeping this all bottled up. Any thoughts/opinons/advice welcome :slight_smile:
     
  2. Gordon

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    I know exactly what you mean, I went a very similar situation like this, once I came to terms with my attraction to men I decided to tell someone for emotional support and now I'm halfway out to my family. FYI, gay men can still have kids.
     
  3. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC!

    Well, you've already done a lot of the hard work, and you've looked at the things that help to answer the question for you... but I think you may just be having some difficulty objectively evaluating the information in front of you.

    So maybe this will help. If I'm correctly interpreting what you've said above

    -- You've always been at least somewhat attracted to guys.
    -- You've never been with a girl or had a proper girlfriend
    -- When you look at porn, it's 90% guys
    -- 95% of the girls you find appealing are just appealing, not arousing.

    Nothing in any of the above indicates any strong sexual attraction to girls. But a lot of it indicates pretty strong sexual attraction to guys. So, based on the information presented above, I think most anyone who is looking at it from a disinterested viewpoint would say that you're probably gay or very much toward the gay end of the spectrum.

    As we consider and process any potential loss (and in your case, this could be the "loss" of your identity as straight, and all that comes with that, as you've mentioned above) there are typically stages that one goes through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Denial is obvious; anger is "why am I this way" or "I don't want this" or something like that. Bargaining is "Well, maybe I just haven't found the right girl" or "Well, maybe this is a phase and I'll grow out of it" or "Maybe i've just convinced myself I'm gay and I'm really not". The other two are self-explanatory.

    And the stages aren't necessarily linear; you may experience them out of order, or shift back and forth between then, and that's pretty common.

    So it seems like you're actually quite a ways along in understanding and accepting where you are.

    But this is one of the main reasons EC exists: to help people with these sorts of issues. So as you have more questions or more concerns, or think of other reasons that strengthen or weaken the case that you could be gay, feel free to post and discuss them. And I hope you'll stick around in any case as this is a really great community both for people coming out and for people who are out and just seeking a good group of people to talk to :slight_smile:
     
  4. Weatherguy101

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    I know what you mean by you being able to see when a girl is good looking, but that's as far it goes, I get the same thing.
    I also don't find much guys(above my age) to be attractive. Which could be why I don't favor gay porn(considering my age).
    I'm in those "stages" as well, which can get overwhelming.
     
  5. JudgeDredd

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    I'm going through pretty close to that same thing right. I am starting to except i'm gay but then i start over thinking everything and then i start freaking out.. but when i read this it sounded almost exactly what i'm feeling right now. and i just thought i was one of the only ones feeling like this. Its nice to know that i'm not alone.. if you ever want to talk i'm here.. :slight_smile:
     
  6. technoddot

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    @PsychoticMonkey: Your situation sounds very similar to where I'm at... even the same proportions of porn, and attractions to girls. I recently joined this site to try to figure it out, like you. I'm also still trying to hang onto the straight... Almost don't want to talk to a friend about it, because that just makes it all too real. But, I'm actually bringing myself to talk to a trusty friend about it on Tuesday. I'd encourage you to try to find someone to talk to, as well-- just thinking about talking to this friend has helped me straighten out my thoughts in some way, too-- so I don't sound crazy when talking to them.
     
  7. lusantian

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    Hi there, welcome, and all that good stuff. I'm new as well :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    As for advice, I'm going to second what Chip said. A piece of advice that I heard recently seems to be fairly accurate - "the proof is in the porn". If you're fantasizing about guys and looking at gay porn much more often than not, then there's a good chance that's what your brain is wired to be attracted to.

    I'd also like to direct you over to this thread - it has some really good thoughts.
     
  8. tocotronic

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    Yeah, this sounds like me ten months ago. The last thing I should do is put words in your mouth and say what you are. I myself didn't want to explore the idea I was gay until last September, because I had a feeling once I started exploring there'd be no going back to the straight life I thought I had ( though little to no luck with the ladies anyway ).

    I had the sense of loss too, after all, a year ago at the point I was dating girls, and imagined myself with a woman for the rest of my life. I liked the idea of having a wife etc...but I wasn't that interested in anything physical. In my opinion women are often more beautiful, and at the risk of sounding like I objectify them, I view them as the same attraction I have to a car. Very pretty and they'll turn my head, but that's about it. Guys are just more interesting, don't know why, but they are.

    I did the flip flop thing in my head. The last date I ever had with a girl was with someone amazing looking, but it didn't stop me from wanting to turn my head as a beefy sweaty guy ran past us while we were on our walk.

    Perhaps you could just try dropping your defenses a little in your mind. Forget the labels for a second and just take in what you enjoy. Even though I accept I'm gay, I sometimes find it much easier to just say I prefer dudes.

    And as Gordon Canavan says, gay guys can have kids, and awesome families. As I got over the loss of a straight life I started to get excited about the idea of a life with another guy. I still haven't had much more than a few dates, but I'm looking forward to starting something. Imagine all the qualities of one of your best male friends, but that he'd always be with you, share your gross humour, your hobbies and be of the gender that you prefer to see in 90% of porn.

    I know the feelings you are going through well though, I brought a lot of anxiety onto myself when trying to figure it out. Getting it off my chest made a huge difference.
     
  9. Flare

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    I was convinced I was bisexual for a while because like you said, I could more than happily acknowledge when a girl was beautiful or even "hot". What made me realise I was gay was the fact I never wanted to do anything more with a girl. Your sexuality, at its bare basics, is who you want to have sex with. I can find both genders attractive, but I only want to have sex with guys. I only want to be with a guy. When I realised that I finally acknowledged I was gay.

    It's the exact same thing for straight guys I imagine but in reverse. I'm sure they can acknowledge when another guy is good-looking and physically attractive. Most of the time they just won't admit it but you know in their head that they are seeing the same person that you are. Does that mean they want to have sex with a guy? Not at all, which is why they are straight.

    I hope that helps, even just a little. I'm not sure if you will think the same but it does sound like a similar situation to yours.
     
  10. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    I don't want to make this decision for you, either. I'll just tell you that I don't find women "icky". I can definitely find them attractive, and I'm willing to say a couple of my friends are downright stunning. My partner and I enjoy going to burlesque shows, which are mainly women taking their clothes off. But - here's the kicker - I'm not ATTRACTED to them. I find them beautiful the same way I find a painting or a sunset beautiful. It's pretty rare for anything to happen something south of the equator, if you catch my drift. :slight_smile:

    But here's something to keep in mind. If you ARE gay - and you seem to be leaning that way - nothing has to change. Your mapped-out future can remain as is. Great job, house in the suburbs, wife, two kids. The only difference is that your wife is gonna have a penis. :slight_smile:

    Stick around and post some more. I have a feeling once you get to know some gay folk, we won't seem so alien, and you may decide you're part of the party after all. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  11. feelindown

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    when you are in this confusing stage the best way to handle it sometimes is to do a little self experiment. give yourself "license" to be honest with yourself without condemnation or doubt. for instance, for one day, tell yourself, "i am not gay, I am not straight, I am not a label, i'm just me. i will not label myself today or condemn myself for any of the thoughts i have." then during that day, see who you are attracted to. if you see a guy that you think is hot, in my mind allow yourself to say "wow he is hot". try and see how you feel when you see him, what are you thinking about, how does it make you feel to see him. Do the same with women. if she looks great, tell yourself she looks great. at the end of the day, ask yourself, within that day, recall all the hot guys you saw adn all the hot girls you saw, and think..."ok, if i could only pick one of these people to date adn there were no condemnation or no downside to dating them, which one would it be....." the answer to that question will be very telling. it will help you come to terms with whatever direction you may want to go.
     
  12. Greenly79

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    I know this might be a little off topic (sorrry), but I wanted to comment on something lusantian said - the proof is in the porn. :slight_smile:
    I know this is from a lesbian perspective, but so far as "lesbian" porn is concerned, I've noticed (and some others have too) that a lot of lesbian porn is not really lesbian porn -- it's straight porn, without the guys. Meaning it's geared towards being visually appealing to men and by and large doesn't depict what lesbians actually DO and what a lot of women like.
    I've also heard/noticed that some lesbians like porn with gay male porn because gay male porn stars tend to really BE gay, and their reactions tend to be more genuine than straight women faking it for the camera. So, some lesbians have reported feeling connect to gay male porn. Me, not so much :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    I HAVE noticed in myself though that I don't find a lot of "lesbian" porn very attractive, which confused me for awhile. And if I'm going to look at it (and let's be honest, sometimes I do) there are sites that are geared toward lesbians -- and the content is vastly different from the "lesbian" porn. Let's just say that that really appealed to me :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: So for me, yes, the proof was somewhat in the porn!
    I guess my point though is that if lesbians can find gay male porn attractive, attraction is a lot more complicated than we may realize. Who do you really see yourself spending your life with? Do you want to wake up in the morning next to a man? When you envision your future (even just, say riding in the car with your future partner to your future kids' soccer games), does the idea of that being a man appeal to you?
     
  13. PsychoticMonkey

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    Just wanted to start off by saying this is quite possibly the funniest thing I've read all week :lol:

    But yeah, thanks all for your replies. It's actually a massive relief to hear that there are others feeling/thinking the same as me. :slight_smile: Really reassuring.

    I'm still not entirely sure, but have just a gut feeling I guess. I suspect that I'll inevitable that I'll come to the realization that I'm gay...just don't want to leap to that point quite yet. I'm still a little unsure and clinging on to my straightness. It seems so...final...to make a decision. Like the point of no return. On the other hand, I'm also sick of the constant "Am I? Am I Not?" questions rotating around in my head, so I guess I'll have to make the decision sooner or later, cause the thoughts and feelings sure as hell aren't going away.

    That, and if it is the case, it just seems...frustrating. Like it's something I've not really 'chosen' or had a say in, y'know? I have no problem whatsoever with LGBT people or the community (really, I think it's fantastic that resources like this exist); it's just frustrating that in my head it feels like it's coming down to a feeling of "Well... can't really avoid this forever, it's inevitable". It doesn't really feel like the choice is mine as to whether I'm gay or not. Which, yeah, I know it's not a choice. But that doesn't make it any less annoying/confusing. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    @feelingdown - might give your advice a try for a bit, and just try to drop my defenses for a bit, and see who I prefer in an "ideal world"

    @technoddot - haha....re talking to someone about this. Funny story, I did actually pseudo-come-out to one of my best friends earlier this year. After months of finally starting to admit there was the possibility I was gay, I felt like I needed to tell someone. So, one night I was out with some friends, and one was bragging that she thought she had a near-perfect gay-dar. That she could always pick the gay guys out of the crowd at bars etc. I figured that was as close to a conversation starter as I was gonna get, so made the decision to say something that night. Later on when I was alone with one of the other friends, I reluctantly dragged the conversation back to the topic ("Hey you remember when ____ was saying they had a perfect gaydar...", and eventually after about 5 minutes of "ummm" and "errr", I got the words "I....think...I might be.... .... ... gay" out. Which caught them completely by surprise. Like seriously, they had no idea. Didn't really go into much more detail, just answered all the questions with answers along the lines of "I dunno. I'm just a bit...confused". The thing is, they could obviously see I was stressing and on-edge about it. And because I'd said "I think" initially (a conscious choice on my part, because I genuinely wasn't sure), she tried to reassure me with the "Maybe you're not? Maybe you're just more in touch with your feminine side?" (I assume she thought my confusion was to do with the fact that I'm not a particularly 'macho' guy, and do have a few stereotypical gay traits like being into musicals. Versus, I was coming for the 'I like dudes' angle). And as soon as she'd said that, I saw it as a way out, and I took it and ran with it. "Yeah, you're probably right".

    I briefly spoke to her via SMS the next day, stuck to the same stance I had the previous night; but I kept things open cause I suspected the issue would probably come up again eventually. I said something like "Yeah, you're probably right; don't think I am gay. I was just confused. But I won't lock out either option for now...just in case". She was cool with it the whole time (even during the initial conversation where she was clearly shell-shocked by my revelation) - told me it didn't matter at all to her, wouldn't make anything awkward, whatever made me happy made her happy, etc. So yeah, I told her I'd think about it more, said I didn't really want to discuss it any more for now because I'd just needed to get it off my chest, and that when I was ready or if I needed to, I'd bring it up again. And that was the last word on the matter :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:.

    That was about 5 months ago, but I'm sure I'll bring it up again when my head's in a better space.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jul 2011 at 08:47 AM ----------

    Thanks for the link to this too btw - it's a really good read. I agree with practically every point in it.
     
  14. DreaMolica

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    THATS EXACTLY MY SITUATION

    Living in a conservative city, I just can't accept that I am gay. I keep telling myself that I can be bi. And I should end up with guys(i am female) to have a *normal* life.

    (sigh....)
     
  15. iam facing the same problem somebody help me plzzz
     
  16. Pat

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    You're gay. We aren't oblivious to women. Some gay men see pretty women and feel intimidated by them or jealous. In my case, I'm a masculine guy, i'm friendly with both sexes with no desire to engage in ANYTHING other than friendship with females. They are good to talk to, especially when their edgy. But if a boy walks in the room and he's handsome, she just looks like a damn fly on the wall. I try not to make it obvious, but sometimes I can't help it when I do look. If you aren't opposed to one night stands and things of the nature, you should try to get with a guy and see how it feels. If the ACT feels right, you know. I mean, there are also creepy guys lol. I prefer really masculine guys, so I'm not good at being the one receiving affection, weirds me out when I don't know the guy well, which is why I don't do what I'm telling you to try anymore. So try to focus on the act of being with a guy over how you feel about the guy you're with. He might not be the right guy, but it doesn't mean that you don't like the situation. So at this point, try some things. Or just go to a gay bar and socialize.
     
  17. toboymi

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    Hey! So I'm exactly in the same place right now.
    I lt I find guys attractive, the problem is that when i'm in a relationship with them I get bored easily.
    When it comes to girls it's completely different, just talking to my crush gets me happier than a month with a dude.
    But sometimes I start to think that maybe I just like "yeah she's pretty, I wish I could look like her" way that maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm gay, sometimes it's the complete opposite.

    I like girls and I'm easily attracted to them... But sometimes my mind tells me that I'm misunderstanding the way I like them.
    Also I get the feeling of loss... THIS IS SO CONFUSING MAN!
     
  18. James Dan Halin

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    PsychoticMonkey- omg I can't believe I ran into this post of yours. I am in the exact same situation now as you were when you wrote this post. I wanted to post something like this myself but had no idea what to write. When reading it was all too familiar and felt like I was reading something that was coming out from my own head. It's assuring to know that others have similar experiences and not just me. Obviously it's been a while since you wrote this post I was just wondering what has happened since and have things become much clearer?

    Cheers
     
  19. Ettina

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    This is how I feel about both genders (though I more often think girls are beautiful). No sexual interest, just admiring a good-looking body. (Although my preferences in appearance are a bit unconventional.)

    People tend to like beauty in any gender or age, regardless of sexual preference.

    Now, the fact that you have also felt some rare sexual attraction to women suggests you are slightly bisexual, but the difference between 'exclusively gay' and 'very strongly prefer same sex but rarely feels attracted to other sex' is not really important enough to warrant using different labels unless you really want to.
     
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