sick of hiding but petrified of being hated?!?

Hi Rocky, and welcome to EC!! Long post incoming!

Compartmentalization sucks doesn't it? You have to have this whole inner realm that no one (and I mean NO ONE) is allowed into, all the while presenting a similar outer face that's missing that key compartmentalized component. The good news for you is that the hardest part is mainly over. You've allowed yourself to be in that compartment, and have already come to accept that what's in the hidden part of your life is still you. So, congratulations on that!

Expanding that compartment can be tough, mostly for the two reasons you've listed (Been lying for several years and fear of rejection). The thing is, a lot of people know what this is like, whether they were hiding a particular brand of music they like, drugs they've done, their sex life, etc. and so when you open up to them it shows that you trust them to see a part of you that you've never shown before. Most of the people you think might have an issue because of the lying aspect probably will be happy that you've taken this step, rather than angry or upset that you've kept it hidden.

For the people in your life who you don't want to lose, there's a pretty good chance that very little will change. From the sound of it, the friends that you have are close friends, people that you've come to know and love over a long-ish while. It seems to me that the majority of them (if not all of them) will simply see your sexuality as a part of you, rather than defining you. Your family might be a more difficult story, depending on their religious views, but they will likely be the same. Pre-closet friends and family members (in my experience) don't let your sexuality define you.

As far as people you haven't met yet, that's a difficult thing to figure out. Some people like to stereotype as much as they can, and they will probably define you by your sexual preference. Honestly, though, there's not much you can do about it. Those same people stereotype races and genders just as much, so you're not the one missing out on a good friendship, they are. For those humans who do not stereotype overmuch, sexuality is just another piece of what makes up a human being, and those people (who are in the majority) will not judge you based on whether you're gay or straight or bi or trans or black, or white, or Christian, or Jewish, or etc. Life generally gets better when the closet doors come open, so don't be afraid, be encouraged!

So, what should you do right now? Well, if you're looking to really start opening those closet doors, find someone who you KNOW will never judge you based on your sexuality, and will be fully supportive of you as you go through the coming out process (if said individual is openly gay, they'll also have some great wisdom to share, most likely). Tell them first and spend some time talking with them. There's a certain amount of tension that builds up in people who are closeted, and that tension releases as the individual talks it out. Good luck on this journey! We all have gone, are going, or will go through it, and we'll be here cheering you on!

 

imagine how you feel now. now multiple by that by 10 more years if you keep this up. eventually you are going to crack. i say it sounds like you want to come out but you are scared. you are not saying "i dont want to come out. i want to stay in". you are saying, "i wish i can come out but i am scared of what people will say". so i say if that's the case and you are certain you are going to be into guys long term, work towards making your life whole. we all compartmentalize in some way, but if compartmentalizing is stressing you out, try and reduce the stress and solve the problem.

 

I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm 29 and trust me, life becomes exponentially easier as you come out to more people. I've still got my mom and work left, but I'll get there.

I really don't think people will resent you for lying to them all these years. As mentioned above, it's the stereotyping that'll get to you. And that's a great tip, find someone you know will accept you and tell them first.

Don't be like me and put it off for years until you get so depressed you almost can't get out of it. But be careful.

 

to teh best friend:

hey its somethign i wanted to tell you. i'm into guys. i just thought you should know since we been friends for a while. i coming to terms with this and i wanted to be open to my best friends. i dont want anyone else to know right now but i thought i would start wtih you. are we still cool or do you feel weirded out?

 

Wow, sounds like me!
People will likely treat you the same if you act the same. People don't usually change the way they act around people just because they're gay. So I say, when you're ready, just start telling people one by one! Soon you'll be walking through the door!

 

I agree with what kosie said. You shouldnt put it off too long. Its always better to Come Out on your terms then to feel like you no longer have a choice

This was me 2-3 months ago. I was terribly depressed because ive been keeping my orientation to myself since the first year of HS. I even had the same fears, but really, its rarely as bad as you think it would be. You might even be surprised with some of their reactions.

Keep in mind, Coming Out is one of the bravest things a gay person can do. Usually, people will feel honored that you let them in. Some people also need a little time to come to terms with it, and if they can't accept you for who you are, can you really call them your friends? I've lost a few close friendships since Ive come out, although those people still tolerate/accept me, I can no longer consider them close friends. Like you, I didnt have many close friends to begin with, but I look to the future now. From here on, ppl I meet will know the real me and Ill have more confidence knowing I wont be hiding the truth from them. I'm even looking forward to being able to actually MEET someone now, whereas when your keeping it to yourself, thats not possible.

Anyways, im rambling a bit now, so Ill leave it at that. Whatever you choose to do, Ive found that this site is a great place to find support and inspiration. Welcome to EC!

---------- Post added 12th Jul 2011 at 09:28 PM ----------

Good advice here!

 

I know exactly what you mean. The moment before telling others is frightening and I've backed out a couple of times as well. It's almost like riding a bike up a steep hill and losing momentum right before you reah the top...

If you really can't find a way to say it to them, the letter idea isn't bad. I don't think it's cowardly at all; you're still sharing a deeper part of yourself with someone and nothing can really take away from how courageous that is