Lately I've found myself worrying I am bisexual or even a lesbian. Thing is, every time I consider saying it out loud (even to myself), I get really freaked out and I start to feel sick to my stomach. I'm worried that if I do say it, it will make it permanent, and since I don't know for sure whether I am or not, I don't want to do something that I can't go back on. Several things have had me wonder if I am into girls...I have had numerous sex dreams about girls (though I have had a few about men as well). I find myself looking at men and women in the exact same way and I often feel way more connected to women when I'm talking to someone. However, that might be because I have two older sisters and thus am just more used to talking to women in general. When I was in High School, I had a few short relationships with guys but I always found reasons to avoid kissing them. I'm not sure if this is because I was shy and immature or if it is because I just didn't want to. I have no gay or lesbian friends, but I always find myself hoping that one of my friends will come out...not sure why though. After I got out of High School, I got into a long-term relationship with a very nice and sweet guy (it was 3 1/2 years). He was kind of awkward though and so I found that it took some time getting comfortable with him. Again, not sure if its because I'm not into men or if it was just because we weren't compatible. We only ended up having sex three times because I always tried to avoid it because I never enjoyed it at all. I know my family would be totally and completely cool with me being gay...but I'm not sure if I am or how to figure out if I am. Help please?
Your sexuality is your to discover. Don't feel rushed to put a label on yourself. You'll know sooner or later And don't feel freaked out about saying that your bisexual, or a lesbian. Saying dosen't make it true. So don't be worryed about if you say the wrong one that'll it'll be set in stone. btw I feel the same way about wishing one of my friends would come out. It would make it easyer for me to tell my other friends because I would know that I could talk to them and they would accept me. Hope I helped, good luck! <3
Welcome to EC! Quite an influx of new folk the last couple of days. Good thing we installed those revolving doors and expanded the lounge! It's very tough to really get a read on other people, since 1. we don't have direct access to their thoughts and feelings, and 2. any data we get is filtered (either consciously or unconsciously) through them. Going simply and solely on your post, I'd say lesbian, or possibly bisexual-leaning-towards-lesbian. Again, that's completely based only on the few lines of text you gave us. You've got access to a wealth of other data, so it's tough to be sure. Two things sort of stick out about your post. Let me (metaphorically) gently poke at them with a stick to see if I can get a better bead. 1. You say you ducked kissing guys, and actively avoided sex with your long-term boyfriend. Can you expand on that a bit? Does the entire idea of physical affection weird you out? Was your mindset "I don't like being touched", or more like "I wouldn't mind kissing/having sex, just not with THIS person"? Can you imagine a person (of either sex) with whom you can be in a relationship, and get physical with, and enjoy it? 2. You say you're really freaked out about "making it real" if you actually confront this issue. Can you delve a bit further in that direction? (Yes, I know - "you know that thing that makes you uncomfortable to think about it? Can you think about it some more?" ) Let's say you did a bit more soul searching, and decided you WERE probably gay or bi. Does that idea freak you out? How do you think you'd react to it? Lex
A lot of people choose to remain "unlabeled." If you feel the gay, lesbian, or bisexual labels don't describe you, you don't have to use them. For some people it's just about the person, not necessarily the gender. I know there are other terms people identify with, but I don't really know what they are So, while others might consider unlabeled people who date both genders bisexual, they may not really connect to that label and reject it. There really is no rush to label yourself, but I have noticed that since I've started to selectively come out as lesbian, I'm relieved in a way because it's simpler to find other people "like" me. For example, I'm in a lesbian book club that often reads books with main lesbian characters, which is nice and I also identify with. But, I totally understand what you're saying about not being able to say the word lesbian to yourself out loud. I'm so glad to hear someone else say that! I literally had to come out to myself by looking in the mirror and just forcing myself to say it -- I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. And just desensitize myself to it, try it on. I knew it was true, but saying it DID make it real. But coming out to yourself and just feeling that is scary and a big deal. The more I said it, the more I was able to accept what I already knew and I could begin to get over my fear and out of my denial. And, so far as labels, ultimately they're just words. You can always "go back." Saying it to yourself in the mirror might be scary, but it will not make it permanent. I know a lot of people are worried that if they come out to their friends and family, they might realize they were wrong and have to come out as straight or bi later and be really embarrassed. My thought on that is that even if there is the possibility that you might later switch labels, what is true for you right now is what matters the most.
Thanks! I really do appreciate the replies. I hope I do figure it out soon. Ever since I have started actually thinking I might like girls, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. I wish I had a way of knowing whether it was just about the person, rather than gender. But I don’t know how to meet people who are more like me. I keep hoping it will be as simple as if I try kissing another girl, and then I’ll just know. But I don’t even know how to get to that point… Greenly79, may I ask how did you become involved in the lesbian book club? It sounds incredibly interesting to me. Reading about characters that could possibly feel or think the way I do might be helpful. Coming out to yourself in the mirror actually sounds like a really good idea. Everything you said made me feel much better, so thanks so much! Lexington, the idea of being physically affectionate with a guy was okay so long as it was only cuddling or light kisses. I have only had one sexual partner and that was with the long-term guy so I’m kind of confused on whether we just weren’t compatible in that way, or if it was just me and I wasn’t interested in him. I think it was more that I wouldn’t mind making out with a guy but having sex with one has never interested me. Whereas with a girl…its kind of the same thing as well. But I think that’s more just because I’ve never been exposed to either all that much. I don’t have anyone in my life right now that I can imagine myself in a relationship with to be honest…which makes this even more confusing. The idea of being bi would probably be harder for me, family wise. My parents would surprisingly be better with the gay thing rather than the bi thing. In my mother’s words, “Pick a side”. But for myself, I think I would rather be bi…if not because it would be easier to hide from people what my sexuality was and I could still have the “perfect” life (you know, husband, picket fence, all of that). Being gay just seems so…final. I have absolutely no problem with gay people but I never in a million years considered I might be gay as well. It just seems like such a huge thing to actually wrap my head around.
So far as the book club, I was doing a search online one day for my city's gay and lesbian parent group and there was a website that was a "guide" to the social scene here. List of the gay and lesbian bars, clubs, things going on at the community center.. and I just stumbled across it and decided to email them to see what they were about. We try to read books with main characters that are lesbians or in lesbian relationships, but also books that deal specifically with women's issues (fiction only). If you live in a bigger city, you might be able to search and see if there are any LGBT-related social groups in your city that might interest you. But, if you're looking for books on different perspectives on sexuality, gay and lesbian fiction, whatever, try Amazon.. but watch out for the "romance" novels! :icon_wink But there's no need to rush into the labels.. I read a book (on my own), Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire by Lisa Diamond. It was sort of a dense read, but it talks about how women's sexuality tends to be, well, more fluid -- changing over the lifespan, changing upon meeting a special person, etc. It helped straighten things out for me a bit, because I DID love my husband, I was just trying to marry myself straight.. which never works. The book talks about how we should generally approach women's sexuality in a different way.. most of the research on and attention to sexual orientation involves men, who according to the book tend to be LESS fluid about their sexuality, and women don't really fit that model so well on the whole. Some people experiment but still identify as straight, some people consider themselves bi but have only ever had relationships with men... so maybe you could just go forward being open to relationships with either gender to see where your life takes you.
Wow, I have been through something similar, as have most people here. I think I might be gay. I struggled with saying it out loud. Finally, after about a year and a half of trying, I was in the car by myself. I just said it. "I'm gay." I had to pull over because I started crying and felt sick. That was about six months ago. Now, I feel pretty comfortable with saying the words, and it hasn't made it permanent (which i feared). I am still questioning, just like I was before I said it. But, i feel much more free and confident in myself just because I can really say how I feel. Good luck!! Follow your heart and don't rush it!
I have been feeling the same way you have and I feel as if I am in a very similar situation as you. I have had past boyfriends but anything past a light kiss was weird to me. I have found that reading novels has really helped me figure out that I am more on one side than the other. I am very afraid of the embarrassment of coming out as completely gay and falling in love with a man eventually so I have wanted to become more sure of my feelings before fulling coming out. I have read straight romance novels and I always thought "well that was cute" but I was never jealous of the girl for getting the guy or turned on by any of the real romance scenes. So, I tried reading some "lesbian fiction". I read Annie on My Mind, Oranges Aren't the Only Fruit and Tipping the Velvet. They were all really good, I especially enjoyed Tipping the Velvet. Maybe you should try reading something and see how you feel.
