Hi everyone, I need advice. First of all I have recently came to embrace my sexual orientation, it has been difficult but I accept the fact I'm gay and I'd love to find a man and spend my whole life with him and be happy together, I knew it since I was like 11. So anyway, recently I decided I would come out, to my family first, and then the world, anyway... I find myself in a horrible situation because my parents even though they say they love me and always will, don't accept the fact I'm gay and tell me "You're confused" and every time I tell them I'm not, they insist and tell me of how horrible gay life is, that it isn't natural and so on. So they don't seem to accept it and I don't think they will soon... They even encouraged me to continue seeing a therapist (Who told me being gay is RIGHT and that is why I decided to come out) hoping I will see how wrong I am and magically change my orientation... I must add my parents are Doctors and they know lots of things about the subject and whenever I try to argument something they "show me" how wrong I am. They think this is a test from God and that it's their fault I'm gay. I sometimes feel they are treating me more like a patient than their son... Why can't they just say "Ok, we love you, be yourself" instead of trying to change me? :bang: I have to add that I don't want to change nor I believe it's possible to do so... They even forbidden me to come out to other people... They say they need time to accept the idea but considering the things they say and the fact they rely on therapy to "cure" me doesn't seem "accepting" to me... Please HELP!
It's a shame how parents sometimes handle this kind of change on their view on a son or daughter. But parents seem want to make the best for their son or daughter, and they are probably scared of what may happen if you don't follow that hetero-norm life style. Just tell them your happy the way you are, and you wouldn't have as great as a life as a heterosexual.
Im sorry to hear that they are trying to do this. How long has it been since you told them? They could still be coming to terms with it (although it doesnt really sound like it). Maybe try directing them to local or online support groups? Im not well versed in them, but here's one I found pretty easily: Parents Of Gay Children. Or try to set something up with your therapist to talk with you and your parents about it, cause it sounds like he/she might have a better chance to make them understand. Maybe talking to a professional will help them come to terms with it. Or maybe sit down with them and try to have a long conversation about it, if its possible. Let them know that you are who you are and that trying to change who are are can be harmful to you emotionally and mentally. They need to come to understand that its not a choice, and It's something you've been struggling with for a long time. I would advise you not to lose your temper with them though, cause that would most likely make them set against whatever you have to say. Talk to them calmly, and don't let them control the conversation. I honestly hope things get better for you, cause I know how important it is to get support from family members.
parents want the best for you. you have to admit that the negative sterotypical images of gay people that are spread on tv and modern media and in the club scene depicts homosexuality as a lustful "condition" that always ends in something negative. so with that said parents wouldn't ideally want that for their child especially if they are religious. you have told them where you stand, you have seen the therapist, i would say just stop talking to them about it and live your life. if they bring it up, just say you haven't changed our position on things, it is what it is, you love them and you hope they can love you unconditionally and that its best not to talk about it right now because you do not want to be hurt since this is a strange time for you and you dont want to say anything to hurt them.
Hi ByoNexus, thanks for your answer, -I just told them yesterday, so maybe thats why they are stuck in denial. I have to be honest, I really hoped they would say to me "It's okay, we love you" but that didn't happened and, as I said before, they insist I'm confused and can change. -About support groups, I see two problems, first, they wouldn't go physically somewhere because their image could be "damaged" (Yes, they consider homosexuality that of a big deal) and for online support groups... They don't speak english so... The best option, as you suggest is to set up something with my therapist, she could make them come to their senses... I hope -I could also try talking with them calmly, but I'll let time pass to do so... I already told them I'm still the same person and attempting to change will only bring me frustration, but they clearly were not hearing... I hope things get better soon, and as you say family support is quite important, I feel like crap right now... (Not to mention alone and hopeless) ---------- Post added 12th Jul 2011 at 04:48 PM ---------- feelindown, I haven't considered things that way, What you say about stereotypes is totally true, and I think they are amazed to see I don't fit stereotypes (I consider myself a straight-looking-gay-guy) I'll try to live my life, find love and so on, I just hope they don't get hurt by finding I'm doing so... It's complicated
- If you think your therapist might be able to help, its best to try that. - As to the online support groups, there might be some that speak your parents language, just add the language to the search. - I think it would be a good idea to give them more time before talking with them again, maybe wait until after they meet with your therapist. - As for support, do you know anyone who you believe will be supportive? I know your parents forbade you to tell anyone else, but depending on how ready you are to tell people, that could be unfair to you. You might consider telling someone else, so you'd have some face to face positive support, as opposed to online support. Let me know if you want to talk about anything. I'll try to give you some advice if i can. In the end, its all up to you. I can only give some vague advice, but your the one who knows first hand how things stand.
Give it time. It's coming as a shock to them and they're responding out of ignorance (regardless of their doctoral degrees, they can still be ignorant about gay issues.) If the religious issue is a factor, I recommend "Prayers for Bobby" available on itunes for 3 or 4 bucks. And just keeping in conversation is helpful. YOur therapist supports you and that's huge. Once they get that your therapist isn't on their side, I think they will start to see reason. It sucks, but it's just one of those things you have to give some time.
Oh wow, I can't imagine what that must be like. I'd say give it time. Be rational and calm when you discuss it but let them know that you've thought this through a million times in your head and you're pretty sure. I mean, how will they react when you bring a boyfriend home to meet them? Maybe they just need some time. If they are worried about their reputation, then they need to know that all you want is to be happy. You're still you.
This is exactly how my parents reacted and they're trying to reassure me that I'm straight and that I'll be "okay" in the future. Sigh.
I believe it gets better. As cheesy as that sounds, but I definitely believe it. For some, it gets better instantly, but for others, it gets better when they're on their own and their family has had a LOT of time to think about it. They may never accept it (mine, probably won't), but they'll come to accept that you're happy, and I think, that's all that matters to them. Just try to focus on something else that makes you happy. Your sexuality isn't something that makes you up entirely. It's a very small part of who you are. Imagine the people that don't get anything from sex at all (I sometimes envy them, actually). Just focus on other things that make up you––maybe school, or sports, or something. And just hope for the best.
Just ignore it. After a while they will see that you're not confused, and after that they can accept you. Also, it is natural. Many animals mate homosexually, proving it natural. Scientists also have proved that it is natural in humans because they noticed that sometimes the mother's body will see male hormones and send female hormones to feminize the male hormones changing ones sexual desires. Sorry girls this one doesn't apply to you but scientists are trying to figure it out about girls. Just ignore them and find that man you were talking about, they can't change who you are and so you might as well express your atrractions.
I wouldn't mention it until you're on your own or you're actually dating someone. Your sexuality is your own business, no one else's. If they ask, you say it again. You remind them that it's not a choice. But, only if they ask. I think it's better to let them have their bliss for a while. The thing is, though, that they'll always have that nagging feeling at the back of their mind reminding them about what you said, which means they have to THINK of the what if's.
Hey, I'm sorry to hear that coming out didn't go as you would have desired. I think your parents need time to come around. I know it's hard to ignore the fact that your parents aren't being totally accepting of you, but think back. Were you totally excepting of yourself when you discovered you were gay? your parents need time to become comfortable with the idea, just like you needed time to accept yourself. In the meantime, have you given them any literature about what your going through. Here is a link that another EC'er postd a while back. I think it's a great resource from a parents perspective, especially if your parents are coating things with religious undertones. For Parents Of A Gay Child | How To Come Out | Gay Sons | Lesbian Daughters Since your therapist seems to have the right idea, why don't you ask him if he thinks it would be a good idea for him to mediate a group session between you and your parents. I did exactly that when my mom took me to therapy, and my therapist really helped my mom understand that a lot of the issues occurring at home were sometimes instigated by her. But anyway, it could help. Hope everything turns out well!
