From almost all of the people I've come out to, I've told them via text/facebook message. Ever since I started coming out, I feel like I've almost been a coward for not telling them in person, even when I know they'll be fine with it. What's your take on this? Do you think that coming out via digital means is cowardly?
Possibly, but I think even coming out as you are is a brave thing to do, regardless of how you tell someone.
not really. i prefer not to come out digitally only because im afraid of people saving the message or forwarding it to others. do what feels most comfortable.
I really couldn't care less whether it's cowardly or not. It's not like there's an award for most brazen coming out moment. It's an intensely personal thing and you have to do what makes you feel comfortable. I've come out to a few people via other friends. They then came to me to talk about it. Do it your way.
It's not cowardly. Everyone has their own way of coming out, and none of them are wrong or cowardly. Since you've come out a lot in Facebook and text messages, you might be subconsciously trying to not make a spur-of-the-moment mistake in what you say and show, but there's nothing wrong with that. I do encourage you to try to come out in person at least once, just for the difference in feeling. It would likely help you prepare for times where you can't control a specific situation (since those can crop up every now and then), though there's no harm done if you don't.
This is not cowardly at all ! Coming out is tough enough in itself without having to worry about how you're coming out to your friends and family. Everyone is different. Some people are more comfortable coming out in person and some people prefer to come out by letter, e-mails, text messages, phone-call... whatever. What's important is that you're feeling comfortable about coming out and that the people you came out to are fine with it and supportive of who you are. What matters is the end, not the mean to the end. Take care, Cécile
I have literally come out in every possible way. To answer the original question, no, I don't think coming out from a distance is cowardly, because different circumstances call for different approaches. My thinking is the exact opposite. Rather than tell someone and have them retell my coming out from their own perspective, by coming out digitally (in email or whatever) I have given people a concrete artifact of exactly what I said. This is for a couple of reasons. One, I want them to be able to go back and look at it again, after whatever irrational emotional kneejerk reaction they'll inevitably have. Basically, I'm appealing from Philip drunk to Philip sober. Secondly, if they do feel the need to share my coming out with anyone, they have my exact words at their disposal to forward on, so there is absolutely no question about what I said or how I said it. There is no way for anyone to distort the story whatsoever. I came out in an email to my parents. This is what I wrote: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/41003-letter-got-me-disowned-yesterday.html Granted, my parents' initial reaction was not good at all, but I knew before even making the attempt that their reaction was going to be bad regardless, so coming out from a distance gave me physical and emotional safety from their backlash, which was completely over the top. Luckily, it blew over quickly and I feel like I have an even better relationship with my parents now than I did before I came out. I came out to my brother via text (he lives on the other side of the country, and I hate telephones). He was completely cool with it, and we had a long deep conversation about it in person (with his fiancee present) when we got together a few months later. They were both very supportive. I came out in person to my landlord when he was making homophobic remarks, mainly to disprove a stereotype and because he offended me with some of the things that he said. I also came out to my supervisor in person during an annual review. For some reason, I have no problem telling acquaintances or strangers in person, but family is tough. I think because there is always the religious/emotional/interpersonal dynamics at play there.
In my opinion there's no right or wrong way to come out. Therefore there's no brave or cowardly way, everyone should do it the way they want and when they want to, because it's something so deeply unique and personal to all of us. When I was coming out, I made use of msn and texts a lot because I found telling people face to face extremely difficult. I just couldn't stand to see people's initial reactions I guess. I only told my family and one friend in person. I don't really think it matters how you do it, the main thing is - if you feel ready to - telling people no matter what form of communication you use. People will sometimes bring it up in person afterwards anyway, and you're able to discuss it more freely, because there's no "shock" factor anymore. I'd say its completely up to the individual how they come out. I'd say coming out is a brave act in itself regardless of how you do it. It takes strength to do it. Anyone who comes out can never be accused of being cowardly in my mind.
No, I don't think that it is. I'm better at writing down my feelings instead of saying them. I always forget what I am going to say.
I don't think it's cowardly. It's a really personal thing, how you choose to come out. For example, I can't having come out to anyone if I didn't do it face to face. I felt like I'd never be able to be okay being out if I didn't say it to their face, but not everyone feels that way. Especially because it's a lot easier to get out what you need to get out in writing, so no, DEFINITELY NOT cowardly to do what you did
The first time I came out was by text, as was the second. I couldn't bring myself to do it face-to-face, became very difficult for me to tell people in person because I was always scared of their initial reaction. My best friend (the 1st person I told) encouraged me to tell one of our other friends face-to-face as he knew he'd be fine, and telling him and getting a positive reaction made it easier to come out in person to other people. But it is an incredibly personal thing, and you can only do what is best for you. It's not always appropriate or possible to tell people in person, if texting or messaging is easier then go for it, whatever you're comfortable with. The only drawback to messaging is you don't get that instant feedback that you get when you tell someone in person. My first coming out was hell as I sent the message late at night, and didn't get a response from my best friend until the next day. The wait was torture.
On the cowardice scale, it certainly beats not coming out at all. You're fine. We live in a technological world anyway, it's all the same coming out in the end.
Yea I agree with everyone who's saying that summing up the courage to come out is brave in itself. I personally don't like doing it via text message or email though because it feels impersonal. I like being there to read the body language that can otherwise be hidden behind a digital screen.
It's not cowardly at all. I always think that people will save the message - but if you trust them enough to tell them you're gay, then you can trust them not to save the message. I've told three people over MSN and only one person in person, which was a lot harder.
:eek: Never seen so many responses to one of my threads. Just gonna give the reason WHY I do it in digital means. When I came out to my friend in person (the only I've come out to in person), I was a nervous wreck. She was the first person I told, and I just couldn't get my words together. Via digital means, I can get all my words out and what I want them to know without being nervous and anxious. And, they can respond with all of their words out, and they won't say anything they'll regret. And plus, saying something is much more difficult then clicking a button. If I could by digital means, I would tell my parents that way. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell them in person... but you never know.
It is not cowardly. But i prefer socializing with my real life friends in person, just because i am not a too social person and digitalizing social opportunities only helps it screw me up even more. Since i got that conclusion i have a rule; when possible NEVER use MSN or any other kind of digital communication to talk about important stuff with friends, even for coming out. And yeah...i've been doing it since then, even for coming out. But thats me, you have to think whats better for you and do it, i personally don't think coming out digitally is cowardly but i prefer doing it in person, just because it provides much more interaction. (i used facebook once, but that was for coming out to everyone out there who had my facebook, not for one particular group or person)
I also did the same thing to my friends and family. texted them back and forward. after that first communication it became easy (or easier) to talk them about it. Congrats on the first step!
