Hello. This post is probably going to end up sort of long, but I'd like to explain some of my background. This is also the main reason I've joined this forum. I'm a 19 year old university student from Brazil. I'm gay, and have been so for as long as I can remember feeling any kind of sexual attraction. I think I started realizing I was gay when I was about 11 or 12, and my first instinct was to heavily repress it. I went on for some four or five years like that, until I kind of accepted that I was, indeed, gay, couldn't do anything to change it and should come out. At that time, I was living abroad, and decided to tell my parents as soon as I got back home. Unfortunately, I didn't. Whenever I decided to finally do it, I changed my mind at the last moment, not finding courage, or simply couldn't spell out the words. I imagine that's the result of such a long time actively trying to hide and repress my sexuality. I've never kissed or had sex with anyone. I get hit upon once on a while (by girls), but that's it. What is odd is that, unlike most people I've read about in this forum, I live in a pretty gay-friendly environment. My parents never talked to me about sex (my mother thinks that's my father's role, and my father is too shy to do it), but they've always had gay friends and aren't either very religious or homophobic, apart from a few light gay jokes once in a while. One of my best friends is gay and pretty much married (socially, if not legally, as gay marriage isn't quite legal in Brazil yet), but I don't feel comfortable talking to him, or anyone else, about myself. In fact, while I'm sociable and talkative, I'm not a very open person. I don't live with my parents anymore, and most people at my university are not very homophobic. That's it. I'm really glad I could find this forum to talk about that, and I'd appreciate any advice. I think I'm mostly headed the right way (a couple of years ago, I couldn't even say aloud to myself that I was gay), but I sometimes fear that I'll never be able to come out, which is terrifying.
Welcome to EC! I'd say a good start for you might be just to hang out here at EC for a while. It sounds like you're starting to "warm up" to the idea a bit more, but the fact that you can't talk to your gay friend about it seems to indicate you've got some more work in that direction. I often say that the first person you come out to is the most important - and that would be yourself. You need to accept it, grow comfortable with it, and let it simply become "part of you". And chatting with other gay people (even here on this forum) is a great way to help get to that point. Lex
Hi there, and welcome to EC! From what it sounds like, you're just not fully ready to come out. We all take our own paths out of the closet, and if you need more time to come to grips with who you are (something you've made admirable progress in already), then that's perfectly fine and dandy! Feel free to check out the forum as much as you need, learning from others and growing more comfortable with yourself and others (even if those others are anonymous internet identities). I hope to see you around here more! Good luck on your journey!
Hi and first thing welcome to EC I'm glad you've found EC and it's going to help you grow more comfortable and confident about your sexuality. Coming out is not a race. That is something you have to do at your own pace and when you're feeling comfortable with it. It just seems your not there yet, and it's perfectly fine. Some people are comfortable enough to come out very early, and for others it takes a bit more time. I think that being able to interract with other gay people through EC is going to help you becoming more confident about yourself. Feel free to post about any questions you may have and to post in other people's threads or walls. Make yourself at home and see you around Take care, Cécile
Thank you all very much, you are probably right. It just kind of feels like I'm missing out on a lot. I'll be around.
