is being in the closet being decietful?

Everybody has the option of liking you or not whether you are gay, straight, in the closet, or out. The important thing is it seems to be making you feel uncomfortable. No, you don't "owe it to your friends" but you do need to make peace within yourself. So if that means coming out, then do it! Good luck!

 

Your friends could dislike you because you like jazz music, your friends could dislike you because you have a crappy hair cut, your friends could dislike you because you snort like a pig when you laugh.

Point is, if they're your friends, no matter what they *dislike* about you, they should and will accept it, if they are friends.

TBH I don't really think being gay is that much of a big thing, some people do make big deals out of it, I know. But you can always get more friends. Maybe you DO think being gay is a big thing, but will you really go up to your friends when/if you come out and say "did you see that guy? he had an awesome ass?" Probably not, you would probably act the same as you do now. (but I don't know you so I shouldn't make that assumption) To the friends I am out to, I do make it obvious that I'm not straight, but I do it in a joking manner.

Do I think you should tell your friends? Well its up to you. I haven't told all my friends, I was like you and scared he would be-friend me. Even though he told me he wouldn't mind. (I'm a bit of a coward aren't I )

 

I felt like that too and I still do a bit, but after coming out to 2 friends it has been much easier to deal with. One of the main reasons I decided to come out was because I was feeling exactly like you do...distanced from all my friends, not feeling anything for anybody. And coming out really did solve that problem.

Don't think of yourself as a liar and a deciever though!! You are simply protecting something that probably even you can't fully accept and embrace yet...not to mention that you are also protecting yorself, because coming out to the wrong person could have really bad consequences. So I don't think it's a good idea to come out to more friends at once. Just pick a person who you really trust and who you think should know (and of course is not a known homophobe, though even the most homophobic friends tend to change their minds when a close friend comes out to them). So if you decide to come out, plan it ahead of time and be prepared for the best but also for the worst reaction.

 

Yeah sngl put out a good point there, come out to a friend that you know will stick up for you if someone doesn't like it.

 

I know how you feel. I'm in the same situation. If I'm feeling especially down or something, my friends notice that I become detached and kind of awkward to be around (since I don't really pay attention to anything).

I've had so many chances to come out, but I haven't taken any of them. I feel sort of bad, but I don't think I'm quite ready yet. To be honest, I think most of my friends suspect anyway since I avoid the whole "do you have a girlfriend yet?" topic.

Just come out whenever you're ready. You'll know. It doesn't have to be soon, but remember that you're eventually going to do it so it's just a matter of people knowing sooner or later.

 

I know I personally felt a better when I came out but I just knew it was time. If you feel like it then go on ahead but don't just do it if you feel like your not ready for it (the first thing is for you to be okay). As for decieving them, it's not really decieving. It a way it is protection from what can be a scary thought for many reasons.

 

I know how you feel, I really don't feel very secure in my friendships to people who don't know I'm gay, it's an obstacle that I need to pass before I can have more solid friendships. To be honest, once you've told them you're gay, it's out of your hands. If you've come out to a good friend, hopefully they'll realise you're still you, and being gay doesn't change their opinion of you

I didn't come out because it was time, I came out when I wasn't ready and it didn't go well. But now I feel it's time, and I'm not going to lie anymore, although unless someone outright asks me I'm going to find it difficult to find the right moment to tell someone. In 8 months the issue of my sexuality has come up 4 times, and only once have i had the courage to talk about it.

 

I know what you mean. It makes me feel bad to be hiding things from them, like what I did at the weekend or which bar I go to.

I don't have a lot of close friends, my friends are mainly the people I'm with at work. But I do feel quite two-faced for not letting them know what's really going on in my life.

Things are getting really pressured for me as I'm planning to move in with my girlfriend and this will mean having to move jobs and about 50 miles. I suppose people see me as quite a cautious person so this will seem madness to them. I know I don't *HAVE* to tell people if I don't want to. The fear of how theyd react is what's preventing me from saying anything.

Don't get me wrong, I've told a few close friends at work (including my boss) but I've chosen not to say anymore as my workplace is really b***y and some people I guess I don't trust.

So to answer your question, I wouldn't say that doing tis is deceitful, it's just choosing to protect yourself. If they are true friends, theyll respect the choices you make and support you.

I wish you well
x x x

 

When I made the decision to become a minister one of the biggest problems I had in acting on it was what would my friends and family think. Would they question whether I was good enough? Would they accuse me of being a hypocrite? Would they lend me their support or would they make me question myself?

You know what I found? Some of them gave me loads of support and others did anything but! Over time I discovered that my desire to be a minister had nothing to do with anybody else- it was all on me. Did I enjoy the work? Did I find it rewarding? Did I find myself to be genuine and sincere? Did I feel comfortable with myself even when other people judged or criticized me?

My guess is that my coming out as a minister was actually pretty similar to what you'll go through. Some people will be uncomfortable. Other people will think you're mistaken. Some people might tell you, "I already knew that about you." Some will be very supportive. And others won't be. But as long as you're comfortable with yourself- none of that matters but so much.

My advice is to communicate with people on a "need to know" basis. If they need to know in order for you be communicating with them in a way that allows you to be you around them- stop keeping it a secret. If it's none of their business, you're not keeping a secret- you're simply respecting your own privacy.

Talking to others about your being gay isn't about them- it's about you! Is not talking about it preventing you from opening up to fully expressing yourself? Then talk about it! Is there a legitimate reason for keeping it to yourself- well keep it to yourself with that person.

I agree completely with foxglove and all the other good advice on this thread- it isn't deceitful but neither is it all that necessary to worry so much about what others think.

 

From my experience with my son, there is only one of his friends who hasn't been able to accept his homosexualiy. Of the posts here, family have more problems than friends, very few people seem to have been rejected by their friends.

You are the person that you are, you are not defined by your sexual orientation. Being gay does not make you a likeable person, someone who is fun to hang round with, a loyal friend, etc. It is just a part of a whole, and if your friends like the 90% of what they already know there is no reason for them to reject you for being gay.

Having said that we are all of us different people at different times, you don't talk to your grandma or your headmaster at school the way you do in the playground with your mates. This doesn't mean you are decieving your grandma or hiding who you are, it is just that you are showing her the side of you that is acceptable to her out of love and respect. Grandmas don't enjoy swearing or rough housing or crude jokes where as your friends might.

I think you have the right to have a bit of you that is private and when you feel ready or want to you can share that part of you with whomever you want to but this is not lying or being deceitfull. This is your life and everyone has the right to their 'secret garden' if they so want.

 

Just dont be too hard on yourself, everybody has problems an dthey need to hide something from others. The matter is not that you dont let them know, the matter is YOU being good friend, being a helpful person, warm, and dont let them down

Maybe it's just your opinion that your friends shouldnt liek you and not teh real fact

If you can not handle commingout, then dont coem out, , just wait till you are ready, of cousre you wont hold your secrets for teh rest of your life, you may do it someday, sooner or later, and feel good/proud about yourself

For some peopel it takes time for coming out, so be pateint

Dont feel the distance, you are who you are, the important thing is being a good friend/son