I thought I wanted to see a therapist before I told anyone, but now I'm leaning towards telling my dad before I go back to school in the fall. I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality, but if I were to tell him right now, I'd probably say something along the lines of "mostly gay, but not exactly sure, though all my relationships with women have been real." Do you think this is a good way to come out to someone? I know, I know, labels are stupid. But in the real world, people like labels, and I honestly don't feel like giving a PowerPoint presentation on the Kinsey scale every time I come out to someone. So what do you think? Good idea? Bad idea?
That depends on several factors. If you are reasonably certain that your dad is openminded and won't have a problem with it, then it's probably fine to tell him. If you're less certain that he'd be supportive, given that you ar still unsure yourself, it might be better to wait a bit and get more clarity for yourself. The phrase "Mostly gay, though all my relationships with women have been real" sounds like it *could* be "bargaining" (i.e., you're trying to convince yourself you're bi or straight when you're really gay.) Mind you, I'm not telling you you're gay, but I am saying that if you are not certain yourself, and if the idea of identifying as "gay" is scary to you (even if you are not gay) then I'd suggest waiting a bit... because as you become more comfortable accepting yourself, and then choosing the correct label to identify yourself, at that point the other labels won't have any sort of charge or negative connotation about them, if that makes sense. I understand your concern. The whole issue with describing the continuum is complicated for people who don't understand. But generally when we truly accept for ourselves where we stand on the continuum (and aren't doing bargaining to justify where we stand) then the labels no longer have any discomfort for us; we can say "straight" or "bi" or "gay" and not worry that it's a label that approximates rather than precisely describes our orientation. Hope that wasn't too esoteric and theoretical
I agree with Chip here. Only tell your dad if he is openminded, in your situation it may help that the two of you can work it through together, it would be good to have someone you can talk to face to face about this. But only if your dad is openminded and you and your dad has a relationship almost better than friendship. Another plus point in this is that you both will learn what it is, it is a good way to bring your dad even closer to you. Otherwise i would urge you to hold off, first find yourself for who you are and once you have come to terms with it and you are shure of who you are, then you can go to your dad. Remember comming out of the closet doesn't mean to just tell people... it involves self exploration, not just of your body but of your mind, soul and heart. Only once you have completed this part, can you put your hand on the closet door and slowly push it open and tell those you wish to tel
Thanks for the help. First, on his reaction, I am almost positive he will be OK with it. He hates organized religion, and he has always told me he loves no matter what I do (he repeatedly told me this when I was going through some other issue in my life). I mean, he has made the occasional joke about gay people, but who hasn't? He doesn't make particularly more jokes about homosexuals than any other group. With the bargaining thing, this may be part of it, but I'm honestly not sure. I know that I am way more attracted to men, but I do have legitimate attractions, though rarer, attractions to woman. I have also been in relationships with women where I have been attracted to them both physically and emotionally. True, I was in the closet when I had these relationships, but at the same time, I know from the bottom of my heart they were real, in the same way I know I'm much more attracted to men. This is why I think "mostly gay" is the best way to describe myself at this point. At some point in the future, I may identity as just "gay." I'm guessing that will probably happen. But right now, I know I had and still have real attractions to women. The whole part about my relationships having been real, that probably wouldn't come in the same sentence, but would rather surface somewhere in our discussion.