I'm writing this more just for myself, but if anyone actually reads it all, I commend you and welcome any comments. I just feel the need to get this off my chest and an anonymous public forum seems like a good way to do it. It seems like every time I answer one question one more gets asked. It's the summer before I go off to college, and I have had nothing but time to think and reflect. I can't ignore my orientation any more, but acknowledging it has made me no less conflicted unlike what I've read happens to everyone else. Just like I can't help but like guys, I can't help but think that it might be solely the work of environmental factors and personal decisions that made me this way, a thought that tears me apart as someone who has only wanted to fit in his entire life. On paper, my family looks like an average Bible Belt household: middle class, one mom, one dad, two boys, and a dog. But my parents have never really fit the mold where we live, and as a result, neither have my brother and I. My dad is a former wild guy from the 70s, and though he is now a productive member of society, he still grows his hair and beard out and carries some very non-conformist notions of authority and tradition. My mom prides herself on being an inner-city high school teacher and world traveler, yet she's strangely naive and simple-minded, almost out of habit. Paradoxically enough, they are staunch conservatives and Christians like almost everyone else here. So I grew up with a conflicting values system, being told to broaden my horizons and push the envelope, yet accept certain ideologies without questioning them. My parents loved to foster my intellectual interests, but because my dad was never an athlete himself, they only half-heartedly encouraged my athletic interests. My dad's "typical guy stuff" was cars and hunting, two things that never have interested me. Without full support, I was never successful despite my eagerness and talent, and I was left with a strong distaste for anything related to team sports. In a sports-crazy college town like this, though everyone is friendly, you'll have a hard time relating to other guys if you don't do sports. Early on, I had no problem making friends, but as sports took on a larger role in their lives, the friendships started fading. After elementary, I left my tight-knit Christian school, thinking that I'd make better friends at a larger public school. That didn't happen. So there I was at 13, a time when puberty and gender roles come into play, and I had no friends, no confidence, no masculinity outlet, and a strangely distant father who never did talk to me about girls. I was simply told by him and my church "No sex until marriage." I took that to mean that I shouldn't even date unless I'm looking for a wife (they didn't actually mean that), so I repressed any interest I had in girls, though to this day I'm confused whether there was much to begin with. Instead, I retreated into my academics, and to my bane, I started looking at gay pornography, and I'm virtually addicted to it to this day (I'm working incredibly hard to change that).:icon_redf These six years since then have been a complete blur, and it's only been in the past few months that I've been able to finally slow down and think, and while it's put things in perspective, I have no less internal conflict. Logically, I know that orientation is basically predetermined, but I still can't help but wonder what if my parents had actually encouraged my athleticism? What if we had lived somewhere else? What if I hadn't stumbled into gay porn? Logically, I've resolved the conflicts of my faith and my sexuality, but I still feel like I'm writhing sin and that I'm going against God's will. Since coming out to myself, I've felt more confident and surprisingly more masculine. I've been able to be more of the outgoing, sports- and outdoors-loving, typical guy that I am. But at the same time, it's felt like a condemnation to a life I don't want, one where every interaction with my family will be tainted with disappointment, one where I can't have biological children with the one I'll love, one full of persecution by conservatives and paternalism by liberals, one where I'll never fit in anywhere. I feel the need to come out to a select few people as "test runs," but as the time is coming nearer, I'm starting to question my homosexuality, bringing up all the doubts I've voiced here, telling myself things like "You haven't been with a girl before" and holding onto the fact that I occasionally find girls attractive, even though it's never enough to even sustain any sort of serious relationship. The fact is I'm gay. I'm gay. I'M GAY IMGAYIMGAYIMGAYIMGAYIMGAY :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang: So yeah, that pretty much sums up what I'm going through right now, but I'm holding out that it'll get better.
Hi. I'm not the best at giving advice, but if in your heart you truly know you're gay, nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if you were "born this way" (pardon the Lady Gaga quote), or if your sexuality is partially a result of personal decisions and environmental factors. All that matters is that you know who you are, and this may change, you will have doubts, or questions (like the ones above), but if you look deep into yourself and know that you're gay, that's the most important thing. So seriously, follow your heart, I know that sounds super cheesy, but just do what makes YOU happy. If that means marrying a man one day and having a family, then that's amazing, if that means some other future, then that's also amazing. I don't really have that much experience, but I think getting your thoughts straight is a good thing, however at some point it's healthy to stop dwelling in questions and doubts of the past and live in the present. Is there a person in your life you could talk to about how you feel? But whatever you're going through now, it WILL get better. Have hope
I don't know how much help I'll be able to be, but I'll try: First off, you know this, but homosexuality IS predetermined. There are plenty of athletic gay people, there are plenty of gay people all over the world, there are plenty of gay people who don't watch porn. Sometimes, when you're doubting yourself, it's nice to be just reassured, and I'm sure you'll get plenty of that here. Secondly: You're about to go off to college, and generally college is a really good place to discover yourself. I won't say more than that, but in general you'll be able to find people who are similar to you. I wont' tell you how to live your life in college, being out might make it easier in ways, but whatever you do, it's a new chapter of your life. You'll learn about yourself and your place in the world no matter what happens. Ultimately, from what I can tell of your description of your family, they'll come around to love you no matter what. There might be disappointment at first, but if they see you truly happy with who you are, I'm sure they'll be happy for you. Coming out to yourself is the first step, and its not an easy one. This forum tends to be pretty great, and most people are much better at giving advice than I am. This a great support resource, and I'm sure people here will be willing to give you all the support you need.
I have gone through the same thing as you when it comes to religion. My parents do not go to church, but I went with my friends when I was little and quickly became one of the most active members. My freshman year of high school I began to realize that I was different. After three years of debating between my beliefs and my sexuality, I realized that I was bisexual. You will find the place that you'll fit in. I've come out to my two friends so far (the ones that originally took me to church) and they were fine with it. About your parents, I think that even if they had done things differently, you would just feel out of place. I am more of a tomboy, so my parents always tried to force me into girl stuff. I was always the girl that liked to play sports and stuff though. So when my parents tried to put into girl activities, I felt completely out of place. It sounds to me like you are becoming more comfortable with your sexuality.You have to come out to yourself before you can come out to others. I know that it is hard to accept your sexuality, especially when there is religion involved with it. I believe that God created us as LGBT people. But there is plenty of information on the internet that you can look through to make that decision for yourself. If you need to talk feel free to message me. Best of luck!!
- "Logically, I know that orientation is basically predetermined, but I still can't help but wonder what if my parents had actually encouraged my athleticism? What if we had lived somewhere else? What if I hadn't stumbled into gay porn?" I've gone and am going though a lot of the sames things as you. Growing up in my small town I was also raised in a pretty religious and conservative household. My parents always got me into different sports when I was younger, though the only one I ever really cared about was soccer. I had always been attracted to guys and knew it but didn't actually realize I was anything but straight until I got to college and fell for a guy. Honestly it should have been pretty obvious since the first porn I ever searched was gay porn, and it then became my standard lol. I've also realized how what I've felt for some of my old friends was probably a little more than friendship. Not to mention I would actually catch myself thinking, "I wonder what everyone else would think if they knew I liked guys." I still wonder how I managed to convince myself I was straight (although I also had and still have crushes on some girls from time to time) and even a little homophobic, while living at home before going to college. I do think I would have eventually realized I was bi, but it still probably would have been a while, and if I had moved somewhere else it might have happened sooner. It will get better While I've had to deal with a lot in my own process: religion, family, friends, etc. It feels good to be open and be able to be more of who I actually am.
