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Coming out after marriage and kids

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Greenly79, Jul 17, 2011.

  1. Greenly79

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    I need to hear from some parents/those previously married to someone of the other sex. I'm so confused.
    In short, I tried to marry myself straight, had two kids, and my marriage clearly didn't last long. The kids aren't even school age yet (getting closer) and the divorce is going to trial. We're still bitterly fighting over custody (his live-in girlfriend is salivating to get married and he doesn't want to pay child support). He doesn't know I'm a lesbian, but he does know that I've "experimented" in the past with women and it went in one ear and out the other.
    I was finally able to come out to myself recently, and to a couple others. I think it really did take actually getting married and having kids and being utterly miserable (when I realized that no, you CANT marry yourself straight and now you've REALLY gone and ruined your life) for me to break down the walls enough to let go of that fantasy and admit I'm gay.
    But, now, I feel like the only lesbian on the planet with small children and an (soon to be) ex husband. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. It's too many issues. Largely closeted lesbian divorced single mom of twins? Underemployed and in legal fee debt up to her eyeballs? C'mon, now, God. Really?
    Other gay parents look at me quizzically/are taken aback when I mention that the kids are from my marriage, a lot of single lesbians closer to my age (mid 20s) obviously don't have kids, and the only lesbian acquaintances I have are in their fifties.
    I feel alienated from a lot of single moms because I have a joint arrangement with my ex and a lot of the time they have little/no responsibility on the part of their kids' dad. I feel alienated from married couples with kids because I'm single.
    I guess I'm constantly surprised that so many people aren't more accepting of those who aren't exactly like them, no matter the reason. And it makes me feel like even MORE of an outcast.
    Anything anyone can tell me about coming out after having kids and getting married (esp anyone with small kids? Am I really alone here?) and divorced I really want to hear... I really need support.
     
  2. s5m1

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    Hi Greenly. I am sorry for not responding sooner - I was out of town. It sure sounds like you could use a hug. You have a lot going on in your life right now, so it is no wonder you are feeling bad. I know first-hand. I also tried to marry myself straight. One divorce and three wonderful kids later – I am still gay. No surprise there. :slight_smile:

    As dark as things look now, they will definitely get better. At one time, I felt very similar to you. I thought I had ruined my life. It felt like I was the only person in the world going through it. I thought coming out would mean the end of my professional life and rejection by my friends and family. I was convinced my relationship with my kids would be destroyed and that they would be forever scarred if they learned I was gay. I hated myself for being gay, yet I knew I could never change it. I was convinced there was no live an open and happy life as who I was.

    I was in a deep depression and constantly thinking negative thoughts. With all that negativity, I simply could not see any good options.

    Now let’s fast forward to the present, after a few years and a lot of tough sessions with a great therapist, and see whether I was right. After a three-year battle, my divorce finally settled the day before trial, and I have paid off my legal fees. Once the acrimony of the legal process ended, I came out to my ex-wife. Understandably, she had many questions. She was also extremely supportive. We have built a great relationship and co-parent our children exceptionally well. She welcomes me, and my partner of three years, into her home regularly.

    Once I came out professionally, I stopped wasting needless energy worrying about being discovered at work. My relationships with my co-workers deepened, as I was finally able to be myself and drop the barriers I had put up. I am also using my building a portion of my practice servicing LGBT clients.

    My partner and I spent the past weekend with friends at Rehoboth Beach, one of whom has been a teacher for many years. They are a wonderful gay couple, in their sixties, who have been together for decades. We swapped coming out stories, including talking about our various ex-wives, divorces and children. We also socialized with another friend. He and I talked about our kids, including his oldest son, who just finished college. While talking, we saw another friend walk by with his adult son – a father and son weekend at the beach. Each of these friends had gone through his own tough period, but all emerged happy, healthy and able to enjoy life. Interestingly, all of the kids of our friends were well adjusted and successful people. And, all of these kids knew that they were growing up with a gay parent.

    I apologize if this response was a bit long, but I wanted to show you how many people have gone through similar experiences and gone on to live wonderful lives as openly gay people. Please know that you are not alone. Countless LGBT people have made it through, just as you will. There will be some hard times. There will be times when you will cry, yell, scream, curse or do all of these at the same time. However, these times will pass, become less frequent, and eventually end.

    Please, if you have not already done so, find a therapist you can open up to. Mine made my journey possible and showed me how my negative thinking was my problem, not the fact that I am gay. Once I realized this and learned different ways of thinking about my life, a whole new world opened up for me. It will for you too.
     
  3. Greenly79

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    Yes, a hug is in order right now :icon_sad: I am SO glad to hear your response, I feel really alone right now. I've pretty much lost my sense of humor, I'm taking antidepressants, and it just looks so... bleak. On the one hand I'm relieved that I have come to terms with this, but being gay seems to be the only thing I know for sure about my life right now.
    I think my ex is my biggest hurdle in seeing a remotely happy future.. all i can think is that he would jump at the chance to take me back to court in the future if he knew I was gay. And I'm so filled with dread that I can't hide it from him forever. At mediation, the judge flat out said, "He just wants to win. He hasn't mentioned actually parenting them once." He is intent on literally destroying me and has been harassing me. So, that's obviously causing me the most anxiety, but at some point down the line I will have to cross the line and decide I don't give a damn about him, decide not to live my life for him, and live openly.. I try to tell myself... but then there's the issue of the catholic school the kids are supposed to go to.. the school, the other parents, the other kids... and so on. It all makes my head spin and I just feel so horrible and like I'm being selfish... for being gay?? Making the lives of all the people I love harder than they would have to be. Even though I can't do anything about it and I have finally accepted that.
    I just get so angry sometimes at how unfair it all seems, but I try to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being gay, what is wrong is people's misguided beliefs about gay people. And then I turn on the news and get angry and hate myself all over again.
    I'm just glad to hear that people have shuffled down this path before and survived.. I'm going to get a therapist when this divorce is over to help (re?)build my life.
    But I just don't know how to EXPLAIN myself to people. All their assumptions tend to be wrong -- married people assume I'm married, straight people assume I'm straight, gay people assume I've never been married and don't have kids at my age... I need to find some way to simply let people in on who I am.. when I correct them in some way for a wrong assumption, they get confused and it opens more questions, or they get confused and uncomfortable and the conversation gets off track... am I just going to be constantly coming out about every part of me forever? Maybe when I get a new group of friends in the future... if I can find anyone I don't make uncomfortable :dry:
     
  4. KneeDragger

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    I understand much of what you've gone through. I'm 43, separated, and I have 3 kids. My wife and I are on very good terms, so I consider myself lucky in that area.

    People who know we are separated always assume I'm straight. Someone at work asked if I was bringing a girlfriend to our company picnic. Others ask if I'm dating other women yet. It's just the way it is. I don't let that bother me.

    What I can tell you is that everyone I've come out to has been supportive. Even my anti-gay Christian coworker friend. I was afraid of telling him until one day he started on an anti-gay rant. I argued back and told him I was gay. He was floored. I figured that friendship was over. Instead, he thought about it and said it changes nothing. And that's the point. Nothing has to change once the news is out except now you can be you.

    The best thing I've found is that my friends have become closer to me. They joke with me all of the time. It really is the best part about coming out. You'll get there too. Don't hate yourself for who you are. Embrace it and be who you want to be. You'll find that it won't matter to the people who matter to you!
     
  5. seedoubleu

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    I totally understand how you feel - I'm a gay man, father, and still a husband (to my wife). Gay couples don't get me because I'm still married to my wife, gay singles don't get me because I'm still married at all, and straight couples pick up on my vibes apparently pretty quickly so we don't end up having too many friends. And straight singles don't get that kids take a _lot_ of your time, at least until they're older (I hope!). I have a hard time fitting in with any of the crowds. Shoot, even the guys who were married and then came out think I'm weird for staying with my wife, because all of _them_ left their wives and so I should too. It's more complex than that - my wife and I get along quite well except for the intimacy issue, and we don't want to break up our family (not to mention, my in-laws don't know about me, and the day that happens, all heck breaks loose).

    What I can say is things always seem to get better eventually, just give it time, and try to get out there, make friends, get a support system so that you can lean on others when it's rough.
     
  6. Paul_UK

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    A friend of mine is in a similar situation and has got a lot of support from one of the online gay dads support networks. These are specifically for people in the same situation so you will find a lot of empathy and understanding. It may be worth googling "gay dads" and see what you can find. There are of course quite a few members here in the same situation too, as you've already seen in this thread.

    Welcome cdwiegand, as that was your very first post here. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Greenly79

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    Sorry it took me awhile to answer, guys, thanks so much for responding.. It makes me feel less alone. And I haven't looked for an online heterosexually-divorced-lesbian-mom group, but there is a group out there for everything so I'll give it a try :icon_wink
    I'm glad to hear that you had some good experiences coming out, I just had one myself! I was worried that things with my best friend would become awkward when I came out to her.. but I had to take the gamble. We can't have girl-talk over coffee anymore with me lying and omitting things. It's just become too much. And I need someone I can talk to more honestly. At first, she acted sort of awkward for a little while, but enough time has passed now that we do seem closer and we can joke about it. We hung out last night and had a glass of wine and I feel a lot better.
    But, one of my co-workers is studying and trying to make a decision about going to seminary and becoming a priest. I would never and have never said anything to him about it, but from conversations we've had and how often homosexuality has come up at work (we have kids with same-sex parents in our class) and his reactions, I really get the impression he is gay and has a complicated relationship with his faith. Catholic school and how they will/would react to some of our outgoing preschoolers/their families came up, and he said that Catholic schools down here can still kick kids out for having gay parents. I just can't imagine carrying that burden...
    I want to send my kids to the catholic school connected to our church, and am applying in August for them to go next year. The knowledge that if I have a relationship I'll have to hide it from my kids school... under penalty of EXPULSION is very scary. Especially because it would be easy for my kids to mention it to even just one kid, who mentions it to just one parent, who gets the lot of us ostracized and expelled. I don't know how to reconcile this. I can't hide anymore, but I can't let their dad, his family, or the kids school (when they are in school) know I'm gay... ok, so then I have to keep it from my own kids as well? Or if I tell them as they get older, I have to teach them it's a secret to be ashamed of? And, if I meet someone, I have to keep them a secret? Refer to them as my "friend?" "Roommate?" do I have to sacrifice my life to keep my kids safe? Happy? Well-adjusted? Will they lose all their friends and their school one day because of me?
    With my soon to be ex the way he is, I will have to stay pretty far in the closet to keep my kids at all for quite a few years, that I accept, but I accepted that with the idea that eventually, a few years down the road, when the kids were in school and things had died down a bit, I could start to live a more open/normal life.
    I just got so angry at how unfair it is and how impotent I feel. Plus, as I spend more time around people I'm out to, people I'm not out to catch me off guard my making comments about me finding a boyfriend, etc.. and it's people rejecting my kids that's in the forefront of my mind if I correct them. I can't even think straight anymore.
     
  8. KneeDragger

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    Wow, that school has tough standards. We sent our kids to catholic schools and none of them in this area have any sort of expulsion rules like that. I hope they hold that standard to other sinful activities and not just homosexuality. It just doesn't make sense to me as a catholic that they would punish the kids for the parents actions. Oh well.

    Congrats for telling your friend. Having someone to talk to and support you is exactly what you need at this time.
     
  9. Eleanor Rigby

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    Well, do you really want to send your kids to a school that would reject who you are and teach your kids that being gay is wrong ? I think it's a very serious question to ask yourself. It's not only about staying yourself in the closet, it's also about how this could affect your relationship with your children and about the values you want them to be taught.
    I think this is a serious matter to discuss with your children's mother.
    And congratulations for coming out to your friend by the way :slight_smile:
     
  10. Greenly79

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    I have been asking myself these questions too. The tradition on both sides of the family is one of catholicism... as far back as is traceable. I feel that I can teach my kids the lessons on diversity they won't learn in that environment, and that the public schools here are worse... but there just seems to be so much holding me back from uprooting the kids and finding a new church because I'm gay. even though it isn't because of me being gay, it's because the church's teachings on homosexuality are wrong and I don't want my kids to learn that.. I'm so confused right now and I'm still trying to figure it all out. If it weren't for the kids and keeping the traditions of their dad's family especially, I don't think I would even put them/me in catholic school/church. It just doesn't accomodate... me. Aren't I supposed to be a child of God too?
    I know a lot of catholic schools don't care, or just see dollar signs, but this is Texas, and they wouldn't have to officially expel my kids, just make us miserable enough to leave (even though they can expel you for whatever reason -- "ask" you "not to return," and then there's further steps if you still pursue it). What enrages me (yes, enrages... of all the feelings I have about this crap this is my biggest beef) is that no, knee, I'm not worried about my kids having issues at school because their parents are divorced (even though it's a big taboo and I was the only single parent at the baptism class), and the church tolerated their dad bringing his girlfriend to the baptism and sitting next to her (that he had been cheating on me with while I was at home breastfeeding our newborns and he now lives with) because they and I felt the kids shouldn't suffer because of his conduct... but gay? that's too far. They're private schools and can expel your kids legally if they don't want your "element" around, but I haven't actually heard of this happening here. It's the constant threat hanging over people's heads and I also haven't yet known a single kid in a parochial school with an openly gay parent, of the schools in the area I know/grew up around, including my own private school. It was hard enough being the only single mom in a room of over 50 couples attending the baptism classes, so I've had a taste of making people feel awkward...
    Also a problem is that if the school found out I was gay, I'm afraid it might align them with the cheating dad I'm taking to court for harassment in a week and a half. He and his now live-in girlfriend may present themselves to the school as this nice, catholic, heterosexual couple, and of course he cheated, etc because I was a big fat homo, and now they're a stable, wonderful family...
    Maybe I'm more paranoid than I need to be, but it's their futures. I don't know how to reconcile a lot of this within myself, let alone out on this scale and with other people's lives at stake. I know I can stay closeted with their school for a long time, yes, I'm just worried the kids would out me to the other kids over time... but I guess that's years down the road.
    I think the situation is different with a gay couple who adopts or uses a donor sending their kid(s) to catholic school than with a divorced lesbian too -- most of these schools are struggling, and money talks, let's face it. They may put aside their moral beef with the child's family situation for the income. But in my situation, there are so many more complications and issues..
    It all makes me sick to my stomach.
     
  11. KTLA

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    My heart goes out to you and I understand your concern. I used to work in a Catholic school and it was made very clear that my personal life needed to conform with the teachings of the Church. I'm not out to anyone except the woman I love, and am currently beginning the process of separation from my husband (2 kids 16 and 8) and wonder what they will say in my hometown if one day I'm lucky enough to introduce them to this woman. Most of the people I know there are very open-minded but they are worried about enrollment and don't risk affiliation with anything controversial. I love them all, and this has been part of my identity all my life. It seems so ridiculous for them to change their mind about us because of who we love.
    I send all my support and admiration for your bravery thus far!! You are amazing and things will become clearer. Your love and light will lead the people around you to understand!
     
  12. HopeFloats

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    I just wanted to stop in and say you're not alone. I'm slightly older but my daughter is still pretty young. She'll be 3 in Novemember. The phrase "married straight" is new to me but I guess that's what I tried to do too. Naturally it didn't work. My exhusband didn't cheat on me but he did have his own secrets. We separated after a year and a half, when the baby was 6 months old. Now I'm coming out. Lesbians hear I have an exHusband and assume I'm straight or wonder how that whole thing happened. Most parents of kids this age are still together. Being a single mom is hard and extremely time consuming. It's hard to imagine how I will manage dating.

    As for the church thing, I am episcopalian. We welcome many former Catholics. Not all episcopal parishes are gay friendly but many are. I encourage you to find one. The liturgy is familiar but it's more inclusive.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2013 at 12:01 AM ----------

    I mean that the service and the music will be familiar to people familiar with the Catholic Church service. My church welcomes gay families and single parents, even though it's one of the oldest and most well established churches in Atlanta. I love it a much. It means a lot to me that my daughter is growing up in a church where gay people are more than "tolerated" - we are welcomed.
     
  13. turning gay

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    I am 35 did the kid thing never married but am gay now and glad. better to face the truth than to live a lie. Tell your kids when you are good and ready in the mean time enjoy the real you!