So here's my story: Looking back, I can say that I had strong feelings for a guy in eighth grade. At the time I didn't know it, but I basically followed him around like a puppy and hanged on every word he said. Of course, when he bluntly said he didn't want to associate with me, I was heart broken. Back then I thought it was the loss of a good friend that hurt so much, but now I think it was because I had a crush on him. I tried dating girls afterwards and the first two relationships sputtered and fell apart fast. I was horrified to discover I didn't want to get physical with them in any way, shape or form. So, stupidly, I shoved those feelings as far down as they would go and asked out yet another girl. Things turned out a bit better then they could have considering everything, she was nice and a great person. The first two times we tried to have sex, I couldn't perform. When we did have sex, I enjoyed it only because I knew she was enjoying it. For whatever reason, I thought that made me straight, and all the other things were just some sort of "phase". Until last summer, I could pretend like I was straight. But one night I remember dreaming of a close guy friend of mine in a very romantic way, and long story short, I knew that I had to face the issue. I've come to realize now that I like men. I don't want to accept it, but I definitely don't have a choice. So here's my problem: Am I gay or bisexual? I mean, I'm not revolted at the thought of having sex with a girl, it just doesn't turn me on physically. I can see a hot girl and appreciate her beauty, it just doesn't really effect me. I've never been with a guy that way, and I have had sex with a girl, multiple times. On the other hand, I know that visualizing a guy is really the only way I can get turned on. I now have a crush on my best friend, and feel incredibly guilty; one because I'm in a relationship, and two because he's straight. I honestly don't know how to proceed, and could really use some advice. Anything is appreciated.
Welcome to EC! Going strictly on what you told me, I'm going with "gay". Gay doesn't mean you find girls "icky". I personally have found girls pretty, and even downright stunning. But nothing happens south of the equator when I look at them. It's guys that make me horny. As for your friend, well, welcome to the "I've got a crush on my straight friend" club - population nearly-every-gay-guy-in-the-world-at-some-point. We can help you through that next if you'd like. Lex
If I get this right, you're not attracted to her (or any other women) romantically or physically. But you are to men. I think Lex is right. The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like it's a phase. You should talk to your girlfriend about this. With your crush, with me, any time I'd found out someone one I liked was straight, they became as off-limits to me as women. I just think a guy liking women is kind of a turn off. So I never really had a chance for it to turn into a serious crush. I don't know how serious your crush is. So I don't know how easy this would be, but I personally would just try to forget it.
I agree with Lex and Crazyhead, the fact that your turned on by guys and not girls makes you gay. You have to come to terms with it. Once you have accepted the fact, then the time is right to speak to your gf. But becarefull, you have to do it very nicly and politicaly, they have feelings too and most of the time if they went out with a guy and the guy comes and confess he's gay, they can start to have self doubt issues, like wether it was something she did and so on. My two best friends were dating one another, and when the guy came out too her, she thought it was something she did, it was so bad that she tried to commit suicide. But good luck and remember we are here if you need to talk to someone.
I'm almost exactly the same as you when it comes to attraction. I hesitate to tell anyone what their own orientation is, but it sounds to me like you're gay. I tried to tell myself I was straight simply because I liked the idea of having and loving a girl, but that was all it was, an idea. Then I tried to tell myself I was bi because I found both girls and guys attractive. That's something a lot of gay guys deal with because it's socially acceptable to explore their attraction to girls, however limited it may be. Even though I find many girls attractive, it's more just out of admiration; they don't do anything for me down there haha.
Thanks for the advice and warm welcome. Ugh, I really don't know how to go from here. I mean we're going to two separate colleges in about a month, should I just wait it out since neither of us want to keep a romantic relationship during college? I guess I'd have to tell her eventually, but couldn't I wait until she was with someone else to minimize any backlash?
I wouldn't. To me, the longer you go without telling, the harder it is. I also just don't think it's nice to string her along. I don't think it's fair to her or you. But that's kinda debatable. I also think that once you come out to someone, it's easier to come out to other people. But this also probably differs from person to person.
first, welcome to EC! this site kicks so much ass. and second, u don't have to tell her your gay- just that you want to break up. if you want to get closer to the truth, tell her that you don't feel any spark. that's sometimes 2 way, and she might not disagree with you there. and it may not be that hard, since neither of you want a long distance relationship.
Man, why does this have to be so damn hard? I guess I should tell her. I've kinda felt out my mom to see how she'd react and I know she'd be alright with it. I don't talk to my Dad so no trouble there. As for my friend that I have a crush on, well, I've been putting some distance between me and him for awhile now. And while him not responding whatsoever hurts, I think it might be better to let that trend continue. As for my other two friends, one I think would either be perfectly fine with it, or be constantly paranoid that I was interested in him (which is definitely not the case). My other friend, I'd like to say would be fine with it since we've been friends for seven years now, but I know he was raised in a really racist and homophobic family. As horrible as it sounds, my only hope is the fact that he hates his family. I guess telling my mom would be the first step...I just don't know how to even approach it. T.T
Hey man, welcome to EC! First off I don't have the right telling you what your sexuality is, but I can definitely relate to your story. I liked the idea of being in a romantic relationship with a girl, but she just didn't do anything for me down there. Sex didn't work out. I've been in college for a year since I broke up with my girlfriend. She's been with someone else for months and she's very much in love with him from what I hear. I think that this will definitely make her more understanding, and less depressed when I come out to her. As for telling anyone else, It seems like you have that more figured out than me. I did tell one of my best friends over fb chat. I knew he would accept it beforehand, and he had already saw some questioning entries in my internet history one time haha, so he already had an idea.
Thanks for the welcome. Its been on my mind for a loooooooong time, that's why I have a few things figured out. But in reality I'm scared to death of telling my two friends and girlfriend. I think my girlfriend will be alright with it, so long as I can explain to her it definitely isn't anything on her part or anything like that. And I know, worse case scenario is my two friends won't have anything to do with me and I'll make new friends when I'm up at college. But it would rip a huge hole in my heart to lose the person I could count on for the past seven years.
Just wanted to post that I ended concluding that I am bisexual. I genuinely love my girlfriend, and would want to stay in a romantic relationship with her if I could be closer (in distance) to her while we went to college. While she's the only girl I've ever felt that way for, I can't act as if she's the only girl I'll ever feel that way about. But I also know that what my body likes and wants too. Thanks to everyone who posted here, the warm welcome and support was really appreciated!
