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Drained (Long need to vent)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nintenfreak92, Jul 17, 2011.

  1. So first, I would just like to say that I am unbelievably frustrated with almost every aspect of my life and everything with my life.... and it will prolly come off that way and if I offend anyone that is not my intention and I am not looking to argue with people about what i think about things and how I feel... I just need to vent all of this out and I don't have any place else to do it....

    So I am now approaching my second year of college and the first glaring problem here is that I may not even be able to attend it... I am beyond broke, did not receive any sort of financial aid to assist me in paying for college and my parents can not and will not assist me in any way... good news, I received a promotion at work which came with a beautiful raise... bad news, it is an on campus job and as soon as I notify the university that I will not be returning in the fall I will be fired from my job... which also means that in October or so my student loans are going to require a payment of some kind... so basically I am screwed there... Another fun story... for some dumb effing reason the town I live in signs leases in the fall for the upcoming year... so I signed my apartment lease for the 2011-2012 school year in October of 2010... don't really know how I am going to pay for that one really either...

    Now onto my ever-decreasing circle of friends... let's see... In high school I was under the impression i had a fairly close knit circle of friends who would always be there for me and help me and just talk to... and then I started college... and I haven't spoken to any of them... many are mad at me for numerous reasons... many of which are too ridiculous on their part to even explain. My college friends... almost non-existent too, I have incredible trust issues and don't just open up to people very easily... so basically I floated through my first year of college with a single friend... one person who I could turn to... and that person just turned their back on me for good.... and everyone on here and all of my family will tell me is probably for the best.

    Basically his name is K, we met a year ago... tried dating, he will deny it and say it was nothing to him, but it was something to me... he was the first guy I had ever dated and he was a long list of firsts... he was also the first of many douchebags and a-holes I would date and meet... So K didn't dump me on my bday last year, he just down right fell off the face of the earth... and at the end of the summer reared his ugly head... and I will admit that at first the only reason I even talked to him is because i had feelings for him... but as the year went on those feelings went away and I considered him like a brother to me... We would hang out all the time, go to the gym together, I even bought him Lil' Wayne tickets for his birthday so we could go together. Well around christmas time he proposed to rent out his spare bedroom at his house (he is 27, once again i already know) to me for the summer because he knew I needed someplace to live for the summer. And everything was fine until about a month before I moved in... and then I started seeing everything that everyone else was telling me and how he was treating me and things like that... and basically things went south and I only lived with him for two months... in two months time I had lost my "big brother" he kicked me out of the house on my birthday because of an argument we had because I was upset he didn't get me anything for my bday... after I spent my life savings on him for his... It has been two weeks and he unfriended me on facebook and we haven't spoken... and naturally I miss him but I am too prideful to ever text him... and tbh that's prolly for the best...

    And now onto the most fun of this whole effing thing and the thing that I already know many people will scold me for and talk to me about and everything else... I have heard it all... I am not mature enough to date, I am not ready for a relationship, I need to be more comfortable with myself before I can love someone else... I know these things... but the loneliness and the pain I am feeling is too much to actually listen to you... I am dumb i know and I am stupid but I dont know any other way to deal with it... So on to my ever increasing list of relationship problems and the part that will prolly upset a few people... In one year's time I have dated 8 people... and all 8 relationships have played out the same... now this is dating... not boyfriends... because as every single one of them has told me... there is a difference... and not a single one was ready for a relationship... with me at least... All of them play out the same... I really like someone... and I think they like me, we go on a date and things seem to be going well, we maybe go on a second or we talk for a couple weeks... then out of no where they stop talking to me... I know the signs... next thing is I ask what's up... then we have a talk about how they aren't ready for a relationship, how I am a nice guy and I will find someone, how i am just not what they are looking for... I know... and then in a couple days i will see this person is now "facebook" official with some other guy... some guy they were talking to and seeing the entire time they were talking to me... they arent ready for a relationship... with me... which they always seem to leave out but at this point I know what they mean...

    And here I am now... So beyond lonely with no one to turn to... many people on here have suggested counseling or therapy... I tried that... it didn't really help, most were too preoccupied with my family life or trying to fit me into some gay stereotypical problem about acceptance and coming out and that crap... Now I can't afford it and i wont be attending my university anymore to get the free health insurance with them... my parents' insurance doesn't include any sort of therapy and if it did my parents used it on my sister... I have so many trust issues... I can't make friends at work because I don't want to get close to the people because they wont be around for long... and I am a supervisor and keep my personal and professional life very very far apart... but I am encompassed by this ever increasing loneliness that is making life harder and harder to deal with... I am not suicidal before anyone asks... and also I don't know why I have such a want for being in a relationship... why I jump from one to another... I've always wanted to experience it, from the moment I hit puberty and was told by my mother that it was something that was going to have to wait until college I have wanted it so badly... I was required to go to every high school dance because I was on the student council even though it was a nightmare for me... and still I am living this same night mare... I don't know what else to do and i dont know how to piece my life back together and the biggest thing is I dont know how to get out of this rut I am in... I have tried everything to meet other people but nothing has worked... anything dating related has turned up the exact same kinds of people...

    I have been talking to a guy that I like that I met online... he is different than what I normally go for but also very much the same... I know what I should do here but I am not strong enough to do it... He is 17, nice and funny and I like him... but I dont know how he feels about me... he is afraid to meet me... and he has been talking on and off with another guy for 8 months now... this other guy says he is 22 but looks much much older... tbh I feel like I am being kept around just in case things fall through with this other guy and he refuses to meet me because he is afraid that he will like me more than the other guy... and here I am beating myself up over him... like i do every other time with everyone else I meet... i really dont know what to do anymore... I just feel drained and exhausted...