Boyfriend issues

Your bf's behavior is highly controlling and unhealthy for both of you. I don't think you need to ditch him, but you do need to work through his issues. Ideally, you'd get couples counseling, but as you're only out to a few people, that might not work for you. Talk to him about his fears, learn what they are, understand them. At the same time, tell him how you feel about him, tell him after arguments that they're not bad enough to leave him.

But...if that doesn't work, you need to get out. Controlling behavior can lead to abuse, and that's not worth it at all.

 

what your boyfriend is like i was like with my ex... i didn't even notice till it was 2 late till he had cheated on me then dumped me (not saying you going to do this) i think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel and see if you guys can work though it don't let it get to far talk to him i may not even realise it just let him know what hes doing and how its making you feel
best of luck

 

Sounds more insecure than anything, I think he/you have to figure out a way to build up confidence in himself before he can have confidence in his relationships.

I'd let him know that you understand why he feels that way, but that he should try not to.

 

whoa major insecurity issues there. Definitely need to figure out a way to build up his confidence and you should work with him regarding these issues, (it would be the best if you could see a professional but I see how that might be hard considering your respective out statuses...still a professional counselor would be your best bet). however, if that doesn't work then, as Liam said, you need to leave this relationship. I understand you love him but a relationship where one person is insecure and exhibiting tendencies towards paranoia and controlling the other person is not only unhealthy, it can only end in a disaster.

 

This is unfortunate for you, and there really does seem to be some insecurity issues here. Since you love him and since he loves you, there is a chance to fix this problem. Based on the information that you've given, here's what I'd do:

This may be a little mentally stressful for you, but what you can do about his jealously concerning Facebook is show each and every one of your friend's profiles to him (I'm sure some will not display information to him if he checked himself - you must do it) and perhaps provide a short story on how you met each person or something along those lines. Obviously, it's the guys your boyfriend is worried about. Straight guy friends he won't find to be a threat, but the gay guy friends he will. Explain that you have no interest in dating these people and that he has nothing to worry about.

You could also let him know of your work and/or schooling schedule as well so that he knows where you are. Try not to hang out with gay guy friends without him being there. Also, as much as this seems rude, do try to give him the most attention when hanging out with friends.

Random text messages to let him know you're thinking of him won't hurt either. Since he is your boyfriend, try sending something once a day.



My idea behind this is to help reduce his fears and jealously. If he knows you're not cheating on him or anything of the sort and he knows you think of him constantly, he might not act the way you describe after a little while.

You MUST make it clear that you can't let him invade your privacy though, so set some boundaries in the future, but just keep being a good boyfriend. Letting him know what you're doing or where you are whenever asks won't be such a bad thing.

If he annoys or anger you, try not to react with sarcasm or anger. Just keep calm and respond with kindness. Eventually, he'll turn around.

Hope this helps.

 

I don't think I'm too different from you boyfriend actually. Perhaps I don't go that far, but I am very insecure about myself. I'm unattractive, and have a very passive personality. I don't even know why my boyfriend likes me. Hopefully it's not that he's desperate. But usually once in a while when I sense that somethink is wrong, I often blow it out of proportion. I just need some reassurrance that things are a okay every so often. Like other people have posted, send him a text once in a while, saying you miss him or something. Tell him that you love him, but don't ever use it or it'll lose it's meaning. I think he's just insecure at the moment, just as I am and needs you most. Once you can get over this process, you're relationship will be closer than ever.

 

I can understand a little bit where your boyfriend is coming from. I don't take things to the extreme that he does, I don't think, but I do get nervous sometimes. It is really hard getting back into the dating scene after being cheated on, especially if you didn't catch on to the fact that you were being cheated on for a long time. I was dating my ex for 3 years and he cheated on me with boys from craigslist the whole time we were together, and now that I'm dating my current girlfriend, I do sometimes worry. I don't think she would cheat on me, I trust her. That isn't so much the issue. It's just that it is hard to get past the idea that you didn't know and maybe you are missing something. It's hard to explain but it's really more of an insecurity in yourself than a lack of trust in the other person. I guess it's hard to get over the thought that you weren't enough for that other person, so maybe you won't be enough for this new person either. I've found that most people I've spoken with who have been cheated on share this mentality at least at some point in their dating relationships post being cheated on.

I would definitely suggest letting him know that you love him and you care about him and that you aren't going anywhere. Let him know where you stand morally as far as cheating goes so he can hear you say you aren't going to do that to him. That's really important, because like I said, it's often not a trust issue in you. It's the insecurity in themselves. I would also suggest to him that maybe he should go talk to a counselor to help him deal with the feelings he is having after being cheated on. He could do this without being out. He doesn't have to admit if he was cheated on by a guy. He could just say his ex without ever mentioning a gender or sex if that is a concern for him. Like someone else mentioned, couples counseling would be excellent for you two, but if that's not possible, counseling just for him might be another option.

Another thing I would suggest to prevent future tensions is to draw clear privacy lines as to what is acceptable for him to look at. If you don't want him in your e-mail, facebook, etc, make sure he knows that now. Let him know that it isn't an issue of hiding anything, it's just that each of you should be able to have their own private pages for these things. If you don't draw these clear lines and then later get upset if he looks at one of these things, it might make him suspicious, which is wrong, but quite possible, especially if he found out his ex was cheating through looking at something like that, like I did.

I know 100% for sure that it is possible for you to salvage this relationship if you and he are willing to work together to get through this insecurity that he is feeling. It sounds like you really want to, so I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this.

 

Flyme has the right idea. I'd say a talk is on order. You're going to need to do your best to put on your "adult face" and let him know what you're feeling as simply and factually as possible.

"First off, I'm your boyfriend. If I didn't like you, or didn't want to be your boyfriend, I wouldn't be - simple as that. I love you, and I want to be with you. But your behavior is getting more than a little irksome as of late. You're starting to act possessive and paranoid about me. Your comments on facebook, and your comments to (person), are starting to get out of hand. You seem to be looking for any sign that I'm about to jump ship, and that's not how I operate. If I think there's a problem, I'll come to you about it. In fact, that's what I'm doing right now. There's a problem, and I'm coming to you about it. I don't know what else I'm able to do to make you feel more secure with me. I want you to feel relaxed about our relationship, so let me know what I can do to give that reassurance."

Lex