today was the worst day. i had my grade 3 flute exam in the morning and it went so badly wrong, i messed up virtually all of my scales and arpeggios and i was breathing in all the wrong places and ruined my learnt pieces and I jave been working so hard on my singin and then i came in early and was utterly off pitch and I had practised it so much and i have on excuse for bieng so bad at my poeces cause it was just because i wasnt pracitcing enough and i could have so easily done more ,and the examiner was italian and he had a funny accent and all the musical terma are in italian so they must be really really good. i was actually shaking when I came out of the room. and recently we did some tests and i missed 3 marks on one and 2 on another theyre out of 60 or so and i could have got the last marks so easily and im stupid and it's stipid to be such a perfectionist and then that was during fird=st or second period and then in 3rd lesson we were watching a film about the bombin gof perl harbourand my granded was a solder at that time so ot could have been him there so I came out of class crying. but i couldn’t realy cry because evryone was watching and they would have all been like are you okay, hello im clearly just fucking awful and most of the time you lot treat me like shit bc i am clever and you coudnt care less bout me. and though noone outright bullies me for being bi they have just all changed slightly they make snide comments and pester me about who i fancyand act all lesbo near me to see how i recat. and my firends are not including me as much bit that was hapening anyway so that can’t be to do with my sexality can it? and I was meant to do a gifted and talrnted ady today but i couldn’t because of the fucking exam and I was going to co to dads houde tonite to have a cry after iceskating but mum was waiting in the car the whole time so i couldnt.so i went to the river and jst bawled and then there was this guy there walking his dog and i cod just feel him staring and on my way back there was this cat and i was going to stroke it but it ran away as soon as i reached and i know it is just a cat and ishouldn’t think anything of it but am i really that terrible? and now your all going to think i an really stipud to get so upset about such little things but it just all builds up and it is tha last week of term and my german exchange has barely left so i had 2 weeks with out any time for me and i can’t even type wright and i will fail in life and i don’t know how i will pass gcses and i want to run away frim home cause it sucks and my mother can’t understand me and in the car i told her so and now i’m scared that she will send me to a counsellor and i don’t need any fucking help but im terrified that i will start cutting myyself cause when i went to the river i wnt barefoot and the pain from the rocks and nettles was so much nicer and easier than pain inside. sorry. i just needed a place to vent.
I know how you feel, when everything builds up like that it can make you feel really awful. Whatever happens at school just remember you won't be there forever, and generally the people who have the worst time at school do the best in the future I don't know if you've heard of it already, but you should look up the itgetsbetterproject, there are loads of helpful people out there and some of those videos (even though they make me cry) make me feel so much better. I'd recommend the google, pixar and apple employees ones, you can find them on the website if you google it, or on youtube. My friends were really offish with me when I came out, and then got even more pissed off with me when I suggested it was because of that. It's a long story, but now I have new friends who are great. I'm not really close to them yet, I'm slowly making progress. When I think of how I felt even just a few weeks ago it was shit. I wouldn't have guessed I'd feel as better as I do now, so hold on and try to branch out from your friends as much as possible. Start being more friendly with people you don't usually speak to and you might find someone great if your friends don't care about you then they're not worth it. Keep thinking - once you sit this out, you're life can be amazing (*hug*) (and congratulations on being at grade 3 at your age! I recently did my grade 3 trumpet exam and thought I completely messed it up - it turned out I got a merit, so you don't know what might happen but whatever you get it's not the end of the world )
Thanks, guys! (*hug*) Just looked at the Apple employees video, than-you for pointing it out. *tears up*
Liiizz (*hug*) sorry you had such a bad day earlier I have shit days too, but it DOES get better. Luckily I have a good group of friends, but trust me, there are people out there who will accept you for who you are, everyone on EC does And like mk139 said, sometimes you think you've done really poorly when you've actually done pretty well. Anyway, 2 or 3 marks on a test is no big deal (I'm also a perfectionist). Maybe you could get Skype so you could chat with Ellie and Matt (Shade) and me (you don't have to have a webcam) It really helps to talk to people who understand you, and we have a lot of fun Hope you feel better soon Liz ~MiA (I apologize for the overuse of smileys)
