I apologize in advance for any offenses. I've known I was gay for about 2 years now. I just wish it wasn't true. I hate that my sexuality is a joke to most people, Including my family and friends. It seems that most of the people I know and love dislike or look down upon gay people and I'm expected to accept that if they believe that they're not my real friends. I hate that the few people I have told think of me differently. I hate the gay stereotype. I hate sexuality in general, But I keep fantasizing about men, Then feel disgusted with myself after. I hate that just by being gay I hurt people. I hate that I'm submissive. I hate all the shame that comes along with it. I hate myself. I am jealous of people who are comfortable with themselves and it brings me to despise them. I'm sad all the time, Just because of something as petty as myself. Sometimes I describe myself as asexual and romantically gay, only to be fantasizing again about men again. I wish it were simpler. I hate myself for hating things like pride parades. I don't really relate to most gay people I meet and I hate how uncomfortable gay people make me feel. I'm sorry if it's not all in order. Again, I apologize, I don't want to offend any one.
its not offensive, the reality of the situation is that coming out starts with coming out to yourself, and learning to find your own place in the gay community, coming to terms, and learning to love yourself. the more comfortable you become with who are you and the feelings that you have, the less those things will bother you, until then, enjoy porn
I really think you should look at this: PFLAG Canada is there when it seems no-one else is. It is a PDF about being gay and struggling with being gay, so click on it and it will download. Mods I hope this is okay to post a PDF Personal anger is a definitely normal thing, we go through the 5 stages of grief ourselves when we come out, just as when our parents or friends perhaps find out we're gay. Definitely take a look at it. I hope it'll help. I know it's PFLAG Canada's website, but I often find the USA site a bit confusing to find this same info.
If I haven't hit you up yet, welcome to EC! What you're going through isn't uncommon, especially to people in your position. Where being gay is frowned upon. Where early attempts to come out are met with confusion and distancing. And what happens is a combination of wishing they'd get with the program ("why can't they just accept me?"), and some agreement/justification ("well, it makes sense to hate those other gay people, but I'm not like them, so they'll like ME if they gave me a chance"). That second half is, to put it simply, you attempting to deflect the scorn/confusion/hatred sent towards gays onto those who "deserve it", thus keeping it off of you. But it sounds like you're aware of the issue. That the problem lies not with "those gays" but with your misconceptions. Best bet? Hang out here some more. Get to know more gay folks. As you get to know more, other gay folks will cease being "them" and more be "us". And you'll find that hate receding. Lex
