I've been lurking around here for a while now, and I want to start by saying that this board is an amazing resource with so many great people. A lot of you have already helped me without even knowing it--so thank you. This might be a bit long--I'm sorry--I'll try to keep it manageable. The main point: I think I might be gay. I'm 25, and like some others around here, I feel like I'm addressing these issues a little late in life. I've always dated and been attracted to guys (only two serious boyfriends), and I've slept with a lot of them. I've never even kissed a girl. This past year, I thought seriously for the first time that I might be gay after I began fantasizing about being with a woman (which really turned me on). The thought of being gay gave me my first and only ever panic attack. I then buried the thought. I don't mean to disrespect anyone here, but I really (and I mean REALLY) did not want to be gay. The thought of being gay made me feel like my life was over. Melodramatic, yes, I'll admit. But I just didn't want my life to change. I didn't want to be a "lesbian." I didn't want my sexuality to suddenly identify me--I didn't want to be "the gay one." I didn't want to lose some of my civil rights. I didn't want to go to gay bars. I didn't want my relationships with my friends and family to change. I didn't want people to think of me differently... I could continue on and on with the "cons" and not add a single "pro." I think (or please suggest any other ideas) that my deeply held fear of being gay (read: homophobia, if you will) is what kept this buried until I was 25. Looking back, it makes perfect sense that I'd grow up to be gay: I refused to wear dresses and play with dolls, I played football with the boys, I'm awesome with power tools (yes, stereotypically laughable), but mostly, I've always felt that I've been different from other girls. More than that, even though I'm a pretty self-aware person, I've always felt like I never really knew myself--never really knew who I was--and was waiting to discover something. I don't know if that makes any sense. More so, I never ever could picture myself marrying a guy. The idea of being married was never clear to me. It seemed awkward, like it wasn't for me--that that script just didn't fit for me. I have always said that I'd never get married. But when I first considered marrying a woman, however, it seemed to click--to make perfect sense. It sounds corny to say, but my future came into focus. I could picture that life, that family. (I won't even get started into the irony of this paragraph.) Recently, I've come to think that my hooking up with a lot of guys was a way to "prove" to myself that I wasn't gay. By hooking up with dudes, I'd be able to definitively say to myself, "You're not gay, you just had sex with a guy." (Wow, now that I just typed that out, it sounds like a pretty damn pathetic case of denial.) So, why do I think I'm gay? I've begun to consider that perhaps my fantasies about women aren't just a phase. (Prior, I'd been telling myself that fantasizing about women isn't gay.) For the last month, I've been exclusively thinking about and fantasizing about women. And now, I really, really have a super strong desire to kiss a girl. When I go out, I've started to notice girls more than guys, and I've started looking at pictures of women. I don't really notice guys anymore. I tried to summarize this long story with an ultimate question, but I guess I don't have just one. I suppose I'd like any advice anyone can give me about figuring this out. And if you've suffered through this story, thank you for reading. You're likely already one of the many posters I've already read, and who've already helped me a lot. And for that, again, I thank you. After finding this site, I don't feel so alone anymore. I guess that's one "pro" I can add to the list.
i suggest maybe you can try to date with girls and if you like the feeling more, you should do the things(being with girls) you like and make yourself happy hope you can find a satisfying answer
It isn't unusual for people to discover that they're LGBT later in life. You might be bisexual, or you might be a total lesbian, and that's totally alright. Like Albertal said, you won't know if you don't explore a little bit, so just go for it but honestly, don't worry about it too much. Do what you like with whomever pleases you at a pace you're comfortable with.
Hey there - welcome! I'm 27 and trying to figure my stuff out too haha. I think in my case it's been a long case of denial...I knew what was going on when I was like 13 or 14. Have you crushed on girls? Do you find yourself sexually attracted to them, or moreso to guys? Do you feel satisfied sexually and emotionally with your boyfriend? I have to say, throughout my experience in life, I just don't get turned on by guys. I crush on and get turned on by girls. Not all girls, and I've crushed on a couple guys, but the overall rule is girls for me, and has been my whole life (even if I didn't want to admit it until last year). I mean, I can look back and remember all the crushes I've had on girls. My mind likes to sweep that under the rug, but it's still there. I am just asking you to see where this is coming from in your case, because fantasizing about women doesn't automatically make you a lesbian. Don't freak out. It may be a phase, or you might be bisexual. But it's good you're here and talking about it. Maybe others will have better advice, there are some great folks here!
Like many people have said, coming to terms with your sexuality is a process that can take many, many years. There is no specific timeframe that we all have to go by when figuring out ourselves. Therefore, I wouldn't say you're late to the party at all. I would just take further steps to figuring this out, such as dating a few girls, or just taking time away to really think about and examine what's going on. But most importantly, give it some time. I know it's a worn cliche, but, better late than never!
Not wanting to be gay is pretty common among people who start to realize that they might be anything other than straight. Give yourself time to think, there's nothing wrong with taking some time to figure it out. If you decide that you like girls and only girls or both guys and girls, great. If you decide you only like guys, great. Point is, whatever you discover, you are still you.
Hey! Well, first off, my story is kinda like yours. I have always dated girls, and even had sex a few times. I've Checked out girls with my guy friends, flirted with girls, I've even looked at 'inapropriate' pictures of women online. However, through all this, it always felt lacking too me. So I decided to kiss a boy. So I went to a football game with my friend and there was a bisexual guy there. We talked, I whispered to him, we walked around the corner and boom. Best. Kiss. Evar! Now, the difference is that being a gay boy feels wrong too me. No offense!!! But I just really start to view my body as ugly and stuff ect. ect. That's not important. What IS important is that there is NOTHING wrong with a little experiment!! you might actually have fun, you might actually enjoy it. Or you won't. But that's the fun of experimenting. You don't HAVE to be a lesbian to kiss a girl. Just because you don't wear dresses doesn't make you lesbian either. I play soccer, video games and do guy things. I'm also joining the Marine Corp. On the other hand I play dress up with my girl friends, wear make up when I can, and do girly things. I enjoy both! But powertools and not wearing dresses or playing with dolls is gender neutral and shouldn't be the KEY reason you become a lesbian. I know a girl who will never touch a dress, except on her wedding. My aunt! An she is far far far from being gay. She works with cars, wears the bare minimum of makeup (rarely puts on lipstick or anything), shoots guns, and used to play and watches football. But she is straight. It's not about what you DO, it's about who you ARE. there is no shame in experimenting with another woman. I hope you get ou there and go find who you are! Good luck and lots of love! Ian
Haha I just had to comment on this. This is one of the things that happened to me too! When I was younger I told my mom that I did not want to get married. I didn't want to get married because I could not imagine myself living the rest of my life with a man and being happy. Now that I know I am gay I DO want to get married, but because I know I will get married to a woman and not a man. Don't worry a lot of people don't want to be gay at the beginning. I was really afraid when I started to figure out that I was gay, it was just a really scary concept to me at the time. However as many many many people say, it gets better. It really does. Now I can actually say I LIKE being gay. I like all the people I have met through being gay, and I love the LGBT community. It has also made me a stronger person - being gay. You also should not worry about what happened in the past. Sure you may have dated boys in the past, but what are you feeling NOW? You seem to be starting to figure yourself out pretty well. The one question that helped me when i was figuring myself out was I asked myself who I wanted to be with and live with for the rest of my life? My answer to this question turned out to be a woman. Good luck with everything!
Thanks for all the replies. Although it was a really long initial post, I think it was good to write it all out. I'm sure I need to be patient with myself and realize that this process takes time to figure out. In response to coastgirl: Yes, I have had crushes on girls, although at the time, I just felt "weird." My first one was in college, and it got to the point where I tried to talk to a friend about my "weird" feelings because I just couldn't understand why I was feeling this way about a girl. And I have a major crush on this girl right now... which is also why I'm questioning all this stuff. Except this girl is straight, so there's obviously nothing that's going to happen there. And with all my previous boyfriends, things would always be good at the beginning, and then as time went on, I'd start to feel uncomfortable--like my role wasn't the one that was fitting me, if that makes sense. In short, I'm working a lot of things out in my head, but I really appreciate the kind words and shared stories. It all really helps.
I wouldn't rush to automatically label myself just yet if I were you. It's taken me years to deal with my sexuality, and I am just now starting to feel okay with it at the age of 26. I dated men previously, too. I didn't want to be gay at first either. It scared me so much when I realized that I wasn't merely bisexual at age 19 that I attempted suicide and subsequently spent the next seven years in deep denial. Like the others said, go slow and work through it. Maybe try experimenting with girls? You might be surprised at how you feel then.
Thanks for the advice, LemonCake. I'm definitely not in any rush to tell anyone yet, I'm just trying to wrap my head around it all. And as far as experimenting with girls, I'd like to, but I have no idea how or where to go or what to say or what to do. That sounds so lame and immature, but I really have no clue what to do.
You can always try a lesbian bar or something. (might want to find out where one is.) if you want to experiment with girls. But if your sexual desires lean towards women by a whole league then you really need to satisfy these desires. It's very unhealthy, as ANYONE will say over again, to bottle up feelings. Don't be scared, it's alright to be gay. In the end we're all humans and the people who hate you for it can go screw themselves. Surround yourself with friends who support you. Anyone who doesn't doesn't deserve your friendship. In the end it comes down to ou happyness. At the present, are you happy? Will you be happy with a girl? It's up to you, but I and the others here will always be behind you. (*hug*) good luck and lots of love, Ian
beebs12 - you could try online dating I suppose. I haven't even been with a girl yet myself so I wouldn't know anything either unfortunately. And LovexGinger is right... It's unhealthy to deny your own feelings. I did that for years and it made me so miserable and numb that I got no enjoyment out of life at all. I feel like its a big weight off my shoulders just to simply accept my homosexuality now.
I could have written a lot of your post myself. I'm 26 and English, and don't have a problem with the concept of myself being gay, but otherwise... yeah. I'm pretty stuck at the moment as to what to do about it all. I do know that I'd be very keen to be with a woman but I don't want to be some 'experimenting' idiot and trample on any potential feelings of any potential partner. I'm pretty certain that I would like sleeping with a girl (very much potentially more than with a boy), and I've definitely fallen for girls in the past, but who knows? Plus I'm unlikely to be in one place for long any time soon so not really up for serious relationshippage. I'm hardly one to give advice, but I'd give yourself time to get used to the range of your sexual and romantic attractions. Who knows, you might meet someone of whatever sex/gender and fall in love with each other so much that it won't matter so much what your orientation's label is, you'll be Beebs-who-loves-X and the rest will be of very much secondary importance.
wow . . . i could have written a lot of this post myself, too. i'm 30, only ever dated or slept with guys, but have a serious crush on a girl right now (which is definitely not going anywhere - very long story). thinking back i can see i definitely had crushes on other girls, but i always told myself they were just platonic crushes. now i'm not really that sure. i've always been kind of uncomfortable about sex in general, but lately somehow the thought of being with a woman feels okay in a way that being with a man doesn't. or maybe it's just her, i don't really know. i'm trying not to rush to label, but at the same time, i kind of want to explore this side of myself. i've been single a long time, and i kind of wonder if maybe it's because i was just barking up the wrong tree before, so to speak
Hey welcome to EC, my story is similar although I have never been or dated a guy, but thats not because I always knew I was gay, its because I was really shy and stuff when I was younger. Dont worry about getting to this point later than some people, it can be tough enough to deal with without beating yourself up about it. You dont want to be gay, I can relate to that I dont think it is a life ambition for many people, but the more you figure it out and try it on for size and become more comfortable with the idea the less hell-ish it becomes, I know it doesnt seem like it yet but it will. I can also say that you dont have to go to gay bars, you can but you dont have to, and your relationships with friends and family dont have to change. I think one of the biggest things I have learnt is that being gay doesnt have to own you, its not a cult you dont have to be or act in a particular way you dont have to drop all of your straight friends or current hobbies and suddenly adopt a 'gay' lifestyle, there is no such thing your life is what you make it, gay or straight.
Thanks for all the advice and all the support. You guys are great. It's nice to have somewhere to talk about this, because I still don't feel like there's one truly safe person I can tell yet. I'm working on it, though. Again, I really appreciate all the love. Thanks.
Like you, I'm 25.... I feel I've wasted enuf time! For ten years I've tried relationships with guys, but the chemistry I felt for them was always tepid, artificial - almost intellectual. In any case, NOTHING on the delicious energy that pervades my whole being when I encounter a woman I admire. I've always told myself, "Its just a phase... I'm just open-minded and experimenting, which is fine and cool... but I'm gonna end up normal and hetero and marry the biological father of my kids and that's final." But how long can one experiment and still hold out on the obvious conclusions? I've spent the last year in India, and time away from London, my social group and family has done phenomenal things for my self-understanding. So that I have recently started to actually accept myself for who I am - a woman who is very much attracted to women. And the subsequent release of confused and repressed sexual energy has been insane... It's so weird, even straight girls can sense it and they often hit on me, which confuses them!!! I believe it's my natural energies going a bit wild, making up for all the years I've blocked them with externally-prescribed beliefs about who/what I am, what constitutes "natural," what the future holds. Now I realise there is no guessing with whom or what I will end up falling in love tomorrow/the day after/in 10 years. It no longer matters to me. The important thing is always to be true to yourself in the present, i.e. don't let anyone else's ideas define you. Don't force yourself to be this or that; let yourself flow into what you really are... Good luck
I'm going to answer your statement about being 26 and feeling like your questioning too late in life by paraphrasing a line from Monty Python And The Holy Grail: "You're 26, you're not old!"
