I know I am gay, no doubt about that. I know ill never change and i'm fine with that ... Little rant first sorry When I was around 12-13 I realised I was gay and went into a deep depression and felt severe suicidal thoughts, however I managed to get over this and obviously not do it. My parents know and they're fine with it, my close friends know and no-one has changed about it. I should be quite happy? Sadly I am not, I am quite fearful that i'm feeling similar depressive thoughts that I did when I was at the young age. I am 18 now and I don't know whether I just feel lonely or i'm tired or being played (I've spoken to a few guys who seemed interested in me, yet revealed after I met them they had a girlfriend or boyfriend and basically wanted to cheat on them with me... yeaaah) And with my studies finished for the year I don't really have anything to distract myself from this, can anyone offer any advice? Sorry if this seems really pathetic haha x
Welcome to EC! I don't know much about depression so if others contradict what I'm saying they may well be right. I suspect that part of the problem is, as you have highlighted yourself, that you have nothing to distract yourself from the gay issue now you have finished at school/college. Not that a constant distraction is really a good idea as things need to be addressed, but it shouldn't be the sole focus of your thoughts either. I wonder whether you went through the motions before but didn't really deal with the issue? Did you have treatment and counselling for the depression or did you just deal with it yourself? If you had treatment did you feel that it really helped or did it just mask the issue and let you get on with the other distractions? At 18 you are right at the age range that many gay guys, especially those older than you, will find very attractive. As you've already realised though, many of them will not be looking for any more than a bit of "fun". Do you know many gay people around your own age range? Are there any gay social groups or youth groups in your area? Being lonely and feeling alone could well be what is making the negative thoughts return. It can be more difficult to find friends when we are gay as our options are much more limited (in some areas they are non-existent). I think if you can get some sort of gay social life or gay friends around your own age that may help you feel less alone. PS - it's not at all pathetic!
Welcome to EC! You might want to give a bit of thought as to whether your sexuality is actually causing your slump, or if it's a convenient thing to hang it on. It may be that you're more generically depressed - something to mull over. But the best thing to do is get proactive. Is there a gay youth group nearby? Any place where you can go and meet other gay folks? You might hold off on the boyfriend/sex part for the time being, and just work on expanding the social circle first. You'll probably be less likely to fall into the trap of dating/hooking up with somebody who is unsuitable in the long run. Lex
I got over it myself, I spoke to a councellor once but he basically wanted me to tell everyone I was gay and expect a parade done in my honor so I stopped going to him. I dealt with the issue at the time with the fear of being thrown out and rejected by my parents and they're supportive now. There are no social clubs or youth groups that I know off, but I do know some gay peers in my college but its a little hard to go up to them and start being friendly (Although I did meet one at a gay club once haha) I don't know, it just feels like i'm heading down that path again and its quite scary. I almost feel like I have to go to a doctor ... gah! Haha
Ok lets see first off never think of a permanent solution to what is a temporary problem. Things do get better in time and you need to remember you won this fight before. Now as for being lonely I can get that, we all feel that way from time to time. However what in particular has you feeling lonely? As for being played well I have been there and rather recently though in a different manner. Its not easy to find the right person or even someone you can date for an extended period of time. However you need to have faith that that person IS out there. What might help is to have a list real or in your head of traits you want in a boyfriend and use that to weed out these jerks that have been mistreating you.
This story is makes me sad because you seem to have things pretty well figured out (much more then most people you're age do gay or not). You need to ask youself why do you feel sad? If you are lonely. If you are feeling like there no decent guys out there. It actually natural to feel down from time to time, when things suck you feel bad. The bad times don't last forever, but unfortunately they also come back. Enjoy the good times and weather the bad.
