Hi, this is my first thread here on EC, and i just wanted to post how i have been feeling for awhile now and get some feedback from other people who have been in my situation, cause i feel like im alone and the only one in this situation. Since i was young i've been curious about the same sex, i remember when i was 9-10 i played around with a friend at my house (naked touching, nothing like sex) i didn't even know what sex was, but i knew i was interested about this friend in a different way than other friends. We only did this a couple times before i started realizing i was supposed to be interested in girls and boys aren't supposed to like boys. fast forward a few years to the middle/end of elementary school, while other boys would talk about the girls they liked or found pretty i didn't seem as concerned as they were, i thought it was normal and that i just didn't find the girls at my school attractive, i thought i would grow into liking girls in the next couple of years. which did happen to a point, i really only ever wanted to kiss the girls i felt attracted too, i never thought about sex, i thought that was something i would want to do in high-school when i was older. fast forward a few more years, now i was going into high-school. During the beginning of high school i was in complete denial about my sexual attraction towards guys and the gay fantasies i had, i thought it was just because i was a horny teenager and found the thought of sex arousing. i found some girls attractive but only the really hot ones and even then i only ever fantasized about making out with them, i never wanted to sleep with just any girl through high school, i wanted to wait for the right person who i was really attracted to and really liked. but as i went through high school i never met any girls i had these feelings for. during the beginning of high school i would fantasize about sleeping with a hot girl and having sex but i always had gay fantasizes as well. as i went thought high school (Gr.10-11) i found myself having a lot more gay thoughts and looking at gay porn. I told myself it was a phase and i thought it would pass over time, towards the end of high school these feeling and thoughts had grown stronger and i became more curious about men and what it would be like to have sex with a guy, i never spoke a word about my feelings to anyone because i wasn't sure what they meant and if they would disappear, so i didn't want to say anything and be embarrassed. After high school i took a year off before going to college. over this time i kept all of my feelings hidden deep down and didn't do much besides work and hangout with friends. When it was time to go to college i ended up living with one of my best friends that I've known since i was 6. so there was no way i was going to be experimenting with guys at our house because i didn't want my best friend to know my dark secret. When i was at college i started realizing i was attracted to men for real, because i would see a cute guy and think to myself, Wow! he's hot or he's cute, and when i would see a hot girl i would just think to myself, yes she's hot but im not that attracted to her, i wasn't getting that weak at the knees feeling. During college i went from watching mostly gay porn to just gay porn and if i ever fantasized it was about being with another guy. When i started this realization that i was bi or gay it scared me because i didn't know how to process these feelings or emotions, i mean I've never even met another gay person, how would my friends & family react if they knew this about me, would their views towards me change? i hope not. Since the Beginning of Sept (10 months ago) I have been depressed about these feelings and sometimes i find it so hard to deal with all of this by myself. i was so affected by the depression that i didn't really want to go to school anymore, or really try at anything. I ended up failing my second year of college because of my depression, and the worst part is that i had to lie to my parents and tell them that i just lost interest in my courses and stopped doing the assignments and thats why i failed, i hate that i can't tell them what im really struggling with and have been for so many years now. So now im off for the summer and living at my mom's house with my brother and his girlfriend. I have definitely become less interested in girls over the last year but im still trying to understand my feelings and try to stop being in denial about my thoughts. it's really hard to come out to yourself when you have no self confidence an no one really knows how you feel or what your going through. So now im 20 years old, i've never been in a real relationship (1 girlfriend in Gr.11 for a month but never did anything). Now i just want to start reaching out to my close friends and try and talk to someone about this, but im scared and don't know who to talk to. It's getting pretty depressing just bottling up all these feelings my whole life and not being able to talk to anyone. I want to be comfortable with myself and be in a relationship with a guy but i feel like im so far away from that point in my life. Sorry this post is so long but it feels so good to get it off my chest and out there for someone else to read. if anyone has been through similar problems or has any advice i would really appreciate any help. Thanks.:icon_wink
I can relate to a lot of what you've gone through, especially about never really developing feelings of sexual attraction to women, but I don't think I've ever really been in the closet, I'm just too obviously gay, lol but i would try and pick the most trustworthy and gay friendly friend you have and just kind of bring up the topic of gay people, and see how they feel about it, if its positive, then you know you can come out to that person and get onto the road of coming out with some support.
Hey, welcome to EC I know it's hard, but it gets better and you're not the only one who's felt this way. I was deeply in denial about my attraction to guys up until my second year of college, last year. I fell for a guy and finally realized that I could no longer deny it, even though I kept trying. I went though a period of depression, trying to accept myself and resolve religious issues. I've finally accepted myself and started being more open about it. What helped the most for me was telling someone, some close friends who I knew would be supportive. It still took a while but I realized that it felt so much better to be able to be myself and talk about what I'd been going though with people that knew and were completely fine with it.
i have a friend and i do not know if he knows but i feel like i can tell him. he says stuff like, "not that there's anything wrong with being gay" or he mentions that guys have hit on him and he is not offended just wished more chicks would like him. lol. i think he is safe to come out to. i think he knows. when i'm more confident in myself and at peace with myself maybe i will be able to come out to him first.
I can relate to much of what you've said. I can't speak much about the relief of coming out to others, but just coming out to yourself feels amazing. You free yourself from the guilt of feeling what is only natural to you. It might sound weird, but one thing that helped me come to terms with it was saying aloud "I'm gay."
Hi and welcome to EC! I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who has felt that way, my experience is extremely similar to yours. During my teens I could never explain the attraction I felt for guys, I didn't even bother acknowledging it. I always thought liking guys was only a phase, that my attraction towards girls would increase as I grew up and that eventually the girl of my dreams would show up. I even had crushes on some girls. It wasn't until I was 20 that I finally came out to myself and accepted the fact I liked guys. I was very depressed, confused and I hate myself for liking guys at that time. I thought I was the only one who felt that way, that I was not normal. Luckily I found this website. It helped me realized I was not the only one feeling this way, that I was normal, and that there is no reason to hate myself. Reading other people's posts and stories and posting questions helped me a lot. Hopefully it will help you too. I would recommend you talking to a counselor to help you with your depression, they are very helpful. Your college probably has free or inexpensive counselors or a GLBT support group. They are very helpful and they won’t judge you. Talking to one helped me a lot, and today I'm in a much better shape than I was 2 years ago. Good luck ~Charlie
