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Coming out to college room mate? How and when?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Foxywolf, Jul 20, 2011.

  1. Foxywolf

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    I am going to college in the fall and I was just worried about the whole room mate thing.

    I was wondering if I should come out to my room mate early or later and how?

    Like should I come out before I meet her, so that I could easily change if she is a homophobe? (suggested by the youth leader of my gay alliance) -the problem with this is that she might just see me as gay and nothing else-

    Or should I come out to her near the beginning of the school year?

    Or should I come out to her only once I get to know her a bit?

    And how should I do it? Should i just mention it nonchalantly, or should I tell her by saying something like, "By the way I am gay, and I hope it doesn't bother you."

    So any advice?
     
  2. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    This is the crux of the issue from my perspective (especially the first part). Do you have your sexuality listed on Facebook? If so, an easy way to do this would be to friend request your roommate on Facebook before moving in (assuming she is on there, too). Get a conversation going, such as about what each of you will bring, sleeping hours, and other such college-y things, and she'll probably look at your profile at some point. Then she'll see it, and you'll have your answer early enough to change your living situation if she is a homophobe.

    However, here's the other thing that influences my thinking on this issue: knowing someone who is gay is one of the best ways to sway a homophobe's mind and make them more tolerant. As such, if you put off coming out to your roommate until she has gotten to know you better and can see you more as a person and less as a lesbian, you might change her ways of thinking if she is, indeed, a homophobe. And if she isn't? Then nothing to worry about.

    As for how to do it, my preferred method is to act as if the person I want to come out to already knows I'm gay. That way, I never feel pressured to bring it up when it isn't relevant (which could make things awkward), and I can let the person know in a very natural, nonchalant way when it is relevant to the conversation. People often take their cues from others when they don't know how to handle something, so if she's unsure how she feels about lesbians and you treat it like it's no big deal, she might do likewise.

    Of course, I'm comfortable making this my preferred method because I live in a liberal area, and I'm out on Facebook, so the chance of the person actually already knowing is pretty high. Plus, I'm a confident person, and even if someone is homophobic, confidence is a good harassment repellant. If those aren't true for you, the acting-like-they-already-know method might not be the best for you.
     
  3. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    I would go with letting her know right from the beginning. You can either do it casually like Gamer suggested or you can tell her more directly. Whichever you feel more comfortable with.

    The one thing that I want to emphasize is that you don't have to be the one that moves. If your roomate is uncomfortable with you then that's her problem and not yours. Let her go through the hassle of changing rooms :slight_smile:

    And yes, you might miss the chance of educating someone about it all, but, honestly, if you don't want to go through that you don't have to.
     
  4. Foxywolf

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    Thanks guys, Yea gamer in college I do actually plan to use the 'act like they already know' tactic when coming out to most people. That seems like the best way. But since this is my room mate I am talking about I wanted to get your guys advice before I decided anything.

    On my facebook I decided to take away my interested in thing so only certain people can see that it says women, I just felt like I wanted to know who knew I was gay for now. Maybe I'll make it visible to everyone eventually. But I do have one picture of me at gay prom on facebook. That is actually how my sister found out that i was gay. (If my room mate stalks my pictures she is sure to see this one sooo...)

    Hmm, maybe it is best to come out right at the beginning, the only problem with that is that I don't want her to see me as just GAY because she won't really know me at that point.

    I don't even know who she is at this point, I find out at the beginning of august. I will probably facebook stalk her and check to see if she seems to be a pretty liberal person. I will have to feel her out before I have the courage to do anything.

    Now as I wright this I am thinking more and more that it would be a good Idea to come out early. It would ease some tension and she will probably figure out for herself by stalking my pictures. Thanks for the advice guys.

    Yeah and gamer, it really is true that homophobes can really change their views once they know a gay person.
     
  5. dl72

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    I agree.