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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 21st Jul 2011, 04:04 PM   #1
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Default Fearing gaydar?

As one of the many people who have concerns about coming out , the last thing i need is people being able to confirm my confused sexual identity.

On a 3 week trip i have just comeback on, on a whim i told a few people i may have an interest in other guys as well as girls. this was the first time i had told anyone. one of the guys i told was already a semi-out gay guy (basiclly the only people he hadn't told was his family). later when i asked him for advice about my confused self he said he had suspected somthing was up.
WHAT? How? As far as i know I do not fit any steryotype that suround the lgbt community. i like to think if anything i blend into crouds. the last thing i need are people determing that I have feelings for both sexes when I want to be invisible more than ever
In short, How do people determin these things?
what can i do to make sure this dosnt happen?
AM i just being paranoid and rediculous? (if so than i apalogize fo this post)
thank you
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Old 21st Jul 2011, 04:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

I wouldn't worry too much, they may have seen you looking at a gay a bit differently than you usually do. Or picked up on something else like long time without a girlfriend. I was the same when I told my friends (I'm quite straight acting ive been told, not fitting the sterotpye) and they said they knew for ages. It may be small details that if someone is looking for it can see it in those actions. Sorry if that was useless :P
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Old 21st Jul 2011, 04:27 PM   #3
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

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Originally Posted by paper person View Post
later when i asked him for advice about my confused self he said he had suspected somthing was up.
WHAT? How? As far as i know I do not fit any steryotype that suround the lgbt community.
You are not being paranoid. I've just come out to a gay friend today, and, very much to my surprise, he already knew it. I haven't been actively hiding my sexuality, but I don't think I have any evident mannerisms either, so I was caught by surprise. Those gaydars are magical.

Anyway, I think that it's a matter of respect not to confront anyone you think is gay. Hopefully, your friends will understand that. It's interesting to notice that the person in your story didn't say anything to you until you came to him asking for advice.
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Old 21st Jul 2011, 04:28 PM   #4
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

I wouldn't worry about it. Even though you don't fit the stereotype some people may suspect you but, what you have to remember is that unless you tell them, they have no way of knowing.

As for people who claim to have "gaydar" ignore them. There's no such thing.
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Old 21st Jul 2011, 04:37 PM   #5
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

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As for people who claim to have "gaydar" ignore them. There's no such thing.
Why do you think so? People obviously can't paranormally sense whether someone else is gay, but it does make sense to me that gay people should be more sensible to certain subtle signs than straight people.
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Old 21st Jul 2011, 05:01 PM   #6
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClarity View Post
As for people who claim to have "gaydar" ignore them. There's no such thing.
Why do you think so? People obviously can't paranormally sense whether someone else is gay, but it does make sense to me that gay people should be more sensible to certain subtle signs than straight people.
To answer your question I feel you can't really tell what people are like until you talk to them. They may be showing subtle signs that indicate that they may be gay but you are probably interpreting the signs with what you percieve is gay. Two people could show the same signs but one might not be gay. What I'm trying to say is the reason why I reject the idea of a "gaydar" is because people are far too complex. The only way you can find out is if you ask the person.
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Old 21st Jul 2011, 10:40 PM   #7
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

When someone trips my "gaydar" with some of those subtle signs, I just take note to explore that further. It's not like I can tell a lesbian in the dark at 500 paces. And we have to develop gaydar, or we would never be able to find other people to date!
What i think a lot of people call gaydar is a learned ability (straight people can have gaydar too!) to recognize certain cultural signifiers. Some people trigger obvious stereotypes (short-nailed woman with a crew cut and a "born this way" tattoo straddling a Harley?) causing you to look further, but some are harder to quantify like body language, mannerisms, a certain way of speaking..
These characteristics aren't intrinsic. We might acquire them in childhood by identifying with the other gender (femme guys, butch girls)... we might also pick them up from the community, to show ourselves as part of it.
All these things are shaped by cultural and gender norms, and so is our ability to recognize them, even if it comes so easily that it feels like intuition. My gaydar would probably malfunction in Shanghai, but send me to Austin and the story is different. :P
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Old 22nd Jul 2011, 01:23 AM   #8
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

Sometimes you just give off that vibe. You don't have to dress in pink and talk with a lisp for people to know. Sometimes you just give off subtle clues. Like you said, he was just suspscious. It's almost impossible to keep it completely under wraps, especially since you're confused. And consider some people just always speculate, even on people that are straight as an arrow.

I wouldn't worry about it. Nothing you can really do about it anyway. The more you worry and think about it, the more attention you'll bring to it.
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Old 22nd Jul 2011, 02:31 AM   #9
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

It's difficult to describe, but gaydar is real. I have a friend in his 40s who I and my friends refer to as the "gaydar Jedi." He's totally straight, but his accuracy at picking out closeted gay guys is 100%... and in some cases he's picked them out 6 or 7 years before they came out of the closet.

There's also a game that my friends and I jokingly play called "Find the Hidden Fairy" which, just as it sounds, consists of picking out guys among people we know or are acquainted with who are likely gay and closeted (or just gay.) The jury is still out on some of them, but our accuracy rate is pretty good also.

And before you ask... quite a few of these guys exhibit no obvious indicators whatsoever of being gay. I don't know how to describe it exactly except to say that, if your gaydar is well tuned, you can generally tell with a pretty high degree of accuracy, even with the uber masculine and jock types.

So no, there's nothing you can do to hide yourself any better than you already are... and quite a few people are floored to discover, when they finally came out, that a huge portion of their friends (and, often, their family) already knew or suspected.

The good news is, most people are respectful enough not to confront you about it and will wait until you're ready to tell them.
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Old 22nd Jul 2011, 06:26 PM   #10
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

Well i understand now that there is probably nothing i can do to hide from gaydar radar.
however now im slighly more frightened. What do u mean you guys have a game? Thats excatly what I'm uncomfortable with. if there are people who dont even know who i am that can spot my not heterosexuality out, what about people im close too? i know you said that they would probably not confront me about it, but i still dont want people guessing in the first place. the last thinf i need to do is try to figure out if those closest to me suspect or not.
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Old 23rd Jul 2011, 01:27 AM   #11
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

I seriously wouldn't worry about it, as everyone has said those who suspect will more than likely be respectful enough not to ask you. Seriously try to worry, I know it's easier said than done, but you'll worry even more from worrying in the first place. Just trust the people close to you to be respectful. It may well be for the odd one of them that might have a gaydar and suspect, that most of the rest of them are oblivious... So try not to worry :-)

---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2011 at 09:28 AM ----------

And don't worry I've felt exactly the same, but I just trust that people will be kind enough not to say anything unless I give them some kind of sign that I am comfortable talking about it... like talking about it first!
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Old 23rd Jul 2011, 01:41 AM   #12
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Default Re: Fearing gaydar?

Quote:
Originally Posted by paper person View Post
What do u mean you guys have a game? Thats excatly what I'm uncomfortable with. if there are people who dont even know who i am that can spot my not heterosexuality out, what about people im close too? i know you said that they would probably not confront me about it, but i still dont want people guessing in the first place.
The thing is, pretty much ALL of us were once in the same place you are. ALL of us feared that people would figure it out, and our deep dark secret would be exposed. And that's why anyone who has been in that situation is respectful to others... because we've been there. The "game" is just sort of a way of acknowledging how we were all once in that place and, actually, feeling compassion for the person in that situation because we remember it.

But as thevedman said, most people who have the gaydar to pick you out will be respectful... and most everyone else will be oblivious, so it won't matter anyway.
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