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What am I? What can I do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by DoriaN, Jul 22, 2011.

  1. DoriaN

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    So ever since I was 5 I knew something was off. I never mentally thought about it, I behaved by instinct. From then on I would randomly cross dress in girl's clothes, and thought nothing of it. Everything was stemmed from curiosity, and for some reason I liked it. This is nothing that I can explain, it's just....... there.

    As I got older things started to dawn on me, but I was always in denial or figured it was just a phase; afterall one of my greatest passions is 'tricking' people (crossdressing could be a form of it, like a big practical joke to someone who mis-identifies me).

    Now I am male, and attracted to women, but for some reason a part of me longs to become one. I am both content, and unhappy I am male. In my mind I see myself as both, or neither, and I am not sure what to do...

    I was blessed to be born with a body that matches both features, hair and clothes pretty much define how I look, so I lucked out in that sense, but lately I've been considering experimenting with hormones..

    I guess what I want to some clarification or outside guidance, from both this site and my friends.

    I asked my doctor about a 'gender therapist', but it's been about a month and still no callback for a refferal... I'm wondering if she forgot, doesn't care, or if I'm just being impatient.


    Any advice or thoughts would be welcome ;_;
     
  2. DoriaN

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    Kinda sad no one has replied... maybe my question was to vague.

    I guess something else of discussion is, I'm Christian, but I'm having trouble trying to convince my mind that what I might be feeling is ok and not contradictory to what the Bible says.

    Any thoughts on the subject? I'm so confused.
     
  3. redstormrising

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    i would follow up w/ your doctor on the referral . . . a month seems like more than a reasonable period to wait for a response. it could be that she forgot, or has had trouble locating one, but either way, i think it would be perfectly appropriate to inquire at this point. sorry i can't offer anything more helpful :frowning2:
     
  4. LovexGinger

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    Hello!!

    OMG! So I definitley went through the same thing you did, although I haven't taken any action yet.

    I used to enjoy being a guy and at the same time I loved wearing female clothing and make up. I also had a girlfriend. I felt happy, but that something was missing.

    Fortunatley for me, my body continued down this path and now I'm defenitley 100% sure I'm a woman. As for you...well here's what I'd say.

    First, which one makes you the happiest? Arryou on cloud nine when in full femme mode like I am? Or are you just like "Its alright, this." (shrugs)? When you look at girls are you attracted like a moth too flame or like, "hey she's pretty." kind of attraction.

    I'm a girl (inside) and I still thi k that there are beautiful women out there. I'm just happier as a woman looking at men. :slight_smile:

    so really, you need a good hug(*hug*) and to think things over about your sexuality. Try dating a man and see if it compares. Is that something you'd wanna do for life? Or is it not as fun as dating a girl. Try going out en femme and see how you feel.

    As for the doctor, call again and ask if she has any referalls. Sometimes things take a while to get through and she might have forgotten.

    As for the bible.

    I too am a Christian. But I believe that god wants us to be happpy over everything. When your unhappy, God is unhappy. Don't worry about the hypocrites who chose one bible passage to stick to and screw the rest of the words. They don't really live their life by the book of God so what right do they have to shove you around?
    God will love you and forgive you if what we do is wrong. He loves all his children.

    Take comfort in that. :slight_smile:

    Good luck and lots and lots of love!!!!

    Ian

    (*hug*)
     
  5. DoriaN

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    Ty two, I suppose on monday I'll follow up with my doctor, though I'm still wicked shy about asking such quesions, I have anxiety issues and as such I nearly fainted when I made the request the first time...

    When I look at a woman I feel both a sexual attraction, but also a jealous nature to it. It's almost as if I want to be with that woman, but at the same time BE that woman... idk it's hard to describe...

    Also my family would never accept me, or could never fathom how I feel.... I love them all but they can never know how I feel or how I am. It's so hard, I've spent many a night crying and wondering wtf is wrong with me.

    I'm also trying to see if according to the Bible if it is truly a sin or not... I'm also being very skeptical and trying to make sure I am not out-smarting myself in the matter, I'm just so confused.

    I just.... I just don't know, I must sound stupid, I'm just at a crossroads.
     
  6. LovexGinger

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    sweetie I can't explain how much your story hurts me.

    First, you might be a lesbian woman inside. There's nothing wrong with that. Try messaging some of the MtF transsexual lesbians on the site. hot Pink is one who might help.

    Having a sexual attraction to a girl isn't bad in your case. But the biggest issue is that you need to let out and fast.

    It's not gonna be easy, I know. I'm sorry but it seems that this is what you should do...

    Tell your parents. If they don't accept you then they don't deserve your love. I spent all my life bottling my feelings because I didn't want to hurt my family. Well I stand before you a new person and say "Screw them, I want to be HAPPY!

    You need to tell your parents. Be forcefully and say that you want happiness and this is how you'll get it.

    But Hun you need to let it all go. It's SO unhealthy to bottle it up!! Please do it for your own good.

    You also need real human company. A hug icon can only do so much. Find your closest gay friendly friend and pour your heart out.

    It will be hard, i won't lie. You might lose what you had but you'll gain so much more!

    We all love you here, (&&&)

    Ian
     
  7. DoriaN

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    Yeah, I'll admit I have kinda felt like a lesbian on the inside.... Eddie Izzard is one of my favourite comedians and he was also a small inspiration..

    Also telling my parents outright will be a huge nono... I expect at the very least to be kicked out of the house... they can be kind of brash but I think if I hint at things here and there it will open their eyes a bit, though in my heart I do not think they could ever truly accept me...

    I've bottled up such feelings for so many years, it's all I know, and I'm ready to explode... I've already told my online best friend of 5 years a little about me and he accepted (We plan to meetup in November for a convention sort of thing), and I have hinted to my IRL best friend since grade 2 about it... and am trying to find the courage to tell him outright... (My idea is getting both of us drunk and spilling the beans >>).

    I've always been a bit of a loner since I entered school, heck I was teased and tortured so bad in jr.high I quit school and did homeschooling for years... and not even because of orientation!

    I'm not trying to make a whole "woe is me" topic but..... I guess this is the first time online, and the first time in a forum I've said any of this stuff..... heck I didn't even want to join this site at first until I finally felt a 'enough is enough' feeling.

    I'm really scared and unsure, I mean heck I'm 22 years old and I should be able to deal with this stuff right? Why am I cursed so, my parents do not know but my mother walked in on me while I was in tears bawling and I told her "I hate my life". She did not know the context, and she consoled me, but why? I just... I feel so lost, my doctor isn't helping, my family could never help, and it's a lifestyle of predjudice.
    I feel at wit's end, and yes I do need a hug irl... but even that is a fear in and of itself.
    I'm sorry.
     
  8. LovexGinger

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    Don't feel sorry! You did nothing wrong. :slight_smile:

    You feel this way because you feel this way. Being conflicted on your gender identity is so hard. I've been there. Crying in my room at midnight, praying, wishing for god to somehow turn me into a girl. I've been depressed and alone and I know what it's like. I even thought of suicide (DONT YOU DARE!!!) but I immediatley threw that idea out.

    I realized that while god won't turn me into a woman, he has given you and me the road to become one. I'm only 17 and I'm telling my parents. They migh kick me out, they might hate me. But enough Is enough!

    Sweetie I know it'll be hard but you're 22. You need to take some action and get this misery off your back. Usually I'd say wait but if someone is SO miserable, SO depressed and SO alone, yoo need to tell some one.

    Personally I find that girls are more accepting of this than guys. So you can just text up one if your girl friends and tell her what you told us and she will understand. If your lucky, she'll help you. My girl friends took me shopping with them and ingot to dress up. It was so much fun!

    Maybe they'll do that for you to. :slight_smile:

    but stop bottling it up. That's worse than rejection.

    Please stay strong, we all love you here. :slight_smile:

    Ian
    :kiss:(*hug*):kiss:(*hug*)
     
  9. DoriaN

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    I did some research on hormones, specifically estrogen and anti-androgens.

    Now I am VERY far from any expert, but would a good starting point if I am curious as to physical changes be in seeking anti-androgens?
    I don't want the male parts such as hair or head-baldness or the like. Even if I'm not at risk for such things I want to avoid it like the plague.
    I am very un-educated in the situation, at the very least androgyny is the basic goal I have atm to feel somewhat better.

    Can anyone relate or share insight? I feel like this is a topic of me whining... I hate that ;_;
     
  10. Katelynn

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    DoriaN, I know COMPLETELY how you feel. I'm 35 & I have been miserable, depressed & suicidal periodically for most of my life when I realized when I was 10 that I am a girl, but my gender was indifferent identified. I too spent many nights awake praying that I would wake up in the right body (between the ages of 14 & 16, every nite before I went to bed, I'd pray that my breasts would start growing & I was crushed that nothing ever happened). I finally started being honest with myself, after 25 years of trying (& sometimes failing) to be a guy. My whole life 98% of my friends have been girls.

    When I started high school, I also started puberty. I just assumed that because I was a girl, I'd like boys. Then I started having crushes & being physically attracted to some of the girls I had classes with. This confused me deeply & made me feel even more wrong. I sunk into a place where I just tried to play the part I was given as a boy. But I knew who I was, even though I couldn't always admit it. I was caught by my mum many times dressed in girl's clothes thru my teens & 20s, & I was upset when my sister moved out as I had no more blouses, skirts or even underwear to wear anymore. Injust kept trying to be something I just wasn't.

    I finally came to a point at the end of June where I woke up that morning & just couldn't keep doing it anymore. I finally accepted that I'm both a girl & that I'm a lesbian (although I still struggle with the idea of how I can be a gay girl with this body). I joined EC that same morning & started talking about how I felt a bit. And you know what? I felt a bit better. And each day I've been on EC talking about things, I've generally felt better about myself. You've taken that important step in that you're here & talking about how you feel. (*hug*) Good for you!

    As for God, I'm Catholic & read my bible & this girl has never seen anything saying GRS is a sin. My attitude is that if God doesn't understand, then He or She can't possibly be God. Narrow-minded idiots use the bible to justify their own fears & prejudices & I've never heard the Pole stand up & say that my wanting a sex-change operation means I'm going to hell.

    All that said, EC has given me the courage to come out to one of my friends & she's been super supportive (even helped me find a bra). I also came out to my mum, who admittedly is having a harder time with it. Please talk with people here, they can help you.

    As for hormones, they can be a pretty powerful thing sweetie. They're not usually prescribed unless your therapist thinks your ready & then under the care of someone to monitor your health. While some girls choose to self-medicate with hormones, the safest idea is to let a professional make that decision. Also, in order to fully transition to be one female, you must speak to a therapist, although I prefer to think of them as a counsellor, because I'm not crazy, I just need to be counselled on how I feel. Please don't do something that may hurt your health by taking hormones without the care of a doctor to keep an eye on you. I know it's hard seeing your body as being wrong, but rushing thru things too quickly might make things worse.

    I'm Kiersten & if you want to talk hon, I'm willing to listen. I know what you're going thru as I'm going thru it too. (*hug*)
     
  11. DoriaN

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    Thanks everyone, It's just so confusing and hard... It's like that katy perry song Hot N Cold, but I'm not sure if I want to commit to being Hot... or Cold...

    Awesome song aside I'm just so lost, idk how to deal with it.
     
  12. KaotikPrincess

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    Maybe you are a lesbian trapped in a male body. I knew a guy in High School who was the same exact way, he decided he wanted to be a woman, the transformation is pretty much complete and he (or she?) is now in a lesbian relationship and happy as ever. He was a good looking guy but an even better looking woman.
     
  13. CharmanderGato

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    Alright, I atually cried while reading this, and I feel so EPICLY bad for you. Okay, I am physically a girl, but lately, like you, I've been getting these wierd feelings simliar to yours. It actually hit me the other night. I'm gay. I'm a gay guy. or i think i might be anyway... I honestly am not sure yet, because i am only 16, and I've never really had any serious relationships, but I think you and i are a lot alike. I also crossdress a lot. (guy clothes) and I used to practice my guy voice and wear a girdle over my breasts when I'd go out. and I actually convinced a few people. But at that point, I thought it was just harmless fun... Lately, it feels like something more.

    I know this probably isn't much, help, but i just want to let you know that I think i'm kinda in your boat. My parents also probably wouldn't accept me. Daddy's a homophobe and he has a very thick head, and mum said once she would accept me if I wasn't totally straight, but I tried talking to her and ... she basically said she would accept me if i was like that, but then she said she knew i wasn't so we didn't need to discuss it further. I do like girls as well, but ... I just feel like a guy, or what i think one would feel like. I used to wish i was a boy, and i'd pray for it, and just... stuff didn't go well... I don't know what's wrong with us, honey, but it sure as hell hurts. But we can get through it together, okay?

    Look, I go to a stupid, redneck school. and every gay guy we get gets run off or homeschooled because of the bullying. My school would never accept me, but I'm considering getting a rainbow bracelet to help me out. lol :slight_smile: maybe it'll help. The only person i think would understand is my mom's boyfriend's daughter (who is gay/bi), and I haven't had a chance to tell her about all this yet... But honestly, I am praying for both of us, and I hope we can figure this out. Just get councilling or whatever you can, because we're here for you and we love you here.

    And yeah, I love that song too, but it sucks when you're living it..., doesn't it?

    Totally here for you,
    Keva-chan
     
  14. DoriaN

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    Indeed, and thanks a lot.. Also aaww don't cry.... you'll make me cry :'(

    I really, REALLY wish I had a personal friend that's either going through the same thing as me, or even better f2m; it'd be a fun adventure I think.

    I DO have one online friend closish with a similar dilemma, but she's to young to do anything in life atm so it'll be atleast 1-2 years before we could ever really hookup, if that is.

    This is also why my dream is to buy a house... a house where only cool people can come stay in, and where I can just be myself in the comfort of my own home... I'm currently saving up my money to make a down payment for one, but that's atleast a year away.

    So hard trying to cope with it for that long, I feel like the more I have to stay as I am the more I'm losing my life and wasting away; as if I'm losing opportunities with time.
     
  15. bookworm43

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    (*hug*) hang in there! i know firsthand that talking to therapists can be extremely helpful, so that's something to look forward to!
     
  16. Katelynn

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    I'm the same age girl, so I would totally be your roommate if you'd have me! Just a place where we could be ourselves & just have a place of our own!

    And I feel completely the same way about lost opportunities, believe me...
     
  17. CharmanderGato

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    Aww... Sorry I. Couldn't help but cry... I hope you get your friend!! I'm also too young to do anything about it. And I hope you get your house.:slight_smile:
    but yeah, I know how it is when you don't have anyone who will understand. I went through it, but now my mom knows, so we'll see. My best friend's a homophobe though, soo...
     
  18. DoriaN

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    Well, if they're a real friend imo they'll accept you.. but that's a sticky situation at best..

    I was debating on making an entirely new thread but I'll try asking it here; how would I go about seeing a therapist/psychologist/voodoo-witch-doctor in regards to my gender issues and possible HRT?
    My doctor doesn't seem to be helping, and idk what channels or process I should go through or even begin with... I'm really shy and scared and idk what to do. Also I'm not even sure if it IS a therpaist to see, or if its a psychologist or w/e.

    Also what sort of process would I need to go through to go from ground 1, to end results in m2f?
     
  19. CharmanderGato

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    OMG SPEAKING OF: I accidentally came out to her. Like, i started to say something and stopped and she tortured me until i came out, and she had to have it explained so many times in so many different ways, but she finally accepts it and she was just all bubbly... (she's more of a lesbiphobe) she calls me her gay best friend in private now lol? :slight_smile:

    and i have no idea in regards to that one... good luck though...