I need to break out and express myself. I have been feeling really depressed lately whenever I have some time to reflect on my own life.There are many reasons for this: 1) Even though I came out to one friend recently, I have to wonder what was the point of that? Does it even matter? Now that I put my true self out there, I can't date a girl and hide my homosexual side even if I wanted to. TBH, marrying a girl and trying to bury my "gayness" is something that I still think about. I'm still scared of gay men. I have met many good friends here on EC, but if I had met anyone of these ppl in person, I wouldn't be too comfortable around them. Gay ppl simply scare me. :icon_sad: I just feel horrible for the way that I feel. 2) I'm turning 21 and I feel old. It feels as if I'm running out of time. I understand that I am still young and that my life has just started and all, but I can't help feeling depressed about the fact that I'm no longer a kid anymore. I'm not a teenager anymore. 3) I'm about to graduate college soon and I'm afraid that I will be unemployed. Even if I do find a job, what if I get fired or what if I am deemed to be inadequate? I admit it. I have a lot of self doubt. I majored in something that I didn't want to. I lack the passion and my grades reflect that. I used to be a perfect A student with a 100 average. My liberal arts/humanities/science grades in college still reflect that but when it comes to my major classes, they are not perfect 4.0s. I feel like a failure. In addition to that, I'm graduating from a college that I didn't even want to go to. I never had any pride for my college. I have never even seen my school's campus in person until my first day of classes in freshman yr because I was originally all set to go to another school (this was all three years ago). I am ashamed that I go to this second rate public school. Due to financial issues, I had no choice but come here and had to major/get a degree that was MUCH cheaper than the degree/major I wanted. I am basically falling apart here. I feel so broken. I have never imagined that my life would turn out like this in 3 years. I WISH I WASN'T GAY. I WISH I GOT TO GO TO THE COLLEGE THAT I WANTED TO. I WISH I GOT TO MAJOR IN WHAT I HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED FOR MYSELF. I WANT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE! I hate the life I am living because NOTHING is going my way. I feel so defeated right now. I used to pride myself in being better than other ppl (I know I sound like a jerk but this is how I feel) but I have lost everything now. I lost my pride. My dad used to always talk about how smart I was and how successful I will be in front of other ppl, but since I started college, he doesn't brag about me anymore. It's all about my sis. It's like " oh! She's in the medical field! OMG!!" As for me, I'm not in the medical field anymore so I guess I'm not worth mentioning. It feels like I did something wrong. I just failed in life before even starting. :tears: Can someone make me feel better about all this? I usually feel like this at least 3 times a week during my "down time" when I have time to reflect on myself...
I say yes your not alone and I feel like you too when i have down time,like now sitting here on a 6 week recovery time,i'm trying so hard to keep my mind busy-yet wanting so badly to be with someone to hold me and say its ok i'm here for you,and without work I would be a basket case,I have told a few people that work is my only distraction to complete loneliness,and depression,so sometimes I come here and read a few stories and think to myself that my plms are not near as bad as some. you have your health and your youth and your smarts,your drive is alittle more low right now because you have the down time,don'tbe afraid of gay people,they are just as afraid as you,not saying all ,but we all have our low times in life.let me be the first to offer my hand in friendship to say hello,i'm dam proud of you and look forward to your success in the future,and you can say you have a gay friend here,Hi my name is Gerry,.
It's normal for people just coming out to be afraid of other gay people, especially the campier sort (or butcher for lesbians and bi girls). The best (and really only) thing you can do to help with this is to meet gay people, ideally in a non-sexualized setting. Get to know some as real people and your fear will begin to dissipate. At 22, I feel much the same way. Here's the thing though, your teenage and college years aren't the best years of your life. They're full of rules and constraints and hormones. As you age, you're more able to appreciate life and have the wisdom to avoid all the stupid things you did when you were younger. Most employers aren't going to care if your GPA is imperfect. I'm a bloody brilliant student (though not always a humble one) and I don't have a 4.0. But when I list my professors as references, they will tell employers how good a student I was. Even if I didn't have that, I'd still have a reasonably good GPA. The fact that you have a BA or BS will matter far more than whether your GPA was 3.0 or a 4.0. I don't have much pride in my school, either. But here's the thing, you're getting out. You won't be at your college much longer, so cares if you don't like it? Also, while a degree from a prestigious school is nice, having a degree at all is more important. There's no use regretting the past. Take what you can learn from it, and use that, but don't spend your life wishing things might have been otherwise. So start from where you are, build up a new life, one you can take pride in! Doing so is difficult, but it is doable. Without knowing you better, though, I can't advise you on how to do so. Most of us crave the approval of our parents, but ultimately, we are our own person. You don't need to be validated by your father for your life to have been worthwhile. My grandfather told his sons he was proud of them for the first time in decades at the age of 78 or 79. That doesn't mean they were worthless before then, just that he was too wrapped up in himself to notice them properly.
you seem to live in regrets and fear. i can understand this because i do as well. this is no way to live and you must break yourself from this. let's take this bit by bit. 1. you're gay and you WISH you weren't. ok, you like guys, you admit this to yourself, you're 21. do you really think that attraction is going to go anywhere? probably not. you never said you liked girls really, so i'm assuming they are not an option. soooo, what are you going to do about it? wish you were straight for the next 21 years, or accept that you like guys and stop beating yourself up. 2. you wish you didn't go to the school you went to....ok, well you did. you're graduating. it's over with now, so why are you dwelling on something you can't change. what you can change is your future. didn't like undergrad....ok, how about applying to a grad school you like. dont like the field you selected, ok, how about looking for a job in the field you like or going back to school to get more eductation in that field. 3. you used to be a straight A student...ok, that was in high school. this is college and you're always dealing with your sexuality so your mind probably isn't soley focused on school. cut yourself some slack, you're probably doing better than 98% of the poeple if they had your same circumstances. 4. your dad doesn't brag on you anymore: maybe because you have washed yourself up at the tender age of 21 and you're depressed. what is there to brag about when you know your child is hurting, and i'm sure they see it. and if your dad is that closed minded to only brag about you when times are good, ok that's his issue. pat yourself on the back, brag to yourself about yoruself. be your own cheerleadering squad. 5. you are at a great age. 21 is the start of your adult life. you can go in so many direction. nothing is locking you down. live your life so that you wont be in regret 21 years later about what you should have or could have done.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Thanks ethan. And Gerry- thanks for the supportive words. I hope you are recovering well. =] Liam-It's just hard to build a "new life". I thought I had everything settled and planned out, so I didn't expect everything would turn out like the way it is now. As for graduating and being able to leave a school that I hate, I just feel I wasted 4 years here that I can't get back. I hate the school but I regret not being able to make as much friends and have as much fun as I wanted to. I can't let go of the regrets I have no matter how hard I try. I keep feeling this way. Even if I can move away from these regrets, I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I don't know what direction to take in life. I'm literally lost. =[ I should also add that I am attending grad school in the same school because it's the cheapest alternative for me (you're probably facepalming right now thinking how stupid i am to stay in this school lol). I'm sort of restricted by money. =/ Feeling Down- I do admit that I am living in fear and regret. I'm afraid of my own future. It's hard to cheer myself on because I have really low self esteem now. It's hard to be proud of anything that I have done in these past 3 three years. I want to start over and do the major I had originally desired. But again, I'm restricted by money. It's REALLY expensive being that only private schools in my state offer that particular major. Also, I don't even know if that other major is even my passion. What if I find out that it really isn't for me. i dont' want to waste any more time =[. I REALLY want to live my life now without any regrets and just get out there to start a life that I want because I did think about those things before. Believe me I don't want to be 42 and regret regretting my life. But it's a vicious cycle that I can't get my mind out of. I thought I could be happy three years ago by putting my best foot forward. However, I keep feeling depressed about my own life. I dont' know when I'll feel better and WHAT will exactly make me feel okay again. Thanks again everyone for the advice. It feels good to talk about all this.
Well first, (*hug*). Second, almost everyone in the world has felt alone at some point in their life. So even when you feel alone, you really aren't. Plus you have all of us on EC.
