I feel like I've wasted so much time

Well first off, welcome to EC!

I know since I'm only a 19 year old, I don't have all of the wisdom and life experiences that someone older could offer, but I think that I can relate to what you are experiencing. Like every other gay person, I've hid my sexuality for years, and have been extremely guarded. I just finished my first year of college, and although I made many friends, I feel like the relationship is fake and not genuine since they are friends with only a part of me. this fall I'm transferring to another school and starting over. I plan on being completely open about myself, and meeting people who completely accept me. I'm only out to one person so far, and the scariest part of coming out is the fear of being rejected. but the most important thing to remember is that if I do get rejected, it's that person's problem, not mine. If a friend rejects me for being myself, then the friendship wasn't real to begin with.

It takes time to come to terms with yourself. Even though it may have taken you a long time, it sound like your on the right track. Don't be ashamed of your past, be proud that your ready to turn a new leaf.

 

Welcome to EC!

The metaphor I usually drag out is this. Say you find yourself at the gates of Disneyland at 1:30pm, holding an all-day pass in your hands. You can stay out there ruing the fact that you missed all the fun you could have that morning...or you can get your ass into Disneyland and enjoy the rest of your day. I'd greatly suggest the latter. It may be that you "wasted" part of your life being in the closet, but the one thing guaranteed worse than that is wasting more of your life in regret. The stuff behind you is set in stone now, so eyes forward - that's where all the interesting stuff is.

It sounds like from an early age, you built a wall around yourself to keep people out. From discovering your sexuality, from discovering the "real you". And so if you're set to start bonding with people more completely, I think the obvious step is coming out. Staying in doesn't seem to be serving any sort of purpose anymore, and by coming out, you're helping tear down that wall that you've built. It's gonna be scary, simply because you've probably grown comfortable behind that wall, but it'll be a step towards making you comfortable with yourself, more approachable, and available for what you might call "real" friendships, and "real" relationships. Perhaps we can help you take some steps in that direction.

>>>if anyone knows of an anonymous coming out support group in NYC I would love some info!

I don't, and I'm not going to say this is a bad idea necessarily. But I think it's time for working towards the end of anonymity. I don't have anything against online advice (obviously), or online friendships, or even anonymous hookups if they're done safely. But it sounds like you've been living the double life for some time now. There's Mr Quiet, the one with only casual friends and no sex life, and Mr Living, who hooks up with guys and can post something like you did above as long as his name isn't on it. And I think what you need to work on is combining the two. One step might be actually going to (for instance) a PFLAG meeting. Not as Mr Living, but as you. Something to ponder.

Lex

 

Hey,

well, I agree with lex above.

There isn't such a thing as too late to get out and enjoy things, especially your sexuality.

Building up walls is something we all do because of fear. I dint need to tell you that because it seems like you've experienced your share of fear in your life. But you need to come out and try to find a stable relationship with a man. Enough anonymous talks.

Yeah you can say you've waited too long. But so can everyone else. I could have asked for a sex change when I was 13. But I didn't because I was scared. I'm not anymore, but I still regret not asking or bringing it up earlier. But SO WHAT?

I can still get the operation and you can still find some love in life.

hope I helped,

good luck and lots of love!

Ian (*hug*)

 

Hey,

I really wouldn't stress about a lack of experience or previous relationships, mosy gay guys I know would think that's a huge bonus.....it means you don't have loads of relationship baggage or that you've been a serial dater.

Go for it, and don't worry about it....

James

 

don't be ashamed of your lack of relationships or sexual experience for the moment.
now, focus on the fact that you just decided to take a huge step and want to go ahead to be honest to yourself and people.
try to take things once at a time and fix some goals to achieve, step by step
now you seem to want to come out, even in an anonymous group it could be a good way to put you on the track
then you'll be able to tell your friends, and there's a great chance you'll be surprised by their reaction and how your relationship could evolve, more sincere and with no more unspoken topics
then it will be easier to find someone
so, now that you're ready to move on, it's all up to you !

 

Welcome to EC :smilewave I pasted a few of your quotes that I relate to very closely.

"inhibited me from forging many real friendships"

"they've made an unspoken agreement with me to to never ask me why I am never in a relationship"

"I'm afraid to seek out these new people because inevitably the question of dating and relationships always comes up"

I've avoided people who might ask me if I'm dating anyone or who have tried to set me up with a woman and who then question why I didn't want their offer when I declined. I suspect it was an attempt to get me to admit I'm gay and that has caused me to get paranoid about this and other related situations. I stick with people who have never asked me about my lack of relationship although they probably think I'm gay. One example is I always get the same lady where I get my haircut. She does a great job and I don't have to get the question whether I'm single or have kids or whatever. I just stick with who I know is safe.

"I'm now more ashamed of my empty relationship track record than the issues with sexuality"

Yep, right here with you, but it just gets worse the longer you wait. I have the feeling that people will think that I must be really damaged or defective since I've never dated. Like you, however, I'm actually a good guy and do have a lot to offer someone. I've had several friends through the years that if the guy was gay, we would have had great relationships as boyfriends. It's just so frustrating that all through college and my career I've never met a friend who is gay. Although to be honest I didn't realize I'm gay until just after college. It's going on about 13 years since I realized I'm gay. At least you've had some fun with guys. I hope the one friend can develop into a relationship if that's what you both want. Good luck

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

To start with, read my signature. I believe it to be true. It's never too late.

I in many respects 'started over' in my mid 30s. I'd been married to a wonderful woman and had 2 beautiful daughters, but I was miserable and finally came to undertand why. I was gay. I also came to realize that I was living a superficial life and to a large extent just 'going through the motions'. And yes - living 2 lives, neither one of which made me happy.

And now those lives are one life. And at 40 I've never felt better. I've never been happier, or healthier. I'm getting remarried in 2 weeks to the most wonderful guy I could have ever met, and looking forward to the future.

All that is yours to have as well. It all starts with one small step.

Hang out here and get comfortable with who you are. You're gay. So are a lot of us. And we're all fabulous! So if we can be gay and fabulous, you can be gay and fabulous too! The better you feel about yourself AND your orientation, the easier it will be to start coming out.

Yes - we all worry about what people will think. And many of us wonder if people will be angry because we've deceived them for so long. But they never are. They understand how difficult it is for us to come out, and they'll likely be relieved that you've finally confided with them something they've suspected for a long time.

But there's no rush either. Take your time and do it at your own pace. That's what many of us have done here - and we all feel better for having come out. You will too.