Hi all, I'm new to this as you can see... I'm having a bit of problems with my boyfriend's parents who don't know he is gay or seem to accept he is gay. We've been together for about nine months now and his Mother doesn't even know I exist or that he is gay, his Father allegedly knows but is not keen to meet me for some reason. It's all a bit weird for me as I came out about 11 years ago to my whole family who are fine with my sexuality now and have met my boyfriend. I know what it's like for him as my parents are of a similar background and didn't take it well initially, but are now brilliant with it, so much that it isn't even an issue anymore. I'm getting fed up with feeling second class all the time as he is very close to his family, which means I am excluded from family weddings, days out etc. We practically live together although we have never formally moved in together, we both have our own apartments and spend time together in both. I have explained how I feel to him but he is not very good about talking about relationship issues....or dealing with him. I respect his close ties with his family, but I don't think we can have a proper long term relationship if the supposed most important people in his life don't even know about each other... Any suggestions what I should do....it really is upsetting me and making me feel like I'm not important to him. Oh I should add, I have met nearly all of his friends and all of his brothers and sisters so it's just his parents I haven't met. Thanks, James
Hey well if you've dated for 9 months I doubt he doesn't WANT you to meet his parents. He's probably just scared about how they'll react if he's closeted. Or he's afraid they won't accept him as a gay who dates gays or some crazy stuff. I know it can be hard when the one you date doesn't want you to meet their parents, it sucks. And from how you described it it seems like it's taking a toll on your relationship, which isn't good. I would sit down with him and tell him you want to meet his folks and then ask him why he doesn't if he says no. Good luck and lots of love Ian
I'm not sure what to tell you other than you should probably tell him what you've just told us. I don't think I'd like being in that situation either. It's one thing if he's not out but doesn't have much to do with his folks. But it's another if he's excluding you from a lot of events because his parents are there. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing if that's how he needs to cope. But if it doesn't fit with you, then the two of you aren't a fit. And he needs to understand that this might be the case if he isn't willing to start working on this. Good luck!
I have just been "counseling" a female friend on her relationship with her boyfriend and it seems that you have many of the same fundamental issues. Many times people have different ideas about what is appropriate behavior within a relationship. The problems start to arise when one or both partners think that the other partner's idea about the "rules" of a relationship are the same as his/hers. They begin to feel that their partner is just blatantly ignoring what they think is right. If you haven't talked to your boyfriend about how being excluded from his life with his parents makes you feel, he probably thinks that things are just fine the way they are now. Tell him what you're thinking and see how he reacts. However he does react, just remember that everyone's coming out process is unique and his family dynamic is probably different from yours or anyone else's for that matter. Be supportive of him and what he needs to do for his life and hopefully he will understand what you need as well. You may find that the discussion actually brings you closer together.
