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in need of direction

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by browneyedboy, Jul 24, 2011.

  1. browneyedboy

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    the title pretty much sums it all up,
    i feel completely and utterly lost at the moment and have no idea
    what to do about it. everything just seems to be going nowhere
    and i feel as if i'm existing rather than living.

    firstly i hate what i'm studying (think maths and finance and all that shit), find it so boring and don't want to continue,
    however, if i did it would end in a job that would pay really well. i would
    much rather be doing something more creative but there's not much where
    the money is good, so i have agreed to stick out the rest of the year and changing the following year but am so dreading going back tomorrow, i actually feel sick. i also feel like people have got expectations of me to succeed and have those same
    expectations, so have no idea what to do. (my parents will support my
    decision, but want me to finish the year).

    secondly and most importantly i feel as if being closeted is suffocating me. even though i easily get along with people and interact well, i'm finding it difficult to be around my friends, and feel as if i'm distancing myself from everyone and am afraid to make new friends until i come out, so as not to set myself up for unnecessary rejection. Im also really eager to come out as i really don't want to waste my early twenties being closeted and not living true to myself. however my brothers are both in school and i am afraid they will get mocked because of me, if i come out, the school is a hell hole, where i was mocked and teased for being "gay" before i even knew it myself. I am so close to telling my mother, but she has got so much going on that, even though i'm 100% sure she would support me, i don't want to add to her worries.

    i also feel that once i'm out, ill be able to go out, and make friends openly. Also my best friend lives in another country and if she was here id probably have confided in her but i cant expect her to deal with it all by herself where she is, and i cant take the chance of someone else finding out before my family.

    So basically all this has been sitting on my shoulders weighing me down, ive been moody most days and just feel close to tears constantly, im really not sure what im asking for here but anything would be helpful.

    thanks

    sorry for the rambling just need to get it out there.
     
  2. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    i too need direction. at least you are facing reality at a time in your life when the consequences are about being honest and not correcting mistakes because you were not honest with yourself. i may never come out and will have to live with what i know. you have freedom, not that it is easy, but the burden can be lifted. at least you have already faced the facts and it sounds like you are headed the right direction. as soon as i had a good friend to talk to, my burden eased tremendeously. i can only imagine if i didnt have to hide any of who i really am.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    If you're not happy with yourself, you're not going to be happy with your schooling.

    It sounds like you've already decided that you're going to stick with the schooling - so do that. Don't dwell on it any more. Decide that it really isn't so bad. (And it isn't - I did math and economics and then business in university - and it did translate into a well paying job.) And if it helps, do some of the creative stuff on the side or as part of a volunteer program (community theater or something like that).

    I'd also suggest that you need to give your mom and your best friend more credit. Coming out to them won't be the end of the world, unless you make it out to be that. What is it that you would tell your long distant friend that you think she'll need to 'cope with'? It's you that's gay - not them. :icon_wink And if you're OK with it, then they'll be OK with it. Only you won't have to filter everything you say to them, and you'll be able to have a much more authentic and honest relationship.

    Same thing for your mom. It won't be a horrible cross for her to bear if you don't make it one. You can also come out to her without worrying about the whole town finding out. And if you survived the bullying, surely your brothers could survive a little bullying too.

    I don't mean to minimize this, because it IS a big deal. But speaking from experience, we make it a bigger deal in our minds than it ends up being in reality 99 times out of 100. And the fact is that this appears to be impacting you in a significant way, and I think you're at a spot where you're ready. Staying in the closet is becoming more uncomfortable than being out of the closet.

    Go for it. We're here to help.
     
  4. browneyedboy

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    Hey guys, thanks for the advice, had a mad week with uni so never had time to reply

    this seems to be translating into everything, as i just cant seem to be happy with everything im doing.

    Ive decided to reconsider the course and change a few options, but still stick on a business and financial as opposed to mathematical route, just clearing this whole mess up, already made me feel more positive.

    As for coming out, im still really freaking out on that part,and i feel like eventhough im not saying it, im trying to show it, wearing different clothes, changing my hair etc. Had a long discussion with my mom the otherday and she was saying how maybe i should get a girlfriend, and i kinda skated round it, and she basically flat out asked if i just wasnt interersted, which i only realized after was possibly a well phrased, you can tell me if youre gay question, she then went on to joke, about if i had to go out for lunch with my one friend, then people might think we're gay, not sure if he is, but he sends off major gay vibes, i literally chocked on what i was drinking but passed it off as a laugh. I havent really given much thought to telling my friend either but we'll see.

    i know! and i'm the type who over analyzes anything and everything to begin with and can usually work out the worst possible outcome.

    anyway ill see where the next few weeks take me.
     
  5. Marlowe

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    I also did math and economics as an undergrad, graduated in May. During this time, I faced the same problem as you -- finance was not where my heart was. Yes, it pays well, but that hardly is the only definition of success, and furthermore, the money does not come without a price. I met a lot of people in finance, and you work hard for that money especially as a new hire. I once made the mistake in an interview of asking if they took lunch with their colleagues. They almost laughed at me, and said when you work 12-14 hour days, you eat lunch at your desk while working. Unless your heart is in the money or in the work, it is not worth the sacrifice of time. It is the one thing we cannot get back.

    As I had to make a career decision, I looked back on my life and tried to evaluate what I genuinely found interesting. I had never questioned that I would do something finance or economics related. Looking around I realized that I had always had an interest in education and teaching, and now I am on my way to becoming a high school math teacher. Will I become rich? No. But it is an incredibly rewarding job, it is completely creative, and it is enormously important. I am not sure what you mean by creative, but there are plenty of creative jobs beyond the arts. Some of the most creative people I know are in fact engineers. They seem to fix everything with duct tape and chewing gum. The alternative to the arts is not necessarily a desk job.

    Try to find out what your interests are. Take classes in different departments. Get involved in interesting activities. I first got introduced to teaching by volunteering at a high school model United Nations conference. Remember there is success everywhere you go. Another point I would make is that you are only in college once. There is no point in wasting classes that you don’t enjoy on a fundamental level. You will not be learning anything from them. I wasted a lot of time taking economics classes that I dozed off in wishing I were taking something else.
     
  6. Mogget

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    I'm all in favor of majoring in something you love. A lot of people end up in fields completely unrelated to their degree, and often having the degree matters more than what the degree is in. So if finance and math aren't your thing, drop 'em!
     
  7. JudgeDredd

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    I totally agree with that. I'm kinda feeling the same way you are. I'm still in the beginning stages of coming out and I feel like everything I'm doing isn't going to make me happy in the long run. I'm currently majoring in computer engineering. I like it well enough but lately it seems like something I really wouldn't enjoy. Honestly on of the main reasons i choose that was because of the money. I think after this semester I'm going to change to Interior Design. Something that I've wanted to do since I was young. So follow your dreams, having a lot of money isn't worth it if you're not happy.
     
  8. mnguy

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    This is good advice. The point about being unhappy with yourself infecting other areas of your life and not enjoying anything is true for me I know. I try to keep busy doing things that I like, but lose interest in them quickly and then move onto somthing else to try to keep my mind occupied. I think if I was happier, I'd enjoy things more and I'd be doing stuff because I enjoy it, not to keep my mind off of being gay.

    I probably shoulda put in the extra years to be in architecture instead of going with a shorter degree program. Somtimes I think I should go back to get that or maybe civil engineering and kinda start over. Take your time getting an education in what you want since the job market isn't good now anyway so no rush to get out of college, except for the mounting tuition debt maybe. :confused:
     
  9. browneyedboy

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    Thanks for the advice guys, its really helped a lot especially from the school side. Ive decided to move into a degree which is still a really good degree, however is not as much of a guarantee of huge money, but will allow me to work in a much wider variety of businesses so will allow me to explore and find something i enjoy, as its a degree which fits into most environments. So will maybe drop some courses and start that next year.

    Being closeted is really playing around my head though, im still generally unhappy, and distanced from my friends. Even feeling like i dont fit in with them anymore, and its just abit hard not having that much social interaction to keep my mind off things, however ive made a few new friends at uni so hopefully ill work on developing those friendships. Still undecided about my mother, i mean im pretty sure she's accepting (her one boss is gay), but ive seen her act slightly not homophobic but more weirded out if theres a gay scene in a movie or something like that. The fact that she suggested i get a girlfriend just baffled me, as i thought she'd atleast realized and was just waiting for me to tell her, but then she pops up with the girl question. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: eughhhh Thank G-d ive got EC to come and get this all out :slight_smile: thanks so much guys!
     
  10. mnguy

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    I forgot to say that the salary potential of a job shouldn't have greater weight than how much you'd enjoy doing something, but it is hard to avoid. You'll be at a job 40 hours a week minimum so it would be great to enjoy what takes up at least 1/3 of each work day. I'm in the position where I like my salary, but I dread going to work many days. I try to think of the stuff I want/enjoy that my paycheck funds and paying off my house and retiring early so I just keep slogging along. I suspect people who are passionate about their job will do better at it and could thus make more money even if they don't start out making much. Ideally we'd all look forward to going to work each day and the paycheck would just be a pleasant bonus.

    Regarding your mom's question about a gf, maybe she was giving you an opening to say u're not into them. If that's the case, I hate that tactic. If she really wants to know, she should have a respectful conversation with you when it's just the two of you.

    I hope you can be open and natural around your new friends at uni. You're right that this is the time for you to do that and really enjoy your youth before you get into the daily grind of working full time. I miss my college days quite a bit, but I just wish I knew I was gay then and had the guts to meet other gay guys or was pursued by a guy I liked. I think I'd be much happier and content now if I had known back then and had the chance to be with other guys when I was that age. I bet you can do it; take the plunge :thumbsup:
     
  11. browneyedboy

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    Hey guys, thanks so much, i havent had time to reply but i have read all of it and the advice was really helpful.

    I definitely was going for money over happiness, and i have now prioritized and have changed part of my degree so i can go into a broader yet still reasonably well paid career. So yay on that front.

    As for coming out, i'm no nearer to it than i was before. However i have made 2 friends in my one class (1 lesbian, one just awesomely accepting and im pretty sure they have guessed because the way we talk its not like i exactly hide it. the one asked me if i thought one guy we know was cute, i was caught so unaware that i just blurted out no. anyways its nice to be around people who i know are accepting.

    Another thing thats been worrying me is the "what if its a (albeit a very very long one) phase" thingy. Im almost positive that im having these thoughts because i am starting to become closer and closer to coming out and knowing once i do its out there and chances are rather difficult to get back. i have not suddenly found any girls attractive or have a desire to start hooking up with girls its just a "what if" kind of thought. anyone else had this?

    anyway thanks so much again, so so so helpful!
     
  12. thylvin

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    You got allot of responses here so I am not going to say much, but I will add this on the professional side.

    How far are you with the degree? I would suggest you finish it. it is always good to have a back up plan, things happen you can not always foresee and if that happens you have a degree to fall back on.

    You said you like design? What kind of design would you like to do?

    Do you like to decorate things, design car's shapes, design as in graphic design?
    If it is a graphic design you are interested in then I can help you big time.

    While you are studying your degree, see if you can get a copy of Adobe's master Collection... preferably an old copy... the new ones are expensive... the big set with all the software packages cost in our currency like 50k... at the moment the U$ to ZAR is about 6.5... that would make it 7,695USD. So yeah i suggest to get a second hand copy somewhere.. its cheaper (You can download a cracked version if you want, but that's up to you).

    Play around with the software... The main one you'll use is Photoshop. the more you familiarize yourself with the programs the better for you. See at college if there are students in this field and ask them for help if you need it.

    Adobe is the industry leading standard so learning the software is essential. Most courses at the college will touch you the software, but not really the design techniques and ways most employers want.

    When you finished your degree, then you can see if you can get an internship with the printers. Look for the ones that according to the design community in your area is the best. They will take you in if you are familiar with the software because they don;t often have the rime to teach the people to use the software, but they will teach you how to design correctly. work your way up for a few years. then you have the experience needed to get an internship with an advertising studio.

    This is what I did, and now today I run my own successful advertising studio.

    One of the bonuses in working with the printers is that you get to know the design community and they get to know you, that's important, so that when you go for an internship at a studio they will know of you and will most likely employ you.

    For interesting sakes I'm listing the software packages of the Adobe Master's collection and what each one does.

    Adobe Acrobat (You most likely are familiar with the reader.) The printer machines all work on the standards determined by Adobe. So finished designs must be send to PDF which they can impose to fit on the printing plates to print.

    Adobe After Effects This is to add effects to videos, animations and what not.

    Adobe Audition Sound authoring and recording software

    Adobe Dreamweaver Web authoring software to design website

    Adobe Flash Animation, web and applications development package. you can create full featured animation for TV, you can create flash animations for web sites or even create an entire web site in flash. You can develop software and games for most handheld devices including but not limited to Nokia, iPod, iPhone, iPad, Samsung, Motorola etc.

    Adobe InDesign Design and layout for printed advertising, like magazines, newspapers, flyers, business cards, letterheads etc.

    Adobe Premier Video editing and authoring package.

    Adobe Photoshop This is the main application for photos, you create effects, fix photo's and what not. For video editing, you use premier to export all the frames as individual frames, then you edit them in photoshop and re-import them into premier and re-render your clip. Most movies' images gets edited in photoshop.

    These are just the basic but most use software packages in the master's collection. To buy each individual packages might be cheaper, but buying them all is cheaper if you take the Master's collection. you get two licenses and upgrades. its available for both Windows and Macintosh. i would advise you to get an apple because most of the industries uses apple mac hardware.

    I hope this helps you in the career aspect... good luck and remember, if you need any help using the software, please do not hesitate to contact me.