I've been in a long distance relationship for the last year with a guy who has habits I said would be deal breakers (smoking) but otherwise is an amazing person. This is the first relationship I've been in since 2005 and I have increasingly overwhelming feelings that I'd be happier with a woman. I've always been attracted to girls, the first time I mentioned this to someone I was 16, but I find myself thinking am I really attracted to them or is it a result of childhood abuse? Then I just push the feeling down and ignore it for as long as possible. I seem to only be attracted to people after I get to know them (male or female). I don't walk down the street and check out either sex so it's not physical attraction that dictates my feelings. I also get dismissive and slightly irritated when people talk about some girl they know coming out and being happier than they've ever been. On some level I want to be a lesbian, I want to be with a girl. I don't have that fear or dislike of homosexuality. There's no stress of disappointing anyone, it's all about me. I find it easier to get along with guys because I don't care what they think so I don't get anxious like I do when I first meet women. Even though I get along with guys better at first I form stronger bonds with girls and I prefer living with them and having them involved in my life. Problem is I feel like I can never experiment with this because of my health status and also if I tell bf how I'm feeling it's going to affect him and our relationship. I have hooked up with girls in the past and I was in a 'relationship' short term with a girl who turned out to be straight and using me to get guys. I also spent a lot of time with a very out, extremely aware of herself lesbian several years ago and she scared the shit out of me. I think her confidence and drive to have me was overwhelming at the time when I was so confused about myself. Anyone determined to have me scares me a little so it might not have been her gender but more her approach. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to figure this out.
