Okay, so as I posted the other day I am a gay man in his early thirties who is working on coming out. I've basically walled myself off from the world and haven't ever had a relationship and have very few close friends. (For more info see "I feel like I've Wasted so much time" on this board). My question is about a guy that I have had a crush on for about six months. I am in theater and he is someone that I did a show with a few months ago. We never really chatted much, but there was one time when we were backstage together and exchanged a glance that felt like it was something. I do not know if he is gay or straight because he has never really talked about girls or guys with me. But then the other night I went to see him in a show he was in and he said we should hang out sometime. He actually seemed a little nervous when he said this, which leads me to believe that he feels it could be more than just two straight guys hanging out together. I know that he was not asking me on a proper date because we have never said that we are gay to each other. But when we do hang out, I'm wondering if I should be upfront with him that I am starting to come out. My fear is that he is also in the closet and looking for a safe person to share his time with. I don't want to scare him off by bringing up a subject that he may be afraid to address. I am not afraid that he is totally straight and will reject me because I'm gay, because if that does happen, i'll know he is not someone I want in my life anyway. I'm just wondering if he could be that rare thing I've been looking for: someone who is in the same point of the coming out process that I am - sick of the closet, but still scared to be completely out.
If he's in theater as an actor, and he's asking to hang out, i think the chances he's straight are close to zero. And if he's in theater, he's definitely gotta be OK with gay people because theater is full of 'em I say go for it, hang out, tell him you're in the process of coming out... I'm sure he'll be fine with it, whether he is looking for a friend or potentially something more
Agreed. Come out to him and let him know where you're at. If this is the first conversation you're going to really have with him, try to make this statement as non-chalant as possible. Give the impression that you're totally OK with it - even if you're a little uncomfortable. I say this, because you want to set an example for him. You're hoping that he's going to say "You know what, I'm in the same boat!" But if you're a basket case trying to spit it out, you may make him nervous too! Don't set an expecation that he's going to come out if you do. You might be in exactly the same spot on this, and you might be just close to the same spot. You might come out to him this time, he might come out to you later. Don't be disappointed if he doesn't reveal the same secret of that first cup of coffee. We all need to come out in our own time.
Okay. Honestly. I don't think you should feel obligated to tell him anything too personal unless he asks, don't just blert out that you are gay and trying to come out,he maight or might not take it in a way that you are coming onto him, just be yourself and if he asks you or if you get to a point where you are comfortable enough with him to tell him that you are gay then go ahead. Me, you can't tell I am bi just by looking at or talking to me, if someone asks I tell, or I will simply speak my mind when I see someone attractive, oh she's hot or oh he's hot lol Like I said, just be yourself and the truth will come out sometime or another. And when it does come out and he doesn't accept you for the person that you are then you really don't need him as a friend anyway, like you said.
i agree with blacksheep. i'm not sure why everybody on here thinks you should tell someone you are gay when it is so not relevant to the purpose of you hanging out. you are developing a friendship with the dude. you just started actually speaking. he said you all should hang out. ok, great. just hang out. you dont even know this guy like that. this is not some AA meeting. "hi, my name is "slowly" and i'm gay. he just want to hang out and make friends. if he is not gay, he may be weirded out that you are "coming out to him" and you dont even know him. if he is gay and likes you, he may think you are coming on too strong for the first time. just be yourself and chill out. also, sometimes people say 'we shoudl hang out, but they do not actually follow up on it. it's just something to say. so dont take too much stock in this until it happens. once you all develop a friendship and you feel like "hey this is someone i want to know then tell him."
I hear you feelindown. Nothing may even come of it in the end. I think the best thing I can do is just promise myself that I won't lie if it comes up. That's actually a big step for me in and of itself. I hate lying and to avoid it I've walled myself off from people all my life. Maybe just pursuing the friendship is the healthiest thing I can do right now.
hi slowly, you have given yourself great advice. if it comes up, you can come out if you choose to. but right now the best thing you can do is just be a friend. who knows, maybe he is in the closet too and just wants someone to hang around to be comfortable with before he can come out. sometimes when people are new to things liek this, they can scared off easily if they feel pressure. just hang out and have fun and appreciate that you have a friend. put the crush on the backburner. crushes are great in theory but often the reality never seems to match. good luck.
