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Parents with me being gay.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by scionjc, Jul 25, 2011.

  1. scionjc

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    All but family
    Long story but I will try to slim it down some. I live in a small town, end of the bible belt, and most everyone here is against gays, divorce, and etc. I am 20 years old, and about a year ago I mentioned to my mom who was close to me about me talking to this guy. She flipped out and said that she would rather be on drugs or something where she could help me. She told me that it was a phase and she never wanted to talked about it again. I live with my parents, and i dependent on them to give me a roof over my head, food, and such. I have a part time job which i use that money to pay for my car payment and insurance. I have asked to friends that I am currently out to and they all tell me to wait till I am on my two feet and no longer need them financially. Is this good advice? Right now, I am leaning to that. I feel that she knows I am gay and that my dad, who is homophobic along with my family, which is my uncles, aunts, and cousins that often use fags, AIDS, and etc in everyday talk. I am planning to come out them once i am independent but I hate to lose all my family because we are close and I hate to be a outcast of the family or disowned. I wonder about dating for me, I think i need a boyfriend because I will have someone to talk to and call my own. However, In the gay world, would guys out there consider me a turn off knowing I am out to everyone but my small minded family? Any suggestions or help would greatly be appreciated!
     
  2. Lukee

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    If you think that you'd be cut off from your family by coming out to them right now and need that support, I'd hold off telling them. It's good advice, but has it's downsides.

    If you're close, then even if your family don't accept you, they might not disown you. I assume it's hard for a family to just cut someone that they love off completely, but don't quote me on that.

    And everyone in the 'gay world' is different. Just because some people may consider you a turn off, doesn't mean everyone does. Most gay people fully understand how hard it is to come out to family, so they /should/ be supportive.

    I hope some of this helped, I'm not the best advice giver. :slight_smile:
     
  3. biisme

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    Is there anyone in your family (either side) who might understand? If you could tell at least one person maybe they would be able to help you when you eventually come out to your whole family.

    When to come out to your family is something only you can decide. However, if you don't feel the pressing need to come out to them now, it might not hurt to wait until you know you could support yourself, just in case the worst were to happen when you tell them.

    Are your friends supportive of you? Would you be able to stay with any of them if you were ever kicked out of your house?

    Also, when you come out to your parents, maybe PFLAG would be able to help you explain it to them. There might be a chapter near you where they could go to a meeting, and they also have great pamphlets and info on their website:
    PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays
     
  4. Kerze

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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've forgotten who said it but I remember somebody saying that you should never come out if it means that you will be in personal danger, your education will be cut off or you will be left homeless.

    My advice would to be just not to talk about it with your parent again until you're living away from home and they can't kick you out onto the street.
     
  5. CLFB

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    I'm an a very similar situation. My entire family (and country) are anti-gay and believe in the abomination of gays. I am gay and I know I've been gay ever since I could remember. I'm not out and I'm only 19 in college. Currently, my parents are the only financial support I have and I know that coming out would either result in my death or exile. It's that bad.

    You've already accepted yourself as gay. That's a HUGE milestone. What I suggest and also plan to do myself is stay in the closet for a while. Until you live on your own and have a stable income and be 100% positive that even being cut off from every familial tie will not hurt you financially. If you're family is not supportive, I understand how emotionally difficult that will be (even the thought of it), but you have to realize that it might happen. Before college, I hinted about being gay to my sister and she just ended the conversation about how gay "unnatural" and blah blah but what really hit home for me is that she said she wouldn't miss me when I leave for college so casually over dinner.

    For me, I know my family won't accept me. But I believe the only way I can prosper and give back to the world is coming out. I will come out once I'm on my own two feet.

    As much as it hurts living a lie, for without pain, there is no pleasure. (&&&) Feel free to PM me or chat if you need to talk.
     
  6. DoriaN

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    I skipped what everyone said but for my own situation + yours:

    Milk the living situation as long as possible, if you get to the point of suicide (Like my friends) that should be the only time.

    It'll suck, it'll hurt, but believe it or not the more you wait the further you advance yourself, it SUCKS but be patient.
    I myself am in a similar circumstance, but I know good things come to those who wait, so I'd say stick with it and don't let yourself feel hurt.
     
  7. KaotikPrincess

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    Sounds like your parent's are the conservative type, I didn't have this problem with my mom (my dad doesn't matter because we aren't that close) and I could tell her anything and she would be 100% supportive, so it was easy to come out in that sense. But maybe you should wait a little while to come out, maybe when you move out or have some kind of back-up plan in case they don't take it so well. Or maybe you will know when the time is right and take the chance and come out. Good Luck! Sorry i couldn't give more advice.