I should be happy. I have a lot of great friends, a great family, I'm in a good course at uni, I have a part job. I'm now out, and I've even met someone in the last few weeks and experienced some sort of relationship for the first time in my life. I have no right to be unhappy. And yet I am. I don't even know why and its destroying me inside. I wrote some time ago here about feeling depressed and got good avice, so naturally I didn't follow it. Because I'm stupid. I always believe I can cope with it on my own, and to be fair, I always have done, right throughout teenage years up to now. I've never sought any help for how I feel and I managed to get through everything. I've somehow got into the final year of my course, God knows how. The weather's fantastic outside. I've had THREE different offers today to do something with others, and I've turned all of them down. I can't even face the people I actually like. I'm avoiding them and I don't even know why.....I've chosen instead to stay in and I just feel completely miserable. I feel like I want to start crying and I can't. I can't even fucking cry, even though I want to. I want some sort of release from this crap. How can I tell anyone this? I can tell yous, because I don't know yous. But how can I explain this to anyone I know? What will I say when they ask me what's wrong? Because I don't even KNOW what's wrong!! I can feel fine, happy even, and then all of a sudden someone somewhere flicks a switch and I hit this massive downer that completely consumes me. I have to practically force a smile across my face if I'm with others to try and cover it up. It mostly hits me when I'm alone though. I don't even know what it is. It makes me feel completely sad and inadequate and lonely. So alone. But it always goes away and I just ignore it again. I'll probably read this back later when I feel fine and wonder what the deal was. But it'll come back, the black dog. It always does. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I doubt anyone will understand if I try to explain. People here told me last time to see a doctor, and I said I would, but I didn't. I know that's what people will say again. I've thought about it myself for ages, there's been times when I've told myself to go ssee him, but its always a case of "I'll see how I feel next week, I'll see him next week" etc. And I've always gotten by. Its not like I'm gonna do anything stupid or anything. I have a real problem telling people anything personal as well. I just struggle to do it. Telling people I was gay was a massive struggle because talking about personal things is just something I don't like doing, and in many ways can't do. I don't want to tell anyone about this. I can't tell my parents this. Guess that's why I'm writing this, it puts my thoughts down without having to tell anyone I know.
You might not know what this is that's bothering you, but I do. It's a clear as day to me, and likely other people reading it. You're depressed. You're suffering from depression. The problem is that nobody talks about depression and other mental illnesses. So people like you have trouble figuring out what is wrong, and even when you've figured it out, you are afraid to talk about it due to the stigma that's attached to mental illness. It's estimated that 1 in 5 Canadians suffers at some point, to some degree, with mental illness. And yet only 6% of those people seek treatment for it. But the statistics also say that 90% of those people who do seek treatment are able to address the issue effectively. That might mean medication, counselling, or a combination of both. But help is out there, and when you seek out that help it will usually work. I'm one of those success stories. I suffered from depression off an on through my teens, never knowing that's what it was. I was moody, but with very few highs. Mostly just lows. About a year or two into my marriage I suffered a pretty severe depression (extremely down, thoughts of suicide, completely withdrawn) and my wife insisted I get counselling, which I did. It worked, for a while. But there were a couple of underlying issues that weren't addressed at the time because I didn't bring them up or wasn't aware of them - mainly that I was gay and an addict. I managed for a while to keep an 'even keel' but would still have lows. But a few years later, the severe depression returned. And I finally started to address those underlying issues as well as the depression. I started on medication which had the effect of 'lifting a fog' that I'd been wandering around in for years. I suddenly was able to experience some of the peace and ease that I assume most people feel most of the time. It didn't make me dopey - it just elevated my mood from barely tolerable to OK. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! And to your parents. They can handle it. Perhaps they'll need educating around depression. Perhaps you do too. But take steps to address it, because there ARE things you can do to make yourself feel better. So do them!
You are not alone in this. I suffered through two years of depression and suicidal thoughts, before getting help. I had horrific insomnia, which was the worst, since it was mostly at night in the dark while trying to fall asleep that my mind would run out of control. I felt like I wanted to cry a lot of the time that if only I could cry, I would finally feel better, but of course you can't. After I finally fell asleep, I would wake up in the morning and feel some what better and put off going to a see a counselor. I felt the same way as you, that I could handle it and cope. But in truth I realize now that I wasn't coping. I was only muddling through -- managing the depression day to day rather than solving it in the long term. Coping did not address any of the underlying problems. PLEASE, talk to your doctor or a counselor. It was an amazing feeling when I was finally able to open up to another human being about all of the negative feelings I was having. I suspect it is a lot like coming. Write a note to yourself or on your arm or whatever you need to do convince yourself to contact your doctor.
I want to thank you both for your replies, they helped a lot. I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, and I almost fell into the trap of putting it off again. But then I read what I'd written yesterday and both your replies and decided I had to do something. Its encouraging that both of you managed to benefit from help, I've always been skeptical about doctors and drugs and so forth being able to help me, but knowing you've both been helped made up my mind. I made an appointment with the doctor, which is a big step for me really. Its something I've literally thought about doing for years and never have done. I see him tomorrow morning. I'm not telling anyone else in my family yet that I'm going, 'cause I want to see what they say first. If they diagnose me with anything, or prescribe something or whatever, then I'll tell them. Really, thanks again for all your help
I'm SO glad that you decided to take that step. Your doctor might agree with us, or they might have other thoughts. But you'll never know until you talk to them. It isn't necessary to go through life dealing with your problems alone. Other people are here for us, and we're here for them. That's the whole point, as far as I can tell.
Hey, hey, mama Say the way you move Gonna make you sweat Gonna make you groove... [YOUTUBE]fl6s1x9j4QQ[/YOUTUBE] Add me to the choir who got better when he got proactive about his depression. Mine ended up being mainly chemical, so I was put on a mild anti-depressant. It didn't "zombify" me. It just allowed me to break out of the fog and function normally for a while. After a short time, the doctor helped wean me off the medication, and I was pretty much back to normal after that. The doctor is probably the best place to start. Lex
Loving the zep btw. Maybe I should just listen to them non-stop and it'll make me feel better. So I seen a doctor, not my usual one 'cause he's away. I feel like I got fobbed off I'm a rubbish communicator so maybe it was partly my fault, but he seemed to make out as if it was just "a little phase" I'm going through. He seemed to dismiss the fact that I've felt this way before. I told him about how I really felt down in January, and growing up in my teenage years, and he seemed to put them down to phases everyone goes through aswell. He seemed totally perplexed that there was nothing going on in my life to make me feel this way. I kept repeating that I don't know why I am feeling this way. That's the whole freaking point! :bang: I told him about my episode on Tuesday, about how it came on suddenly and for no reason, and how I felt terrible, and again he just seemed to shrug it off. I told him I have no confidence and little self esteem, and that I've always been like that. All he did was ask me why I thought that was, and I said I didn't know. He was going to get me to fill out a questionnaire, and then changed his mind. He said to come back in two weeks if I was still feeling down. He told me to "try and think positively" (as if it was that easy to get rid of what I'm feeling) and said something jokingly like "if you feel like jumping off a bridge or something" get back in touch quickly. It was as if he thought he could make me feel happier by cracking a few funnies. And that was it. I felt kind of humiliated on leaving. He made it out as if I was just being an over-sensitive whinger almost, at least that's how I felt. I wasn't looking for an immediate diagnosis of anything or whatever, I just wanted to chat and at least have a serious conversation about it and see what to do. I dunno what to do now to be honest. I felt really awkward in there and I was glad to leave. I'm rubbish at telling people how I truly feel as well. Right now I still feel quite low but at least I don't feel like what I did on Tuesday. But who's to say I won't feel like that again? At least its sort of manageable at the moment. If I do go back it'll to see my family doctor, not the one I seen today
What your suffering from is clinical depression. It might feel like there aren't any options right now, but with a combination of medication and theropy you should feel better. Trust me I've been there. I never would have gone to a doctor myself, but I was depressed for months, and I knew that I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I told my mom and she scheduled an appointment for me. It might feel like your in this alone, but you have friends and family that will be there for you. And don't see a regular physician, you need to see a psychiatrist. I'm sure things will turn out fine.
I'm so glad you made a doctor's appointment! It's a long and scary road but it'll be worth it in the long run. Remember, you are not alone, and things WILL get better. X
Definitely go back to see your regular doctor. I'm assuming the questionnaire was the standard "is this person depressed?" one, and I don't know why he changed his mind about giving it to you. I'm well-aware that some doctors believe that the public is over-medicated, but that doesn't mean one should simply laugh off anyone who comes in with the symptoms. Lex
it sounded like your doctor was an ass. they're supposed to listen to you and make you feel like you have something to say. definetly don't give up on seeing a doctor altogether- try another, or go see your normal one
Go see your regular doctor. They should have asked a series of questions that would indicate whether you are experiencing symptoms of depression. It sounds to me like you are. I don't understand why he'd have you come back in 2 weeks... but go back.
I am really sorry and angry that this was your experience. I think it takes a special courage to share the way you feel with another person because there is no way to justify it in the way you might know you are right in discussing politics even if others don’t believe you. It is exactly this kind of reaction that I always fear, and why it had taken me so long to open up. I know from experience that it take real courage to face your problems head on when there is such a stigma about mental health, and I am glad you are continuing to seek out someone who will help you. See your personal doctor, but I would also suggest trying to see a mental health professional of some sort. (I am not sure how this works in Scotland so maybe this is not possible to do independently) I think they will be a lot more open to listening to you. I think that the advice that you should try to think positively is also really ignorant on the part of the doctor. As anyone who has ever gone through depression or even just a bad day knows, you can’t just tell yourself to be happy. I find this to be the most frustrating part being unable to control your feelings even when you know they are not productive. Hang in there, and remember that someone is always around here if you need to get something off your chest.
Thanks a lot guys for all the advice and support, it really helps The questionnaire was indeed something to evaluate whether a person is depressed or not, I didn't get a good look at it but it seemed liked a number of questions with multiple choice answers. I've no idea why he changed his mind about giving me it. I'm just trying to put this down as a bad experience, some of the things he said did seem really ignorant for a doctor, but I guess I just got unlucky. I'm going to see how I feel over the next week or so and then maybe make an appointment to see my usual doctor. I'm not entirely sure how the medical system works here Marlowe, but I don't think I could go directly to a mental health professional directly, not on the NHS anyway, I think you'd probably have to be referred to one by your GP. I'll look into it though. I feel a lot better today for some reason, its strange that one day I can feel really down and then the next day I feel totally fine, for no apparent reason :s I guess that's what I'm trying to get answered by these doctors. I'll see how it goes. Thanks again
Yea, that doctor was terrible! What a quack. I'm sorry you had that experience. You explained what's frustrating you the best you could and he didn't take you seriously or try to make you more comfortable. I can imagaine how you felt humiliated, but that was the doctor's fault, not yours. I know exactly how you can be feeling ok one day, then just fall into the dumps. Sometimes something small will get me on that downward spiral. Just when I think I should make an appointment with a counselor/psych, then I feel better the next day and I don't. Maybe just explaining to your friends what you explained to us and how you feel like you don't explain it well would be enough for them to relate to you and admit they've felt that way too. "I have no right to be unhappy. And yet I am. I don't even know why and its destroying me inside." Tell them that. You're not trying to make them pity you, you're just being honest. You could also tell them how you like being with them, yet when this feeling comes around, you can hardly get out to see them. I bet someone you know has felt the same way and they're unwilling to talk about it too. Just look how many people here recognize how you're feeling based on what you typed. I hope it goes better with your regular doctor and you get the help you need. Take care and let us know how it goes and how you're doing. (*hug*)
Thanks very much for the reply I think you're right in that I need to be more open about how I feel with those close to me. I have told a friend about how I felt last week and my doctor's appointment etc and it felt good to get it off my chest somewhat. I could do with telling others though I guess. I can totally relate to the ups and downs, right now I feel ok, but I know I can randomly hit a downer again for no reason. You're probably right about these feelings being more common than we tend to think, I think most people wear a mask. I'm going to see how I get on over the next week or so and then try and see my doctor, hopefully I'll get more help there. At least I feel like I'm doing something about it now. Thanks again
