So I mentioned I went to a BBQ this weekend with some members of an online support group. Then we walked around the town, which is a gay vacation spot. Loved every minute of it. One of my new friends invited me to go to a meetup at a coffee shop last night. I got there a few minutes early, then proceeded to completely freak out and bail. Yes, I have anxiety and my refill wasn't ready for pick up yesterday, so I didn't have my daily dose of meds. Still, I was thinking about it later (it took several hours, much yoga breathing and a self-hynposis tape. lol) and I realized I just wasn't ready to be identified to the rest of the world yet, ie-no one I know is going to be at a gay vacation spot, but someone I know might definitely be at a downtown coffee shop. And then, to top it off, I decided to watch Priscilla, Queen of the Desert on Netflix. There's a scene where a bunch of rednecks paint AIDS FUCKERS GO HOME on their bus. And it all came back to me. THAT is why I was never able to admit any of this to myself for all those years. As much as I fancy myself a non-conformist, I simply couldn't take the rejection that being gay means, even in this day and age. Not wthout proper medication, anyway.... I hate that I'm actually that desperate for the approval (or at least lack of rejection) by people that don't even know me and, therefore, don't really care. But there it is. I have to face that, otherwise I'll never get over it. And I DO want to get over it. I've gotten as far as being comfortable walking down the street with painted toes and a toering. But I guess I have a long way to go. Baby steps, I guess....
I can say I understand this totally. I mean I mentioned in a former post my mini freak out of trying to ask for Bisexual literature in my malls books store. Just couldn't do it. I left as a result. So you are aware that you are struggling and that's good and even better you are working on it so, you will get there it just takes time. Only thing I have to ask is doesn't a toe ring annoy your foot? I mean I know for me it would be like something was stuck between my toes all day. Its the one bit of jewelry I just don't get. It seems like it would be super annoying.
>Only thing I have to ask is doesn't a toe ring annoy your foot? Not at all! I'm not even aware of it, except when I look at it and then I think, "Damn, that's cute!" lol
LOL I can admit they can look good but I cant even wear toe socks or thong sandals so they are not for me.
