I'm a 21 year old college student and have known i have an attraction to men probably since i was about 8, though i've never had any sort of relationship with a man. I am attracted to women also but i think it's about 65%/35% men to women. I'm a pretty masculine guy and i don't think any of my friends or family suspect that i am this way. My parents are the most homophobic people i know. They're hardcore conservative catholics and my mom has told me somewhat jokingly that i could be anything in the world i.e. a felon, a hardcore leftist, a satanist, but if i was a homosexual then she would really have a problem. I know you guys are probably thinking fuck em, but aside from their views on gays they are the most loving and understanding people i have ever known, and everything i am today (aside from my orientation) i owe to my mom. They really are great great parents. I'm trying to decide if getting in touch with my homosexual side is worth severing a relationship as stong as the one i have with my parents. I've struggled with deppression and anxiety and i've attributed alot of it with my inability to accept myself.
I'm sort of in the same situation, as my dad is actually a Pastor. I really don't think that a family relationship is worth breaking for a 'love' relationship at all. But I do believe that you parents will continue to love you just the same if you do decide to as you say "get in touch with your homosexual side." You may also have already thought through this, but just because you are attracted to guys doesn't automatically make you a homosexual. By the way, welcome to EC!
Well you have three options. One is to learn all you can and talk about it with your parents. They may be more understanding then you think. As has been said many times here most people are more understanding when its someone that they know let alone their own son. Even if they are not understanding right away they are likely to come around. Two, is to hide it from your and explore it any how. It would be hard but not impossible. It also would make any relationship hard but it is possible The last and in my opinion worst option is to try to oppress it. That often leads to depression and various other personal troubles. To live a lie and never explore yourself fully is not going to be good for you. To me its not worth it when likely your parents will accept you.
I actually don't think that many of people here would speak ill of your parents. Yes, their attitudes have made it hard for you, no doubt, but all of us develop prejudices based upon our experiences and beliefs -- whether we admit it or not. For one of us to judge your parents, whom you describe as wonderful, would itself be a prejudice. The way you describe it is quite different from lets say the antipathy of Fred Phelps. I hope your parents accept you if and when you choose to come out and it sounds like it is not entirely impossible. I would like to add something another ECer wrote elsewhere: "We can pull out all our analytical skills and try to gauge how your family will respond, or we can simply trust and demand that those who owe us unconditional love to keep true to their responsibilities." That being said, I think that you should not worry about coming out for the moment. Focus instead, on accepting it yourself. I definitely have experienced a lot of anxiety and depression about being in the closet, and after a lot of pondering and also falling in love, I have come to be much more accepting of myself and many of those negative feelings have been relieved. So even though, I am not out yet, I am at least in a much more healthy emotional state. I think that you will find that it is hard to imagine that others might accept you for being bi if you cannot accept it yourself.
sometimes people bad things and jokes about minorities because they do not know any and all they have seen or heard are sterotypes. however, when they become friends with one, many of their preconceived notions are quickly dismissed and they begin to accept that person and their entire race a bit more. same with the gays and bis. basically, get to know yourself first. if you are 21 and anxiety ridden, guess what, it's only going to get worse until you deal with the cause of the anxiety. with that said, i do not think you should cut ties with your parents or halt your own positive self exploration. you're going to have to deal with it some day are you are going to be married or walking down the aisle guilt ridden. whether you marry a girl or a guy or decide to live as an asexualized hermit, those are your own choices but at least do one that fits wiht what you want for your life. once you have more info on who you are and if after that you feel a life of pursuing men is what you want, then your parents are goign to have to know because you are close and why cut them off out of fear that they will cut you off. you may be surprised how they feel. there's only one way to know. i do think though if you feel you will be bashed or have to live in a hostile living environment, hold the info in until you can get out on your own.
Hey, thanks for the responses guys. I think i'll stick around, this seems like a place that could be of some real help. Another problem is i live in a small town and the two gay bars are right near all the bars all of my friends go to and i'm kind of nervous about being spotted. Maybe I ought to take a road trip.
well i live in a major metro area and i thoiught i could hide in the clubs but i was spotted and have spotted people i know. it honestly depresses me because it makes me feel like "wow, the gay world is really that small". anyway, yes, take a road trip. you will feel less stressed about "who is going to see me" paranoia and you can have a better time at the club/bar. when i have been out of my local area i feel more relaxed and less paranoid. but if you go alone be very careful. remember, noone is going to know where you are. so do not take anybody home or to your hotel with you from teh bar/club, do not tell people where you are staying. if you meet someone, you can take their number but dont gives yours out unless you absolutely feel it's ok. just go, research and observe and relax and particupate but be careful. also, if you will be alone. only have one drink. you mkust watch your own back and dont get wasted.
I am sorry you're having a hard time. *hugs* I would, if I were you, continue with your self-exploration before you make any definitive statements to your parents. Right now, if you tell them you're 'confused' their most likely answer will be something along the lines of, "confusion is normal, don't worry, you're not gay/bi." Also, you're a college student? Are you on a big campus or a small one? It might be worth covertly checking out their activities and seeing if there is an LGBT alliance or support group. The nice thing about places like that is they are a safe haven you can go where people respect your privacy. It's going to be less likely that someone you know catches wind of it than if you go to a gay club. Also, as someone else said sometimes it can be dangerous to go out alone. There you are likely to meet a friend who will go with you. Maybe you can take a roadtrip together and make a fun week end of it? As for the 65/35 split, yes, that is completely possible and normal. Sexuality is fluid. And as for your parents, you'd be surprised at how well SOME conservative people react to their children being gay/bi. Do you have a loving relationship on the whole? If neither of your parents is particularly emotionally/physically abusive it is unlikely they will do a complete 180. That is not to say, of course, that they will be completely happy, but often times it takes someone close to you to enlighten your views. One scenario could be that they say, "well we don't like it, and we won't accept it, and you can't bring any men home but you're still our son." Not ideal, but plausible. Also, there are a lot more liberal voices in the catholic church than one would expect, particularly involving homosexuality. I will do some research and repost with any useful links of I find them. Good luck!
Yes we do have a great relationship, and no they never have physically or verbally abused me. But they really are the most homophobic people i know. They have a serious moral objection to it. Even if they could suck it up and try to tolerate me if i did ever come out, i know it would absolutely break my moms heart all the same.
This might feel a bit heartless: but I think you need to not be afraid to break your mother's heart if in doing so you live your life the way you want. Ultimately, our lives are our own to live, and I think if you're living happily and healthily, you parents will come around if they love you: which it seems like yours do. Take some time to find yourself, and in finding yourself, and don't worry too much about what your parents will think about everything. Chances are highest that they'll love you no matter what.
Hi, Peter and welcome to EC! First, it's great that you've found EC and feel comfortable talking about your situation. Second, let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. When I met him, he was 21 and just coming out. Like you, he is somewhat bisexual but mostly gay. Also like you, his mom is uber conservative, Christian, and very devout. And his two siblings are "fuck ups" in a way, both have had drug issues and trouble keeping a job, so he is the "perfect son." The idea of coming out to his parents was simply not even an option to him, because he didn't want to disappoint his mom, he didn't want to ruin her image of him as the "perfect son", and she had said some very homophobic things. Fast forward a year. He'd been in a relationship with a guy for a bit over a year. He'd introduced his "friend" to his parents as just someone he hung out with. Both he and his friend are very straight looking and acting, so much so that even gay people rarely suspect they're gay. Over time, his friend would come over for dinner with the parents, or show up at family events, so likely his mom was able to put 2+2 together, but she never said anything. Finally, about 18 months into his relationship, he decided to tell his mom. Her response was "I knew it!" (in a very positive way) and basically a "Why did you wait so long to tell me." Obviously, in the intervening time, his mom had time to wonder and suspect and think about it and go through all the normal stages of loss that parents go through, so that when he finally came out to her, it was a non-issue. He's still the perfect son, his parents love his boyfriend and include him in everything the family does together, and really couldn't be more accepting. The overall point here is... you've already said your parents are wonderful, amazing, supportive people. And that means they'll eventually come around to accepting this part of you, their son. Not begrudgingly, but lovingly and without reservation. I know that sounds impossible, but I assure you it isn't. The overwhelming majority of stories told here at EC (and most everywhere else) show the same thing... even with the most conservative, religious parents, it is very rare for them to not eventually come around and be fine with it. Sometimes it takes some time for that to happen -- a week, a month, in rare cases 6 months or longer -- but with very, very few exceptions, parents who have spent 15 or 20 years raising their kids, and loving and supporting them, are simply incapable of shutting them out. When they have to reconcile religion and their love for their own children, it really isn't much of an argument for most parents, even for the most religious. Loving your own children wins every time. If it doesn't, then the parents are really, really fucked up, and that doesn't sound like your parents. I'm also going to throw you a curveball: I suspect your mom already has her suspicions, in spite of your insistence that you're quite masculine. Parents generally don't throw lines like "Well, you can be a felon, but you better not be a homosexual" out unless there's some reason to do so. And when you ask nearly every mother of a gay son, some months after their son has come out, whether or not she had an inkling her son might be gay, nearly every mother responds that yes, when she thinks about it, there was a part of her that already knew or suspected. Mothers, in particular, seem to have a remarkably accurate 6th sense about this, and my suspicion is that your mom is already thinking about this in the back of her mind, hence the "you better not be gay" comment... that's essentially an early form of denial. Which brings me to the last piece: If you haven't already read about it, everyone who experiences any sort of loss processes it in stages. In your case (and your parents), it would be the loss of your identity as a straight man. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So the preemptive "you better not be gay" is a form of denial; "if I say I don't want him to gay, he won't be." Once you get past that, then the anger comes up and that can suck, but usually passes pretty quickly. And then the bargaining... "Well, maybe it's only a phase..." or "Well, you're not really gay, you just haven't found the right girl" or whatever. (Bargaining can also consist, sometimes but not always, of things like "Well I'm 65% gay and 35% straight", when the reality might be more like 95%/5%... not saying that's the case, but it isn't uncommon.) And if you're saying you're 65% gay (taking that at face value), I don't think it would even be possible to simply ignore it and "play it straight"... if you read some of the stories here from our many members who are coming out later in life, it is generally not a pretty picture. They're stuck with unraveling marriages, dealing with kids and angry wives, and all sorts of things. So it's a lot better to deal with it early, as you're doing. Feel free to discuss any other questions or concerns you may have... it's always a challenge, but I can promise you that as you work through it more in your own mind, you'll find it's not nearly as upsetting and scary as you thought it might be. And if you have anything you'd like to talk to me or any of the other advisor team about, feel free to send any of us a PM.
Guys I really really appreciate all the responses and support. I feel like i've come a long way just in the last 24 hours. Obviously yes i definately need to experiment and do some self discovering before i can even consider taking any of this to my parents. I guess all my life i've just been kind of concerned that once i take that first step there will be no turning back. But all of you are right, oppressing it is just going to create more hardship and dissapointment in my life. I think the journey starts now : )
