A Rant - Advice welcome if you wish :)

So this is me ranting because I've got a lot on my mind these days and my mind basically is about to explode from frustration....

Many of us, not all but hopefully many, love our parents. They're generally always there for you when you need them, sometimes when you're not, but in most cases they're going to pick you up when you fall, and help give you that gentle/forceful push when you need it to keep going with your life. My mother and father (well...step-father but he's more a Dad than my real one) have always been a constant in my life. Sometimes they spoil me with game systems, etc, and frankly my mother and I even still act playing with my stuffed animals, giving them voices, because I think both of us always want to keep that part of my childhood alive. (As silly as it is, I wouldn't want it any other way). And although there have been times when my mother has gone over the edge a bit in her anger, she always turns back around because truthfully, I don't think she can stand to be mad at me forever. We're both important to one another, and as good or possibly bad as it is, we both influence each other quite substantially.

But this is often where a problem comes in. I feel sometimes that I've gotten to the point where that influence my mother has has effected/affected me both emotionally, mentally and potentially even a bit psychologically. For one thing, the thought of me potentially losing my mother when I decided to come out the second time (she freaked the first time, went back in the closet) was almost too much for me to bear. I know we have to grow and become individuals and in some ways I have become one, I mean I live away from my parents, pay my own rent, my own tuition, and somehow still can enjoy the funner things in life too, like movies, etc. But at the same time, I think that I still have that attachment and influence in my life. I don't want to make my mother upset often, and as a result, instead of standing up to her in some cases like I should, I back down for fear of upsetting her. I once thought maybe I was afraid of my mother but I think the thing I'm most afraid of isn't of her, but of hurting her, whether it's hurting her feelings, hurting her impression of me, and hurting her to the point where she leaves me. So I back down, when she says things I don't agree with, instead I just go "uh-huh...yeah...i understand". And my father, even if he does feel differently, he isn't someone who can control my mother. If she's upset, he basically lets her go at it because he knows (as do I, I suppose) she will calm down eventually, she just often lets her emotions get the better of her.

The thing is...there are things I really wish I could stand up to her about. First is the fact she is ashamed of who I am dating. My mom basically has this perfect mold of who I should date, and while it was once my best friend L, once I told her I was gay once again, and I suppose five months later she's more or less accepted I'm never going to be with a girl, she has changed that mold to the perfect guy. BUT, my boyfriend of almost a year does not fit that mold to her and it's starting to affect me. Several things include "his teeth are horrible, if your relationship is so open and honest, can't you ask him to get his teeth whitened?" and "when he met us, he looked like he had just gotten out of a trash can." oh and of course "I'd expect you had the taste to date someone like Prince William...not [insert name of a dirty (non-sexual lol) character from a cartoon or tv show here]." Though I personally would date Harry over William any day, I still think it's absolutely ridiculous and pisses me off. Unfortunately because of her influence I find myself sometimes doubting my relationship with my bf because at the same time I'm always so wanting to please my mother, the thought can't seem to hammer in my mind "this is about YOU not HER".

Then of course there is the school thing...which of course is lovely. Basically as many mothers do, she's concerned about what's going to happen following postgraduate which frankly while I myself am currently trying to figure out myself, don't get me wrong, I just wish she would stop suggesting all these things I don't really have interest in. I mean some things she suggests I do have a bit of interest in, Journalism, Public Relations, all good ideas, but some things like being a headhunter for Human Relations its just like...they're kinda more aggressive people, something I'm NOT. So it's just kinda like, wtf let me figure it out :S

Sorry for the rant I just needed to get some things off my chest.

Night all!

 

@Wanderer: I understand where you're coming from. And I definitely in NO way think I've got it horrible, it's more just when my mother lectures me it can be frustrating but I do know she's just looking out for me. And no matter how much it frustrates me, I appreciate it so much.