i didn't know (or at least didn't consciously know) i was anything other than straight, until i fell HARD for a woman at work. it was great at first, we'd talk every night on facebook, and usually spent at least a few minutes first thing every morning talking to each other. she'd do little affectionate things that were probably quite inappropriate for the workplace, but i loved at the time. things went to hell in a handbasket fast, though, and now we do not speak at all. she even blocked me on facebook. it's actually probably for the best; in retrospect, i can see what everyone told me all along, that she is manipulative and a user and would only hurt me. my head knows that anyway, my heart is still catching up, as i'm still pretty hung up on her. anyway, i'm leaving in a month, so as much as it hurts to see her and hear her voice, i know that part only temporary. lately, though, i've been finding myself resenting her - not necessarily for stomping on my heart (well, that too), but more for making me "discover" and have to deal with the fact that i'm not straight. in retrospect, there were other signs, but not so blatant that i ever had to acknowledge them . . . but she came after me (i initially wanted nothing to do with her) and i fell for her like a ton of bricks, in a way that i simply couldn't ignore. i don't want to deal with this! by now i know i have to at least be bisexual, but i wish i could just put the genie back in the bottle and not know this. and is it weird that i almost would prefer to be lesbian than bisexual . . . i'm mixed-race and i guess i just don't want to once again be neither here nor there!
First things first, (*hug*) I'm sorry that your crush broke your heart. That really sucks. She doesn't sound like a very good person and it's good that you know that now, as opposed to the future when you might have had more invested in the relationship. Secondly, I get what you're saying about not wanting to deal with it, but the reality is, if it wasn't her, it might have been someone else and then you'd have to deal with it anyway, so while it might be convenient to resent her, this likely would have happened in any case, with or without her influence. If not now, then in the future. Third, maybe try not to think of bisexuality as "neither here nor there". It really is a sexual orientation all it's own, just like being gay or straight. Then, at least, if you do wind up finding out that you're bi, thinking about it as its own individual thing will likely make it easier to accept. All that being said, this is the crappy part of figuring out your sexual orientation. It does get better with a little time and little introspection and a little bit of reading Which is easy to find here on EC!
i guess i know it's not really *her* fault, but i keep thinking, if only she'd just left me alone and not pursued me . . . or i think that maybe i can just forget about this, maybe it was just her, just a fluke, and it'll never come up again. and at such a bad time too. ironically, i spent my entire school year avoiding guys so i wouldn't be distracted while studying for the bar exam, and then i go and fall for a woman! :bang: wtf me. i hope someday i'll actually be grateful she made me face this part of myself, but right now it just seems like so much hassle, and i'm not sure what to do with myself. the local PFLAG chapter has a support group meeting in a couple weeks, i'm considering going, but i'm kind of scared to, too, because it makes it more real. like, what if i see someone i know . . . yikes
Let me start by stating that all of what I am about to write is under the assumption that eventually you would have figured out that you were not straight. I knew for at least the past 8 years I was attracted to guys. It was miserable, though because I didn't want to be gay. I just couldn't imagine being happy with a guy even if it would satisfy me physically. On the side, I still had romantic crushes on girls even if I was not really interested in doing anything more than holding hands. It was not until I fell in love with my straight best friend that I finally came to grips with all of this, and began to accept myself as gay. When this happened, I suddenly could imagine being fully happy with another man. So, in this way, this girl may have saved you a lot of angst by allowing you to realize in one fell swoop that you were not straight as well as the possibility of having a loving relationship. Even if it did not end well, the good time were what they were. Hope this helps.
i suppose it's wishful thinking to believe that maybe i never would have figured it out, had this not happened with her. if not her, there probably would have been someone else down the road. i do get crushes on guys, but have little interest in doing anything with them besides cuddling and sometimes kissing. with her, i wanted a whole lot more than that. (nothing ever really happened though, which is actually a good thing. it would have led to a whole lot more trouble.) i'm at a crossroads in my life already, about to start a whole new career, so maybe the timing isn't that bad after all. but i almost feel lost in a way, like, well now what?
dammit! and to make matters worse, there's quite a large lgbt community not half an hour from my house - but she lives there and is involved with or runs a lot of the major events. a local amusement park (not too far from where either of us live, but much closer to where we both work) is having a lgbt party night next weekend, and i was considering going. and now i find out this morning that SHE is hosting, and so now i can't go. (we're not supposed to have contact w/ each other outside of work.) this is incredibly frustrating . . . i feel like because of her i'll never be able to attend any of these events, even if i want to!
You're not supposed to have contact out of work? Did you guys decide this? If so, I think it is fair for you to go to the amusement park that night. You don't have to talk to her, it's a free country. If there was some legal reason, then well I guess you're right. But if this is a made up rule, grab a friend (maybe a new one from pflag!) and go have fun.
HR dictated it. I wont be working there anymore a month from now, but I am transferring to somewhere else (same global employer, but totally different job/location/division, etc) for the next year. after that I'll almost certainly be working for a different employer entirely so technically I could go then. I just don't want to start any trouble. I also don't want any contact w her
