I hope it's okay to post this on here, as the problem isn't really to do with my beig a part of the LGBT community, and more to do with my emotional issues. I have ways been incredibly emotionally sensitive. It is very easy to make me cry or get me angry, and I was a prime target for bullies when I was younger. As I have grown, I have tried to combat this problem, but rather than it being solved, I've just learned to hide it better, but little things still hurt me deeply. An example of this happened today when I was out to dinner with a few good friends. My one friend, J, turned to me and held out her bill and said, "I don't really know what to tip this girl." I began talking, and said, "well, 10% of that is $1.30 and - ." She immediately interrupted me and snapped, "I know that! Sometimes you act like I don't know anything! I'm six years older than you." I was shocked, mortified, and felt humiliated at being called out in front of our friends. I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like that." she rolled her eyes and said, "I know you don't, but you do it all the time." I shrugged and let her pay her bill, but inside I felt horribly insecure, and also kind of angry. Why did she ask if she didn't want the help? Why did she snap at me in front of everyone? Since that happened I have been stewing over it and I feel really upset, but I don't know whether I should confront her about it. I also simply can't think of how I would have made her feel that way. Should I talk to her about it? One thing I will say is that J snaps at people a lot, and so part of me feels like I shouldn't take it personally, but it still hurts my feelings. I feel so abnormal that something this small has me crying and worrying about the state of our friendship. The funny thing too? J talks down to people, all the time. I try not to let it get to me but I feel affronted that apparently offering advice (when someone asks you for it) is talking down to someone, but it's okay for her to make in of my driving or something (I've only been driving for a year - late learner). It's not just her, either. I react terribly to a lot of small situations. Why am I so hyper sensitive?
The best way to handle this sort of problem is to go into therapy. In your case, group therapy would probably be more beneficial than one-on-one. If you're in college (which given your age you may be), your school may provide free or reduced-charge therapy.
Before I discuss he more holistic issue, let's tackle the specific example. >>>An example of this happened today when I was out to dinner with a few good friends. My one friend, J, turned to me and held out her bill and said, "I don't really know what to tip this girl." I began talking, and said, "well, 10% of that is $1.30 and - ." She immediately interrupted me and snapped, "I know that! Sometimes you act like I don't know anything! I'm six years older than you." I was shocked, mortified, and felt humiliated at being called out in front of our friends. I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like that." she rolled her eyes and said, "I know you don't, but you do it all the time." I shrugged and let her pay her bill, but inside I felt horribly insecure, and also kind of angry. Why did she ask if she didn't want the help? Why did she snap at me in front of everyone? Because you take it. Seriously. If this had been a friend of mine and myself, after she snapped at me for being "six years older than you", I might've said "Uh, wasn't done. That '10% of the bill' was step one. There was more. But if you're going to ask for help, and then leap down my throat when I try to explain, then perhaps you can just work these things out on your own." Now it MAY be that it isn't what you said, but how you said it. Your "10% of the bill" comment reads innocently enough, but if you happened to say it with a condescending tone, or like one might say it to a five-year-old, then yeah, I can imagine somebody getting upset. So you might verify to yourself that you said it factually. On to the bigger issue. And honestly, I don't know if it's your hypersensitivity. J snaps at people a lot. J talks down to people, all the time. J makes fun of your driving after you finally learned how. Why the hell is she your friend? Lex
How are you? Heh, I'm exactly like that. :3 I boil over the slightest hint of rudeness too. To be honest, we are definitely taking things too personally. I don't get it either but I find that after I feel that someone has (to me) sufficiently endured my ranting, I get over it. Anyway, my advice is to focus on what you did right instead of what you might have done wrong. Now, I admit that it's no cure but it does lessen the sting. Hope I helped. X3 Don't feel bad about it though, there's absolutely nothing wrong about feeling things so much, you just to need a bit more assurance to cope with abrasive personalities. (*hug*)
Hey Mel, I feel the same way that you do. I get way too emotional about things when I know that I shouldnt. Ill stew over things and be upset for hours and sometimes days over trivial things like someone cutting me off on the freeway or rude comments. When I was younger I used to lash back in retaliation(sp?) and put someone back in their place but now I tend to just to let it go. It will still bother me for some time though until I forget about it. One thing that helps me is venting to a friend about the whole situation and when Im done I usually feel alot better. My wall is always open if you need a friend to vent to <3 Stephany
Thanks everyone for your comments! Over much thinking I realized that although I AM oversensitive, J was also being a bitch. I just let it get to me too much. I spoke to her about it, and the convo went something like this: J: So Hooters the other day sucked, huh? M: Yeah, about that, I didn't appreciate the way you put me down in front if our friends about the check thing. J: Well, it pissed me off, I mean, I KNOW how to make ten percent of a tip. I just didn't know whether to tip her well or badly because our waitress sucked. M: Okay, well that wasn't clear. I thought you were having trouble with the math. J: Why would you assume I don't know how to do math? M: I never said that. I often have trouble calculating tips. Do you think I'm stupid? J: No. M: Well I don't think you are either. You can't fault me for misunderstanding your question. J: Well, you talk down to me in ther ways too. M: Oh? How so? J: Well sometimes you tell me things that I already know. M:...His the hell am I supposed to know what's in your head? If you already know something just tell me. Don't build up all your frustration and then snap at meat inappropriate times. J: I'm just afraid if I tell you you won't want to be friends anymore. M: I was more pissed off that you snapped at me. Just because I'm younger than you doesn't mean you get to treat me like shit. You may think that I talk down to you but sometimes you treat me like crap. How do you expect to keep friends if you can't communicate honestly? J: I guess you're right. M: Yeah, I am. I FELT AWESOME!!! I still cry over little things and get anxiety attacks, but I'm learning to stand up for myself. Thank you guys.
I was the same way, and I also started "standing up for myself," as you said in the above post. One thing I would be conscious about, however, is how mature you're being when you're doing the "standing up." I had a tendency to go overboard with it (mostly because when I would stand up for myself on one occasion I would also be remembering all the other occasions I was treated like crap by this particular person), and it caused me to lose a couple of friends. However, I've learned, and if you're the same as me you will too It does feel good - especially when you handle it the right way.
You're right about going overboard. I have a tendency to do that too. Since then though J and I have been good. I know I have to watch myself because sometimes I over-explain my feelings and then it's like I'm badgering someone. Thank you for your advice!
