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We are struggling with a seemingly impossible situation

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GlindaRose, Jul 31, 2011.

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  1. GlindaRose

    GlindaRose
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    Dear EC,

    This is a post from both myself and my (girlfriend?), sparkles xx (also on EC). Therefore when you give advice, please be aware that you are directing it to both of us, not just to me.

    The two of us are desperate to be together, but because of the circumstances we are finding it really difficult. The circumstances are as follows:

    Her ex-boyfriend, M, is both my friend and housemate. I met her through him. Then they broke up, one of the reasons being that she was attracted to me. Hence if we are together it'll be really awkward for me and M. This has caused a lot of guilt for me as I feel like I'm betraying a friend, but at the same time, I am unable to stop myself wanting to be with Sparkles.

    M has made it clear that he would not be happy with us being together. But M is now her ex, and it feels to me like he should technically have no control over the situation as she doesn't belong to him anymore.

    The other factor is distance. We don't go to the same uni, and my home is technically on the other side of the world. It's been 3 weeks since we started being together, and in all that time we haven't seen each other even once. However, in a few days I am going to visit her for a day and we might not be able to stop ourselves from kissing etc. even though this will feel like a betrayal to M.

    At the moment every outcome seems like it's going to have negative consequences. If we stay together, M gets hurt. If we don't, we get hurt. If we stay together and things get rough between me and M, then I get hurt from the loss of friendship. It feels like no matter what we do there's going to be hurt all around.

    We just want to be together freely and openly, that's all we ask.

    Please help us!
     
    #1 GlindaRose, Jul 31, 2011
  2. sparkles xx

    sparkles xx
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    Dear Ec,
    I am sparkles, as mentioned above.

    I was with my ex for 3.5 years and we always joked about me being gay or bi and so it was something he knew about me but perhaps didn't take very seriously. He and I are very different people and this thing between me and heatqueen showed me that my relationship with M wasn't working out. M understands that I am attracted to women but finds it hard to believe that I would want to be with a woman.
    Anyway so yeah the situation is as heatqueen said we really want to be together but it's such a difficult situation and neither of us want to hurt M.
    Thanks for your help on this!
     
    #2 sparkles xx, Jul 31, 2011
  3. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    wow thats alot to deal with . I dunno what id do but i know id be happy with my girl friend even though my ex might not accept it
     
    #3 Mercy, Jul 31, 2011
  4. GlindaRose

    GlindaRose
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    That would be all very well if said ex wasn't my housemate and one of my closest uni friends, though.
     
    #4 GlindaRose, Jul 31, 2011
  5. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    * Hugs To Both Of You *
     
    #5 Mercy, Jul 31, 2011
  6. Lexington

    Lexington
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    You basically have two options, and allow me to cast them in the way I see them.

    You can be martyrs on the altar of "bros before hos".
    Or you can follow your heart and be in the relationship you both want to be in.

    It's nice that you're concerned by what M thinks and feels. But he knows. He knows that you two have feelings for each other. And if he cares about you the same way you care about him, he would want you both to be happy. And right now, you both have feelings for each other, and so a relationship makes sense. You're not doing this TO M. You're not getting into a relationship to make M feel bad. You're doing it because you're falling for each other. And that's the best - if not the only - reason for doing so.

    That doesn't mean you should tell M to just lump it. I'd say take M's feelings into consideration. Have a talk with him. Heat, you're probably the best person to take the lead on this. Let him know that you're planning on continuing the relationship. Let him know you're aware that this is probably not going to make him happy, and you feel bad about that. And ask how you can work around it. Can you stay away from your place when you two get together? If you have to be at your place, can you give him enough of a heads-up so he at least can make plans to be elsewhere? I'd say taking him on board on stuff like this will indicate 1. the relationship is going to go forward, and 2. you still care about him, and are cognizant of his feelings, and will do your best to minimize impact.

    Lex
     
    #6 Lexington, Jul 31, 2011
  7. GlindaRose

    GlindaRose
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    Thanks for replying, Lex. :slight_smile: You really do have a way of making these things make sense.

    Well, we just had a chat and we are going ahead with our visit in a few days, and have decided that we are going to be ourselves. Our logic (and your post) has told us that seeing each other on that day is none of M's business and that she's not his property. Therefore he doesn't have to know anything about this. If things go well then we might look at bringing M on board about things.
     
    #7 GlindaRose, Jul 31, 2011
  8. sparkles xx

    sparkles xx
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    Thank you very much for the advice. I think we are going to follow our hearts and try to take M's feelings into consideration. Thanks :grin:
     
    #8 sparkles xx, Jul 31, 2011
  9. Lexington

    Lexington
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    >>>Our logic has told us that seeing each other on that day is none of M's business and that she's not his property. Therefore he doesn't have to know anything about this.

    I agree with the first part, but not the latter. Technically, yes, he doesn't have to know about it. But I think it's best to approach this openly. By doing so, you're letting him know "we're going to continue this relationship, but we understand how you feel, and we care enough to do what we can to minimize the impact it might have on you". But it'll be up to you.

    Lex
     
    #9 Lexington, Jul 31, 2011
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