Hi everybody.. I've had a difficult couple of days, being gay is really getting exhausting. I've never been in a relationship. It took me decades (I've just turned thirty) to let myself be gay. And it wouldn't have happened yet if it wasn't for a new guy who'd come to work in my company. We work in the same office and we got to know each other pretty well, we found each other interesting, we became friends. He is an incredible person, in all respects. He is the youngest in the office and he turned everything upside down. Everybody likes him. With time, seeing how genuinely open-minded and ready to help he is, and me being closeted, depressed and clueless about what to do, I began speaking to him, eventually came out and he switched into his problem-solving mode. He connected me with a therapist, he made me go to a gay-audience movie screening, but most of all: he spoke to me, always openly, always with a perfect amount of sympathy and advice. Two days ago I told him I had a crush on him. Today we spoke in more details and I told him I'm more or less in love with him. He said immediately that he didn't mind. I said something along the lines "I know you know I know there can never be anything between us.. in that sense it's great because we can talk about this completely openly". And nothing can be between us, that's absolutely sure. He's straight, really unquestionably straight. And here's my problem.. we work in the same office, maybe a meter apart. It's killing me. It's physically painful to be that close to him eight hours a day every day. And we are friends.. we went for a coffee today (on Sunday) and ended up talking about me wanting desperately to hold him. I want to be with him, not just because of any romantic feelings, but also because I want him to be my friend. We share so many same interests and I love being with him. But it's hurting me so bad.. It hurts when he comes in the morning, it's killing me the whole day and then when we go home the emptiness hurts stronger still. I can't move away and give myself a break, I work with the guy. I can't tell him anything more then I already have, he knows everything. I can't talk to other people.. my friends who I came out to don't want to listen about gayness, a few relatives I told don't really understand and are too young and my therapist is on vacation starting tomorrow and who knows for how long. The other person I could talk to is a female friend who happens to be in relationship with the guy I'm in love with. Sorry for the rant, this turned to be a lot longer than I thought.. Is there any advice you could share? How do I live through this? I love him. I can't have him. I must be with him all the time. And I must be productive. I can't even think about anything else, let alone work.
ugh i am so sorry i am in a similar situation, crushing hopelessly on someone at work that i can't have. except she and i are no longer friends (she's even blocked me on facebook now), which is both better and worse in a way. better in the sense that at least i can avoid her completely and never have to talk to her, but also worse for the same reasons (i can't even make friendly chitchat with her). i sure do wish i had an answer for both of us
I'm in a similar situation too, however, whenever I try to distance myself he keeps getting closer. It's an unhealthy and toxic situation, however, we work together, see each other everyday, but he's selective in responses to texts or messages. I recently blocked him on FB so I didn't have outside contact coming into the inside disrupting my calm. It's a tough situation.
"unhealthy and toxic" are exactly the words i'd use to describe my situation, too. i'm going back to work after being out for 2 weeks, and i am simply dreading it. not because i hate my job - i don't, and i generally like my other coworkers - but because i am going to have to see her. it's so hard when it's someone at work bc you really just don't have a choice to get away from them. i'm at least leaving in a month, but this is definitely not how i'd hoped to spend my last month at a job i've had since i was fresh out of college.
I recently came out of a similar situation. I was hopelessly in love with my unquestionably straight best friend - who also happened to be in 4 of my 7 classes, and he was also my debate partner. Meaning we not only spent the normal amount of time as friends together, but we also spent 4 extra hours together every day in school, as well as countless hours after school and on the weekends for debate. It really is tough. My advice as far as keeping productive in the workplace would be to just block out everything EXCEPT what your current project is. Focus on doing the absolute best work you can at that moment in time, and then staying productive will be easier. As far as having a less painful friendship with him goes, I regret to tell you I don't really know what to say. The only reason that I came out of my situation is because my friend and I had a huge falling out and are no longer speaking. Which, needless to say, let me fall out of love with him after a while. However, that doesn't sound like something that will be happening to you any time soon. Maybe you should focus on trying to meet more gay people? Maybe you'll fall for someone that CAN feel the same way back In any case, *hug*
Hi, Dalmation, and welcome to EC. It's great that you've felt comfortable enough with this community to share your problem. I think a couple things are happening: First, I suspect this is first male person that's taken a genuine caring, supportive approach (other than perhaps your therapist) since you have come out, and so, naturally, it makes sense that this would make him seem really attractive and appealing to you. Second, because you are just coming out, the feelings you're having -- regardless of whether they were for an unattainable straight guy or for an available gay guy -- are going to be *incredibly* strong and difficult to control. That's actually a hormonal thing that isn't really within your conscious control. The challenge is what to do. And there's no simple answer. The one thing you should feel incredibly lucky about is the fact that you can be totally open and honest with him, and that it isn't upsetting or bothersome to him. But you also need to be cautious: Everyone has limits of what they feel comfortable with. This person sounds like a wonderful friend and it's important that you do your best to keep him as a friend, so you need to take steps to try and turn the heat down. If you don't, you may risk overwhelming him. So the first thing I'd suggest is to try and divert your energy. See if there are some activities you can go to where there might be other gay guys... if your area has a GLBT center, they probably have a "coming out" group for older gay men. If not, perhaps you can poke around and find a group. Where I am there are book clubs, hiking groups, outing clubs, potluck dinner groups, and various other activities for gay men. Your area may not have all of those, but it probably has at least some. The second thing to do is take some steps at work. If it gets too intense, just stop, breathe slowly, gently remind yourself that you *will* find someone that can love you back, and that keeping this friendship is important. That can help to regain your composure and deal with the strong feelings. And finally, just realize that the crush will pass. It will take some time, but it will, and if you handle things correctly, you will likely have a good, meaningful friendship for a long time. If it would be helpful to you, feel free to PM me or any of the other advisor team if you want to communicate in a less public setting.
Ah that sucks I am coming out of a situation where I really was crushing on my friend hard. I wonder sometimes if I pretty much just fell in love with her (even though it was one sided). She has a boyfriend now and I'm finding it difficult to interact with her, but that's a whole other topic. I think that Chip's advice is good. You have to go out there and find some other potential love interests. You just have to distract yourself, and see that your work friend isn't the only guy that you'll ever like. I'll tell you one thing, through my history of unrequited crushes on straight girls, you always think that the person you're currently crushing on is the perfect one and you'll never find someone as good as them again. But I'll tell you, you'll think the same thing about your next crush. Don't worry, it will happen. And I feel ya, I'm 27 and I'm just now accepting it all, and I still have yet to tell anyone.
Ah, thank you all.. I really am happy to have come across a forum full of people who can understand the position I'm in. I mean the whole coming out to yourself thing, not just the crush. In many other places I looked there is a flood of screamingly out, almost aggressive gay people overshadowing those whose experience I can share. Here, just looking at this thread, there's a bunch of people in the process of coming out or near it. And that's great. It's liberating to think there are others out there, equally (nhf) confused, worried, unable to cope on their own. Different approaches to deal with those problems are the kind of experience I need to hear about.
First off, thank you so much. You hit so many right spots that I feel better just reading your post. I know what I'm going through is far from unique and that there are people who deeply understand the problem, but it still shocks me to see how much they get right That's true (even truer, my therapist is a woman). He's the first person all together who took my homosexuality as a personal characteristic, as a fact more important than others only as much as it bothers me more. In that sense, he's still unique among people I'm close to. Granted, people I came out to are not many, precisely eight (the therapist included). So I can see what you are saying and I must agree. Although, he does possess qualities I would find attractive in any situation. God, they are strong.. I don't know if it makes any sense to rank emotions, but if it does, I would put my current state to the head of my all time emotion intensity chart. The depression I can live with, I've got used to it, I can harness its blackness for that paradoxical pulse of anger that somehow makes you almost enjoy it. But the anxiety, that takes away every bit of life force, it drops you to the bottom and then bullies you into nothing. I am aware of how precious that is. My best friend told me he's heard enough of my gay problems. Having someone ready to initiate a conversation about my sexuality when my first reflex is to sweep it under a carpet is incredible. And I really can be open with him (this morning he read this thread.. don't know if that was the greatest idea, but it happened almost accidentally). You are absolutely right, everyone has limits; and I don't want to push him to his. That's definitely my present intention. I just don't yet feel comfortable with so much exposure (a few people aside, I'm deeply closeted). I am trying to get some virtual quality time in gay atmosphere Ah, at work, I am starting a get up, get out of the room, scan the horizon, get back approach. It works ok with calming down when intensity goes into red. As for the PM advisor, thank you, I think I will be contacting you.
