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A Potentially Disasterous Christmas Dinner

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by vw1973, Jul 31, 2011.

  1. vw1973

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    Hi all,

    I need some advice. I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 years. I have been out for about 10 years, but I am her first long term girlfriend. One side of her family, her mother (her parents are seperated) are very accepting and open about our relationship, the other her Dad is not.

    Her father has been verbally abusive to her all her life and she suspects he may have been sexually abusive towards her, he still makes comments like she looks well (in her swimsuit) (she is 35 years old). Every time she meets him for lunch she comes home in tears, he is openly racist and has put our relationship down consistently and says nasty things. I have never met him, I have never been invited to any of that side of the families functions.

    However, all of a sudden he wants to meet me, he wants us to go over there for Christmas lunch which makes me very nervous. even his kids from his second marriage are racist and the girl has attended psychairists for years.

    My gut feeling is to run a mile, but my girlfriend has said that this is important to her and I should go...... help??!?
     
  2. dl72

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    I don't think you or her should go. Both of you should not put yourselves in that situation. It may not be good. Not worth it. She should not even see him if he is abusive towards her.
     
  3. Katelynn

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    First, welcome to EC! Second, this is really a matter of what you are comfortable with. If this is important to your girlfriend, tell her how you feel & why you feel that way. If she feels uncomfortable around them, she may also feel that she might not want you to go thru how she feels either. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't want to go either, nor would I want someone I love subject themselves to an uncomfortable situation just because they felt they had to.

    On another hand, if her dad has suddenly out of the blue invited you to an event, maybe consider why a person like that would be extending such an invitation. It's very remote that someone full of hatred & racism & homophobia will change, but there is a small chance that maybe this person might be trying to change in an effort to start a healthy relationship with people he cares about (from what you've told me, it's not likely tho). See if your girlfriend might know why all of a sudden he would extend an invitation like that & see what the response is, then make a decision based on what that answer is (or even if he's being honest about his reasons for inviting you).

    Personally, I agree with dl72, I don't think either of you should expose yourself to an environment of hatred and intolerance. It's just not worth being upset about...
     
  4. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid here, but this doesn't even seem SAFE to me. If this man is physically or sexually abusive and severly cruel and hateful to his daughter, completely disregarding you, except to insult your relationship...THEN suddenly has a change of heart and starts being nice and wanting you around, I would be suspicious of this man's motive. It's not like he's shown that he actually cares about hurting people.

    And even if I'm way off and it's not an unsafe situation, then it will likely be miserable and hurt you both emotionally, just like the previous lunches with her dad, and who the hell wants that?

    I don't know what you should say to your girlfriend, except that you're worried it's a bad idea and why you feel that way. I really don't know what else.

    But seriously, try and be safe.