As any of you who saw my introductory thread know, I was dumped around a month ago by this guy Alex. He broke my heart. But he's a loser, and I'm not, so he's out of my life and is not worthy of my time. Now I am getting close with this boy Nick. Nick and I have quite a history: I fell for him hard over the summer, but he decided to get drunk and break my heart via AIM, and for months we didn't speak. But we're friends again, and he's changed a lot since August. He quit smoking and has cut down with the drinking significantly, overall he's a lot happier and more positive. Lo and behold, I'm in love with him again, even more so than I was before. He's everything I want in a guy: six feet tall, with dark hair and brown eyes that you could drown in, lean body, dresses fashionably, is into theater and art (much like myself), listens to good music, and, to make him absolutely PERFECT, he's vegan. The boy is made for me. So this past week I told him that I like him, and he kind of freaked out at first, but then admitted that he really likes me as well, but something is holding him back from having a relationship with me, and he doesn't know what. He's under a lot of pressure: a lot of people are interested in him, and he's interested in a lot of people, and he's just really confused. This I can understand. My problem is that he is so polarizing. He can make me feel so special and beautiful one moment, and then he'll ignore me the next. It's so frustrating! For example, yesterday he and I planned to meet up at a park downtown, and he was heavily implying that we were going to make out and whatnot, which naturally I was excited for. However, due to difficulties with parents, the plans were canceled. Now he's been acting a bit distant, and I fear that such an encounter will probably never occur. He acts on impulses, which may in the end be the death of me. I want him so bad. He makes me feel so special. He gives the world's greatest hugs. He's my everything. But, is all of that enough for me to hold out for him? Or do you think he's just going to be a flighty "playa" for the rest of his life, and I should just move on? All I want is to be happy, and to know that I am capable of being loved. Nick can give me that, and he wants to (I think), but will he? Sorry if this is a bit incoherent, but it is 2:30 in the morning here. Thanks in advance.
You don't say how old Nick is, older than you I think if he is drinking. I ask about his age because if he is older and has less parental constraints he might be miffed that you are still under so much parental control... normal at your age. I think you need to talk to him clearly and say that you were really disappointed about the other day, leaving the subject open for him to reply. You could also tell him that you feel that since then he has been a bit distant with you and this hurts you. He might just have difficulty managing his disappointment. You might also want to think about what you are looking for in this relationship and then talk to him about what he is looking for. If you are not both on the same wavelength you could be in for some serious suffering. If he can only offer you fun and games from time to time it will be up to you to decide if this is what you want/can live with or not. The only way to be really sure is to talk about these things, communication is vital. Good luck(*hug*)
Are you seriously only 14? Because that sounds like something a... well, 20yo or somewhere around there would write. And this guy is 6ft at 14? Or around 14? Shit... and just when I was starting to feel tall-ish. Okay, enough about my issues, now on to yours. *grin* I've had one or two people in my life who sound like your Nick. The people who I'm head over heels for but they just won't stop doing things that hurt me, which is essentially what I'm getting from what you've written. First off, he's not your everything. No one person is anyone's "everything" and seriously, some guy you're only quasi-dating/seeing should definitely not be your everything. You need to let that go if you want to be able to address the situation in a productive way--otherwise you will give this guy too much power over you. So, let's go by what you've said: he hurt you once to the point you didn't talk to him for months. Currently he essentially won't sort himself out and pick you, which hurts. Currently he is very hot and cold with you, which also hurts you. So despite his surface perfectness for you, you need to consider his actions, not his words, because they do really speak louder than words, or appearances. I understand that, as a young gay vegan, there are not going to be a lot of obvious options out there in terms of boyfriends. But, and this is a big but, you need to respect yourself enough and be strong enough to really know what you want in a person. And from what you've said, you want pretty much everything Nick does not seem willing to give. In fact, I would say the question is not whether he will give you what you want but whether, in fact, he can. Do you know, ultimately, what the number one criteria for a boyfriend is? Or a friend, even? They have to WANT to be your boyfriend and they have to be able to clearly communicate that. Because, ultimately, if the person in question is ambivalent about their feelings for you, you do not have a relationship. A relationship is a two-way street and it requires both parties to be invested in the other to a certain degree. I'm not saying Nick is a bad guy or even that maybe someday he will sort himself out and stop treating you like shit, but right now, from what you've said? He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. If he did, he wouldn't keep hurting you like this because he would care enough about your feelings to be sensitive to them, and so he would realise that how he was behaving was having a negative impact on you, and he would make an effort to change that. And until he does that, even if you guys end up officially in a relationship, you are going to keep getting hurt. A lot of people in life go through it inadvertently hurting others without specific malicious intent but simply because other people LET themselves be treated poorly by these people. And even though they don't mean to hurt anyone, the end result is the same. Of course you are capable of being loved. I cannot imagine someone who wrote something that insightful would not get noticed and appreciated. But this guy Nick obviously has a lot of his own issues that do not really have anything to do with you, and while he may harbour feelings for you, he obviously doesn't harbour strong enough feelings that they cut through his issues and allow him to see how cool you are. And you deserve someone whose breath you take away, who is taken aback by you, and who basically has no doubt in their mind that you are awesome. You deserve, in short, reciprocity. You deserve someone who is as excited by you as you are by him. So what I would do if I were in your situation is sit Nick down, pour your heart out to him that he makes you feel all tingly inside, but let him know that his on-and-off-ness hurts and that you want (and deserve) someone who is as crazy for you as you are for them. Then give him a bit of time to come around (say maybe three or four weeks) and after that, if he is still upsetting you more than appreciating you, you will know that you tried your best and that you need to move on. And then you will need to let go by taking to heart the fact that you tried as best you knew how and ultimately he was the one who couldn't take the necessary steps towards you. Hope that helps; I know what a tough situation you're in.
joeyconnick, thank you so much for your insightful words! Now, I warn you all, a rant is coming. It's a bit confusing, so I'll do it in bullets: -Nick does not like me in that way. In fact, I doubt he even likes me as a friend at this point. -He likes two people, both named Alex. One is my dear friend Alex, a really sweet girl who totally deserves him (oh, I forgot to mention Nick is bisexual. Slight ick factor, but beside the point). The other one is Alex. Yes, that Alex. My ex-boyfriend. I swear to God, I live in an episode of Degrassi. -I am an over-dramatic cow who doesn't know how to cope with pain. -Nick does not understand my weird coping techniques, and is all like "FINE THEN I'LL JUST STOP LIKING THESE PEOPLE, WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?", etc., essentially adding insult to injury. I have the worst luck, I swear. </rant>
haha your life writes itself like a soap. its quite interesting. but really, i think you should just talk to Nick and lay everything out on the table. get things clear as to your feeligns for each other and whats holding him back. and if things don't work out, then it's probably for the best. i know its an overused phrase but it is true. if he doesnt want to give the relationship 110%, then i dont think its worth going for. who knows...maybe youll meet some guy way more perfect...er than nick. and if nick doesn't appreciate you for everything you have including yoru faults, then he's got issues. im sure you're a great guy and therell be plenty more guys if this one doesn't work out.
Wow the guy you like getting with your ex. that suycks majorly, screw them if they dont want you its their loss. You'll find someone better.
