I really can't seem to date at all. I was told by one person that I am too pushy, so I backed off on my next date. Then that date thought I didn't care because I backed off too much and so I tried to even it out with the next date who said I was being too pushy. I really liked all of my dates because I don't even go on one if I don't think the person and I have a good chance (if I don't feel there's a chance, what's the point.) I would go on the date and learn more about the person and like them even more because of what I learned. Since I gained such an attraction, I would find it hard to balance how often I contacted them. I can't ask "what would I like?" because I would like someone to talk to me almost all the time. So, if I treated others as I would want to be treated, I would seem really really pushy. All of my dates have resulted in them accusing me of doing something wrong (either doing something too much or not doing enough of another.) I would cut off contact with them after that because if I'm going to be accused like this before the date even gets off the ground, then I question what the rest of the relationship will be like (will they be constantly complaining about me?). Also, it would just be awkward being friends with them because I would be irritated for a while from being told how to behave and basically told "you're wrong." I simply couldn't be friends with someone like that. With this, I'm kind of ready to just give up for a while until I either learn how to behave like a "normal person" before I start dating again or just learn to be okay with being single. Because, to be honest, it's really starting to hurt my self-esteem always being told I'm doing something "wrong" by people. And it's starting to make me feel like I have some problem that I need to fix. I'm also starting to loose an alarming amount of patience and an even more alarming amount of hope as each date comes and goes. Now, is there really a problem with this? Or is it just a simple fact that I havn't found anyone yet that can give me what I need (a classic mismatch of personalities)? *I'm dating in the 21-25 year old age range since I'm 22 and am only looking for something long-term. For some reason, casual dating would just bother me.*
My suggestion is that you find a counselor or therapist to help you work out what your problem areas are and what you might be able to work on. If you're in school, you may be able to take advantage of free or reduced charge counseling. If not, many counselors use a sliding scale to charge their clients so that it's still affordable.
So, I should change myself in order to make someone else happy? That doesn't sound very healthy to me.
I think it's less about changing yourself to make someone else happy, and more about the fact that your behavior (according you what you have said) seems to be inhibiting your ability to date, so maybe you should figure out WHY it is that you do what you do and how you can come to a balance of too much and too little. It's not necessarily that you're always wrong, or that it's always your fault that you're not meshing with these people, but if it literally happens EVERY time you go on a date with someone, it might be time for a new approach to the problem.
I see two possibilities: 1: You're connecting with a series of people, all of whom are socially inept and/or unable to sustain a healthy relationship. If your friends are really saying "You're wrong" using those words (rather than using other words that you intrepret as "you're wrong") then they don't have the best social interaction skills. 2: You've got some behaviors of your own, or beliefs about the way that others behave, that are outside the social norm, which are making it difficult for you to connect with others. Changing yourself to make another person happy is never a good idea. But exploring your own shortcomings, getting an outside opinion (such as from a therapist) about how you come across, and finding ways in which you might improve the way you interact and communicate is actually a very smart idea. All of us have issues that affect how we relate to others. These stem from family-of-origin issues, our own self-perceptions, insecurities, self esteem issues, and other factors. But we are usually not very aware of them unless we've had someone point them out, such as a therapist, who is a neutral party who is trained to understand and assist with these issues. From what you've said, I would be inclined to believe there could be a bit of #1 and a bit of #2 in your situation. Without knowing more, it would be difficult to say which is the most predominant. But in any case, I do agree with Liam that you could benefit considerably from some therapy.
