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Caught in a rad bromance?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by predator9089, Aug 1, 2011.

  1. predator9089

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    So glad I found this web site and I'm really impressed with the members and the civility and helpfulness of the conversations and advice.

    I was reading the other thread about 'bromance problems' and thought i'd start my own since i have bromance problems, but they are post-coming out related since he knew I was gay when we first met 3 years ago.

    So this dude is my best male friend, my only current male friend actually since i've always had trouble making friends with guys (I Love You, Man much? I'm single, btw). He's awesome, first guy to totally understand me as a person and I share absolutely everything about myself with him and vice versa. We can't wait to see each other again when we are apart. We both help out each other, him helping me with my self-esteem and depression, and me helping him see the positives of settling down with a stable job and being more mature rather than jumping from one thing to the next. But here's the thing...he's my younger sister's boyfriend :thumbsup:

    I've had a crush on him for most of the time since I've known him and he knows that and doesn't mind and even teases me about it and flirts with me on purpose (which is not easy for me, let me tell you! he just likes pissing me off i think and doesn't realize the effect he has on me). He's super secure in his (straight) sexuality, and even experimented one time with a guy when he was young. He tells me i'm hot and that he would be with me in a second if he was gay and jokes(?) he would go out with me if he ever broke up with my sister or live with me if she decided to move to Vancouver Island. It was really bad last year, since it went past crush to me actually being in love with him, and it's been difficult ever since for me, but i'm managing it pretty good. I just have no one to talk to who is in a similar situation and have to deal with it on my own.

    He has told me he thinks of me as a brother, which at first really turned me off since I don't have a positive connotation with the idea of family in general. But i do see what he means, and of course the relationship cannot go any deeper than that. It's also hard because he is a very 'touchy' kind of guy, whereas I am not, so there is that whole aspect where he will touch me and think nothing of it, but i'm super scared to do the same thing because I'm worried he will take it the wrong way. I'm just overreacting right? Is it bad to just want to cuddle with your male companions once in a while? (eg. while watching a movie on the couch). How do people deal with these sort of weird relationships???

    My sister is fine with everything, though she doesn't know the extent to which i like him. It's a good dynamic though because me and her get to hang out a lot more than we would since they live together. Then again, the whole dymanic of brother, sister, and sister's boyfriend is efffed up. Hahaha. It creates these weird jealous moments and I can't control my moods sometimes lol, and he is very good at reading people like i am so he knows right away if i'm in a bad mood but doesn't know it's because of the dynamic we have going. Oh well. It makes life interesting. And it helps me develop my already amazing self-control!

    FYI, I'm 26, he's 31 and she's 23. Sorry this is so long, kind of a weird situation that needs a lot of explaining to understand (!) :help:
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    It more or less looks like everything's aboveboard, and everybody's on the same page. My only concern would be that you stick with this guy at the exclusion of everybody else. You know, because hey, nobody understands you like he does, and meeting people is so difficult, and you already feel comfortable with him, and hey, you don't really need a boyfriend that badly, and besides, hey, you never know...

    It's that mindset that leads to some rather unhappy times.

    Lex
     
  3. Marlowe

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    I am kind of rowing in the same boat, also being in love (madly in love really) with my straight best friend. He is also touchy, and I am not at all. Although, I am not out I know he will be totally chill. He gets on really well with gay guys. I do kind of wish we could cuddle once in a while, especially since my female friends do it all the time regardless of their orientation, but I guess the reality of the world we live in is that this is not the norm for guys unfortunately, so I guess you have to be a bit more direct and break some norms.

    I once got some advice about why we gay guys are constantly falling in love with our straight best friends (or why straight girls often fall for us for that matter). When you have a really close relationship like that, your bromance almost becomes a boyfriend lite. You have all the trappings of a close male relationship, only without the physical aspect and even then you get a little of it. He ostensibly embodies everything you would want in your boyfriend, except of course that he is unfortunately straight. I would got with Lexington and add the advice to try to figure out what exactly you like in this guy and try to find someone with those same attributes.

    I wish I could be more helpful, but there is no good answer. If only they were gay... hope springs eternal.
     
  4. Yuki Shihoin

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    I was kinda stuck in this sitaution for awhile as well. This one really amazing friend of mine I have known since pre-school (Yeah, that long), well, I had the hugest crush on him for the longest time, the problem being, he's totally straight. Actually, scratch that, he doesn't really show any attraction to females at all either. But he's amazing, very kind and understanding, he acts like a goof sometimes but he can be serious when the situation demands. He's really smart (A bit of a perfectionist), athletic, good looking, so on and so on. While I know nothing will ever happen beyond us than just being friends (He actually doesn't know of my orientation or attraction to him), I love being able to just be around him and spend time and stuff like that (Sometimes I even catch myself thinking how nice it would be to snuggle with him every once in awhile ). What I think I'm saying is that cherish the time you can spend with him as though you were together (Something I always do around my friend,even though my crush is dying down) and then if your dying for something more, I'd take what the posts above me said and find out why you like him so much and go out and find someone like him.

    Best of luck!
     
  5. Lexington

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    >>>If only they were gay... hope springs eternal.

    It's something I call "convenience crushing". It's especially common when you're still in the closet. You find yourself drawn to somebody straight (or otherwise unavailable) in your life. You start thinking "We're so close, and we're such good friends. If only he were gay, it'd be absolutely perfect. Who needs to bother with all that work and potential heartbreak of coming out, and looking for a guy who might be interested? This guy is the perfect one for me."

    Which he isn't. Y'know, because he's NOT GAY. :slight_smile:

    >>>figure out what exactly you like in this guy and try to find someone with those same attributes.
    >>>...go out and find someone like him.

    Actually, don't. This is sort of a recipe for disaster. It sets up your not-boyfriend as the ideal. And guess what? Everybody you meet is going to "fall short". Your not-boyfriend is going to be cuter. Or smarter. Or easier to talk to. Or share more common interests. Or better at backgammon. And so long as you're using him as a guideline, no guy is going to be able to measure up. Which means you'll feel comfortable tossing them all by the wayside, and going back to the original thought. "If only he were gay, he'd be perfect."

    It's a vicious cycle, and I've seen more than one person sacrifice their happiness (and indeed, their entire dating/sex lives) on the altar of the "ideal straight guy". I know at least one guy who didn't bother dating or having sex with anybody, because he found his ideal guy - who was straight. And since nobody could be as good as "ideal guy", he simply stopped looking. He decided he'd rather moon after "ideal guy" than "settle for less". And maybe, just maybe, "ideal guy" would come around.

    You know how long he stuck with it? Fourteen years.

    If this were a movie, we know how this would end. "Ideal guy" finally understanding that this gay guy was really the only one for him, and he always had feelings for him, too, and it would end with a long, drawn-out kiss (and presumably an exceptionally wild and messy sex session after the fade to black).

    You know how it really ended? "Ideal guy" got married. To a woman. Who felt more than a little creeped out about the gay guy making gaga eyes ate her husband all the time. Which led her to ask "ideal guy" if gay guy could stop hanging out quite so much?

    I dunno. A lot of people seem to like the soap opera aspect of it. There seems to be part of them that likes playing the martyr. "L'amour, l'amour, toujours l'amour, I'm sure." And I'm not saying it don't suck, and I don't feel bad for when it happens. But if you choose to ensconce yourself in the situation, it ceases being unfortunate and tragic...and starts heading towards pathetic. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. predator9089

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    Many thanks to the people who have replied so far.

    @Marlowe: I was hoping you would reply, I saw you in the other bromance thread! Wow, madly in love huh? Thankfully that stage has passed for me but I was like that last year. I guess what helped me is the impossibility of it all. He's straight, i'm gay, it's not like i'm suddenly going to switch to being straight, so how can he ever switch to being gay? It's just not going to happen. Doesn't mean it can't be an awesome relationship, but it's gonna be more difficult than most friend relationships for sure. I think after you come out to him it will make things easier too, as things are when everything is in the open. I find the gay guy-straight guy relationship so fascinating and i've read a bit about it like you, but there hasn't been much research on it. You are totally right though about the boyfriend lite thing, I even joked with my friend that's he's my 'secret boyfriend' and he actually thought it was really funny. But then I didn't keep it up because I realized I didn't want the word boyfriend there at all, even jokingly, when it's never gonna happen. On another note, are you saying I should break some social norms and let you know how it goes :wink:? (I think a lot of straight guys sort of 'cuddle' sometimes, we all have a need for male touch).

    @Lex: Thanks for the welcome! Your advice is totally great and of course that is what i need to do, but it's hard. It's good to hear advice from other people to confirm what you think. I was totally gonna call Marlowe on his 'hope springs eternal' too haha :slight_smile:. It's really great to hear your story about the 'ideal straight guy', thank you for sharing. You really tell it like it is! Did the guy end up snapping out of it after the fourteen years?

    @Yuki Shihoin: Wow since preschool?? Crazy. I find it interesting that you say he doesn't have any attraction to females either. How do you know he's straight then? Or are you just saying that to give yourself some hope with him :wink:? I totally agree how great it is just to be around him and spend time together and it's a bit of consolation considering the relationship will not become romantic. It's funny because me and my friend don't talk as much as he does with his other friends when they hang out together, we just like being around each other. Just be thankful you don't have the added dynamic of my sister beind his girlfriend...extra layer of weirdness.

    Anyhow, hope more people reply, and now that I think about it, I hope my story can help those who are still in the closet with their buddies to see that a relationship between a gay and straight guy can work pretty well, when everything is in the open.
     
  7. Lexington

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    >>>Did the guy end up snapping out of it after the fourteen years?

    Thankfully, yes. He finally started dating, and has actually been with the same guy now for a couple of years. No idea how that relationship is, to be honest, since he now lives 2000 miles away...

    Lex
     
  8. Yuki Shihoin

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    Yeah, preschool! Its really interesting to look back, when I remember sitting outside around one of those colorful little kid tables and eating strawberries with him and the other kids at snack time and then I look at here where I am now, still crushing pretty hard on him despite trying to move on. Actually, it's true, I don't recall him ever having a GF and he never talks about girls like my other guy friends do (That isn't to say he hasn't got a few of them talking about him, he's apparently quite the hot item in school) or anything and me and my brother and some other friends when we get together like to tease him about it sometimes and he has never once (At least not in my memory) denied anything related to his orientation, or admitted anything on that note (Not that he hasn't played along sometimes) *sighs* but I digress. He's a confusing guy, but I like him anyway ^_^...........and I'm super glad that extra weirdness isn't there.....I can't imagine how odd it would feel to like your sisters boyfriend as much as you do, so kudos to you for being able to put up with that, I know I'd have a hard time with it.

    "To truly love someone is to always put thier feelings before your own...No matter what." One of my favorite quotes from a manga I like and I do think it rings true. I do love him so much, its been building for years, and as long as he is happy with his life and things go well for him, then I am happy for him. And hey, if by some chance his happiness involves me one day, then I'd be even happier! But for right now, I'll just cherish the time I do spend with him and I can admire from afar.

    So if anything, you have that right? You still have him even if you can't be together, your still friends and you have a relationship. It could be a lot worse after all and you two could very well just be total strangers but that's not the case thankfully. If not lovers, than I think you could most certainly aim for best friends and from what you've said it definitely seems like your on the right track.

    Sorry for so many words.....I had a lot to say, but good luck! I'm rooting for you! ^_^
     
  9. predator9089

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    It could be a lot worse after all and you two could very well just be total strangers but that's not the case thankfully.

    Yes, or we could have had a big falling out and never speak again like what sometimes happens between gay and straight guy friends! I'm so glad you're rooting for me :slight_smile:

    You have a very wise way of viewing your relationship. Mature for your age! By the way, it's funny because i'm very straight acting and no body i know really had any signals from me that I was gay before I came out, but my best girl friend was the only one who suspected and said that the only thing that made her suspect was that I didn't talk about girls like her other guy friends did. Don't get your hopes up too much though :slight_smile:
     
  10. Yuki Shihoin

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    Thank you! I've been told that a few times before and it always feels good to hear it again. Anyway, nah, I'm not. It's Just a little dream I have tucked away in the back of my mind, whether it comes to fruition is up to fate.
     
  11. Marlowe

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    This is the hazard of the way I write and think, sort of out loud in my head. I actually meant that last line more as an admonishment than a statement, but I forgot that I can't convey my inflection in writing. I am completely prescient of the fact that any hope is a fools hope and that I really need to get over it. He is moving away for grad school, and I think this time apart will likely help settle my feelings a bit. How did you get over the most intense part of your crush? Did it just go away on its own?
     
  12. predator9089

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    Oh I totally get what you meant now Marlowe, no worries. That Lex sure catches every little thing you write that can be construed as not healthy! I'm sorry to hear that your friend is moving away for school, that's going to be a big transition and I hope you can still stay close.

    Wow that's a tough question. I can't really think of one thing that helped me get over the most intense part. I guess there was an incident where I misinterpreted song lyrics he sent me and thus he confirmed to me that he was totally straight and he shouldn't have been so ambiguous and flirty lol. I also feel like the logical side of me finally kicked in after a while, and helped temper the feelings I had since they would never be reciprocated. I just had to accept and appreciate what we had between us and that it would not progress into anything romantic. The feelings are still there for me, just subdued now.