People usually talk about attractive people they have seen or actually have some kind of sexual appetite, but I don't. When I'm out and about, I'm usually not paying attention to who's attractive, unless they somehow get my attention--like stop me to ask a question or something. I'm not the type that's actively looking around for girls who I think are hot. I never used to think that this was much of a problem, but it does end up lonely in the long run. I mean, I'm 26 and I've never been out on a real date and I never have had a girlfriend. Most of that had to do with me avoiding relationships due to me being in the closet about my gender identity. Now that I'm not in the closet, my mind often drifts to wondering about my sexuality. Not that I'm questioning it, but rather wondering why nothing is happening with it. It seems like I am still content with being on my own, but a part of me isn't. It's actually pretty confusing.
I know that, for me, dating and relationships were even harder when I was in the closet (I haven't even attempted since I came out), as I was always forced into this horribly male role in the relationship that I was never comfortable with. Intimacy in relationships was so bad that I haven't done anything since 2005 and I pretty have no plans in the near future for that to change. I'm also really lonely, and I've pretty much deleted any dating profile I have on online sites as meeting people who don't know who I really am just makes things more difficult for later on I think. While I'm still coming to terms with my sexuality, I'm now getting fairly confident enough to say that I am gay, which makes things worse, as I'd rather be friends rather than have a relationship with the women I meet. As for noticing 'hot' girls, normally I don't really notice anyone specifically unless they in some way stand out, & even then she has to be fairly close by for me to notice. I will say that I DO notice a girl's wardrobe ALL the time. If I'm out & I see something I really like that some woman is wearing, then I'm looking at the jeans/top/shoes/accessories themselves, not necessarily her, which can possibly result in awkward moments if I look too long or even misinterpretation (ie she thinks I'm checkeing her out, just not the way that I am checking her out). All of this just leads to further frustration for me sometimes, as it can be a reminder of where I am in my own journey & not where I want to be yet...
