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I'm obviously gay and simply cannot accept it!!!!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lakeside25, Aug 3, 2011.

  1. lakeside25

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    I'm a gay guy, and I have fully accepted my sexuality and come accross confident etc. However I am also camp and therefore naturally obviously gay, and this aspect of it I cannot simply accept. It has been eating me up for years and years, and holds me back in numerous situations.

    I have tried to change over years and years of feeling like this, I've sometimes felt like losing the will to live. I absolutley hate my voice, and if I could change it I would. Im also slim and petite and therefore my actions, body langauge and everything about me is so very obvious in my sexual orientation. Although i am confident on the outside and have some great friends and support, for some reason I am always wondering what people are thinking of me, and I often get looks, remarks and comments. I feel a bit of an outcast as i feel im always being judged.

    Although my life is completly normal as in I live everyday life like every other person, not putting on a 'camp' show as in 'look at me' kind of thing! I simply just get on with life, but as soon as I speak I see the person's face and my heart sinks. I do not put on my campness and often try and avoid certain situations, because I know people will instantly make pre perceptions and assumptions of me, sometimes of a homophobic nature.

    I simply cannot seem to get out of it, which holds me back in a lot of things where I freeze in certain situations and start hurting inside, because I know i dont feel normal and feel of a very femenine nature. It makes me feel lonely and vunrable that I simply cannot come out of this rut and accept that this is me. Although Im happy with my sexuality I simply have a major self acceptance issue and I am approaching my mid-20's with my birthday only a couple of weeks away which made me think!

    I have accomplished a fair bit at a young age, but a lot of sitautions will hold me back, and I do not know what to do, as I know I am feeling at an all time low, even though inside this is of a normal feeling on a daily basis. It feels Im just never going to get out of it and feel happy and confident on the inside and out. I feel i have so much more to accomplish, but this set-back will destroy me inside if i do not overcome my self-acceptance issues!!!!
     
  2. British Lad

    British Lad Guest

    First off Welcome to EC and (*hug*)
    It can be difficult but you have to try and not care about want people think and try to build up conferance. Thats my two cents I hope this helps, hopefuly somebody with some more experance can help you more.
     
  3. Zontar

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    How can you possibly be "camp" by nature?

    Being gay is one thing, certainly. But if you're upset by the way you're acting...you don't have to act like that you know. Height and stuff has nothing to do with it too; my mother hired a (very straight) personal trainer who was very short-statured. If you wish, you can always embark on a training regimen to bulk up and more closely fit the male role.
     
  4. malachite

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    You haven't said anything about mentality that doesn't apply to everyone in the world, all people are self concious. the more don't seem to be the more they most likely are.

    I'll tell ya a little story:

    When I was in college there was this girl, smokin hot. Every straight guy wanted her, but she was a total bitch. Confidence oozed off of her like like mud on a pig.

    One thing she had a mole on her neck.

    One day when she was being a particularly nasty human being, I mention her "gross" mole (in reality it was tiny) of course she said no one noticed and people though it was cute (which it kinda was I guess) I told her that people only said that because they didn't want to hurt her feelings, though way is beyond me since she never thought of anyone else's. The onyl reason she got so much attention was because she was hot. She told me I was a nobody and I'd always be one.


    Next semester damn if she hadn't had that mole lasered off, the opinion of a tiny nobody must have really gotten to her and her mighty ego.
     
  5. Markio

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    There's the Serenity Prayer:

    "God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change,
    courage to change the things I can,
    and wisdom to know the difference."

    There is nothing wrong with being feminine or flamboyant, even if it's involuntary. I have a really high voice, too. I used to be embarrassed by it, but I'm not consciously doing anything to try and bother people. If others judge you for something so trivial as the way you speak or the shape of your body, then "they can go suck it," as Kathy Griffin would say. Their judgments say a lot more about them than it does about you. You are not at fault for being genuine.
     
  6. Zontar

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    :brofist:
     
  7. Chip

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    That's actually not at all true. While there are many of us who can "camp it up" when we choose and be straight the rest of the time, there are quite a few people who simply don't have it in them to not be "camp."

    Joe Kort talks about this in his book; a patient who came in who was so ridiculously campy that he (Kort) was convinced it must be an act and surely the guy would break the character and the real person would emerge... but he came to understand that not only was that not the case, but it caused him to look at his own internalized homophobia toward overly "femmy" guys.

    I think your comment may have unintentionally devalued and disrespected the feelings of the OP, who obviously isn't comfortable with how he comes across. Rather than simply telling him "stop acting that way", I would suggest that we instead validate and encourage who he is, rather than further the very fear that he brought to us in the first place.
     
  8. ezkill

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    Dear Lakeside,

    Your post has sort of opened my eyes. I used to think many "campy" or "feminine" gay, or straight, individuals acted that way because they wanted to put on a show. I never really thought negatively of them, I just thought they were putting on an act like everyone else. However now, I realize this isn't the case.

    Learn to embrace yourself, and value yours and other people's differences. I know it's easy for other people to say "don't be so self-conscious", but I know it's difficult to do. For many years I used to think I was weird, different, and unattractive. One day, many years ago, a good friend and mentor of mine told me that if I kept my chin up, smiled more, and believed a bit more in myself, then that people would notice and embrace who I am.

    If someone actually IS judging you for being "camp", or criticizes you for it, then you don't need that person in your life. Your life is about you and what you think. You can accomplish anything you want. Don't let someone else have power over your thoughts, actions, and decisions.

    Just my two cents.
     
  9. Filip

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    First off: (*hug*)

    I don't know whether this will make you feel a bit better, but there are moments when I have the exact inverse feeling. I'm pretty straight acting myself, and normally people will never find out I'm gay until I explicitely come out to them. There was one time I went to a gay bar with a friend and I got taken for a really supportive straight friend xD

    Why is this a problem you ask? Because I tend to feel it held me back a lot. It was easy being closeted. So easy I hung on to the closet untill well after university (the point where most people come out and use uni to actually go out and meet people). When I do come out to people, the worst part is feeling like I lied to them for a long time because I knew I could get away with it. And, quite frankly, I sometimes imagine that if I would broadcast my gayness more, I'd have an easier time actually randomly attracting gay people. Which makes me think that if I was more obviously gay, I would have been forced into self-acceptance earlier, instead of spending 12 or so years in deep denial, locked with myself in my closet. When I see camp people with an attitude of "I am who I am and I don't care what anyone else things", I'm jealous. Though your post makes me wonder now how much of that attitude is just an act.

    Then again, when I confess such feelings to my friends, they mention that they're pretty amazed I feel this way. They never blamed me for lying. They like how I managed to focus on school instead of partying. And they say that the way I act just fits me right, and implore me not to change.


    So, what I'm trying to say is: we all have things we'd like to change, and it's natural to imagine life would be better if things were different. But most of that is in our head. Most of it is overanalysing. a lot of what you see in people's reactions might just be you acting as if your worst fears are at risk of coming through and interpreting everything in that light.

    Perhaps the second lesson to draw from this is that it helps to be open about your fears. Have you ever talked to your friends about this? Sometimes it's best to "come out" with insecurity and allow your friends to give some support on that front as well.


    I think the best way to self-acceptance is the road ahead. Try to see when you're avoiding situations, and tackle them head-on instead. Don't obsess on what first impression you're making, but keep up the conversation and trust to win people over with on your personality, so they see past any mannerisms. And remind yourself that, even if you might meet with rejection, every so often someone genuine will come accross, who will accept you and who you wouldn't have met if you hadn't stuck your neck out. Every success is a stepping stone to better self-acceptance.
     
  10. lakeside25

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    I would just like to thank everyone for their comments, apart from the obvious above!

    Firstly i would like to point out that i use to go to the gym, and had a very masculine straight personal trainer , so that certainly didnt work worked!!!!!!

    And secondly if my mannerisms, voice and acting was as easy to get rid of as a mole then beleive me it would have been long gone!

    Other then those comments, i would like to thank everyone for their else, and I get all of you, i didnt post this for sympathy, or a sorry or 'lets get the violins out' I posted it to try and relate to the other thousands of people out their who are gay and have their own acceptance issues, and try and ease the insecurities within myself to realise that there are others out there, just like me, which i dont know.....so for those of u who replied with your stories i really do appreciate it.