I know a lot of people are looking forward to coming out of the closet and starting their life. What if that's not enough for me? What if I have nothing to look forward to? I feel like I'm living for no reason, no purpose, not even enjoying it. I feel too "ruined" as a person to start over, I will never stop believing I might be going to hell so I'll never have peace. I'm lost, can't even fall asleep until until my body is too exhausted and I can't think anymore. Being lonely makes everything seem worse too. Please don't suggest therapy, it's just not going to happen. I'm perfectly aware of my situation, not blinded by any negatives hormones. My problem is my belief in God and what I expect out of life. I'm young but it already stings when I see couples or people with kids. I know I'll never give my family that kind of peace, I know this lifestyle won't even give me peace. I don't like spreading this negativity, but I am close to losing it. I am already unemployed and not going to college. I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
(*hug*) Can you tell me a little more about your religious beliefs? Why do you think you're going to Hell? I really do think therapy would benefit you. Therapy isn't always about correcting hormones (in fact, talk therapy almost never is). Rather, it's about reshaping the way you interact with the world so that you're more comfortable with it. A therapist could help make you feel more comfortable about being gay, help you to find resources that would help take away your fear of Hell. For that, it might be best to work with a spiritual leader rather than a traditional therapist, but, again we'll have to know more about your religious tradition. It is entirely possible to have a family, a picket fence, the whole American dream, within a homosexual relationship. And it is totally possible to be a firm believer in God and in almost every religious tradition while being gay. Really, therapy will help.
It's hard for me to be the first poster on this thread because I don't want to give you the wrong advice. Please just hear me out, and understand that your not in this alone. I too have had these feelings. I spent many nights histerically crying in my room, begging God to make me straight, and asking him why he made me this way. Suicide became too real of an option for me, looking back it scares me. I know I can't tell you to be happy, but I can tell you that I thought I was at the end of the road for a while, and things turned around. Hell, my parents are still going through a divorce. It's been seven years, I don't even know how much longer I'll be able to go to college, but I understand that even if I'm dragged through the mud, and kicked around by life, I can still get up and find my own path. As for God, who knows if he exists or not. people can tell you he does, they can tell you you will go to hell, but do they know for sure? The bible has been around for thousands of years. It has been rewritten, and mistranslated. The biggest problem with religion is it's not God's word, it's man's word. Like Shakespeare once said "even the devil can quote scripture for his purpose." and remember, Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. I too had to crush my future plans at having kids of my own. I might disappoint my family, but that's a mere price to pay for the freedom to be true to myself. I don't know if I've made my point yet, and I don't want to ramble, but your not the only one who has been through this before. There are people who love you, and people who can help you. Things might look dark now, but believe someone who's been there, it doesn't have to stay that way.
In life you need to take risks, and such risks include coming out. Coming out means you dont need to live an lie anymore to the people you are out to. Well if you unemployed, and have alot of trouble looking for work then consider doing volunteer work. It would help alot with your self esteem and you will learn new skills. Never know the volunteer work could lead to paid work. I wish you luck on the journey you take.
What is your religion? I'm guessing Christian, although that's still a broad category. There are groups/resources online that explain how being gay is not evil, and how you can be both Christian and gay. "Gay Christian Network" comes to mind (I actually just googled "gay" and "christian"). In terms of being lonely, the internet is again a great resource. I have been around EC all summer because my friends live far away, and most of them are not gay. This site is a great resource in terms of hearing others' stories and surrounding yourself with others who're dealing with many of the same issues.
What is this lifestyle you speak of? Being gay isn't a lifestyle, that is just a stereotype, a stereotype based on...prejudice. It's like a person saying "I don't want to be black because I don't want to live the rapper/hiphop lifestyle". Forget therapy - there is nothing wrong with you - nothing that needs to be "fixed". You are perfect the way you are. It might sound harsh but you're gonna have to get over it - and your biggest obstacle may not be those around you, it could be yourself. Who cares if you won't have a perfect marriage with kids - look at the threads in the support section about gay dudes with "the perfect life" who are going crazy because they have been living a lie for 20-30? years. There are a lot of worse things than being gay. I look at families and couples and I think "that's great for them". That is their path, but yours can be something different. There is so much you can do with your life. Write a resume and start applying for jobs - any jobs that interests you or anything you can tolerate that will allow you to meet interesting people. Don't worry if the job makes next to no money - what do you need money for? You don't have a family to support, no stress. Get a job, move to a different city, meet new people, go to crazy parties, go to a shrine and meditate for 8 hours a day, become a Hari Krishna, go work at a juice stand on the beach in Hawaii, read crazy amounts of books, write, run marathons, do whatever you want. Just trust me, do it. You are young and you won't be young forever so just do whatever crazy things you want to do. Open your mind. There is nothing to lose - no children to feed, no people to support. Don't worry about your parents' reaction or your church's reaction - let them worry about themselves. There are lots of interesting people outside your family/village/church/country and you are missing out.
I would agree with Liam. Mental health professionals do lot more than just prescribe medicine. I saw a counselor at my university during a troubling time in my life and all we did was talk. I didn't have any friends at the time with whom I felt I could share my depressive feelings and my anxiety. It was incredibly helpful to have someone else to talk to and it helped me change the way I thought about life and myself. I think it could be beneficial because it seems like you need to figure out and maybe talk out exactly why you feel the way do -- that you are ruined, that your life has no purpose etc. I also faced problems with sleep for a long time, and like you the only way I could ever fall asleep was from exhaustion. This was terrible because I would like wide awake in bed and could not control my thoughts. Inevitably they led down a road of negativity. I found that small changes to my life worked wonders in this area: A regular sleep schedule -- if I went to bed late I would still wake up at the same time No caffeine after noon No computer 1 hour before bed No work 1 hour before bed Exercise everyday if only a long walk I found that once I began sleeping regularly, I actually felt a lot better emotionally.
theWorldisYours, very good point! Religeon is not the word of god, but the word of man. Even god is a concept defined by humans, and the truth is, nobody can tell you what god really is. Its some fuzzy concept that no one in the church will admit that they know nothing about. And Jesus is a concept that was written 50-100 years after he supposedly died and noone really knows if any of the stories are true and a lot of them a pretty far fetched anyways. So I would let go your attachment to the church's ideas about sexuality if I were you.
Please be careful about judging other's religious beliefs. As a Jewish theist my response is that it is important to dissect the philosophical aspect from the institutional aspect of religion. I personally believe that the Torah was divinely inspired, and you can choose to believe whatever you want. I also believe that this the source of moral understanding, not any rabbi or synagogue. Though they often help me understand, I ultimately get to determine for myself what is the valid interpretation. Thisisfate, I would urge you to do the same. Many people will make claims about what your religion says or believes, but it is up to you to find out if their claims are true. Try to find your own connection to God through the text. If you happen to be christian and possibly even if not, these threads might be of use: My advice about being LGBT and Christian -- An explication of the religious text concerning homosexuality in the bible Would God really want that -- A gay catholic youth ask if God wants him to remain celibate as his priest has told him
ok, you sound miserable. i can tell this because i hear myself in you and i'm miserable as well. lol. i have felt the same way you felt but i am starting to ask myself, if God knew me even before the foundation of the world, he knew i would go through this and have these feelings, he knew i would not want them, he knew i would try and live my life hiding them and suppressing them, and he also knew i would be miserable, crying night, virtually unhappy, and downright miserable. now why would God create me just to hate me? i do not think he would do this. when i hear how miserable people are, it's even more evidence that they have no control on their orientation. who would live their life miserable like this ? you have no control of your orientation. as far as what happens in the afterlife. i do not know who is getting in heaven or not. I'm not God. but i do know that even if you believe homosexuality is a sin, you also believe that all sin is the same in his eyes. sin is sin. so if sin is sin, and you think you will burn in hell for your orientation, then everyone else is a sinner too (for lying, for back biting, for gossiping, for glutteny, for ....the list goes on and on). my point is, i dont think God would want you to feel this unhappy. Keep hope alive man. Seek counselling, it can help. Check out books for Christians that are also going through this. REcently a mega church pastor came out and you can find his story on youtube. it's really great. anyway, dont do anything rash and definitely do not hurt yourself. and by teh way, all those families you are seeing, a lot of those guys are in teh same boat as you. they are even probably looking back at you wishing they could be with you but they decided to have a family. there are many people on here that were in that situation as well and were very very unhappy. you are not alone. God loves you. Be blessed.
Hi, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've felt comfortable enough to discuss these issues, and you're far from alone in how you are feeling right now. The first thing I'll say is... there's no timetable to come out except one you set for yourself. So if you want to say "never" for now, that's fine. However, I will say that I can all but guarantee you that your feelings will change, and you will eventually be OK with yourself as a gay person, you'll reconcile that with your faith, and at that point, you probably will want to come out. I've talked to so many people just like yourself who were in exactly the same place you are that I can say with a pretty high degree of confidence that you'll get to the same place, as hard as that may be to believe today. The anxiety and fear you're feeling are also a normal part of the coming-to-terms process. It's excruciating when you're going through it, but I assure you that, too, will get better. Now... as for therapy: I'm thinking you have a very negative perception about what therapy is and how it works. You can be perfectly aware of your situation, but you cannot possibly view your situation objectively. No one can; we all see the world through the filters of our own experiences, upbringing, beliefs, and other factors. What a good therapist can do is help you understand those filters and how they affect your thoughts and feelings about yourself. And a competent therapist will never, ever attempt to alter your sexual orientation or convince you that you aren't gay. But he or she will be extraordinarily helpful in helping you come to terms with who you are, and to accept and love yourself as you are, and to reconcile your religious beliefs as well. All of the other issues are solveable too. I know what it's like to feel depressed, to not want to get up in the morning, to feel like there are no options. But there are. And you will find them. You've already made a great first step by coming here and opening up to what you're feeling. If you stick around, I think you'll be really surprised at how much change can happen for you in a pretty short time.
OK I'm not going tell you to get therapy like the rest, although it will help you tremendously. if you are not ready to fix the problem then no amount of therapy will fix anything. Instead I am going to tell you a little bit of God and what he means in my life. Maybe that will give you some insight on that aspect. I don't know if you have ever read the novel series, The Chronicles of Narnia... it is a very good analogy and a very good read. Basically what Lewis Clark did was write this series for his daughter, to get her relationship closer to Jesus. It shows His compassion and his willing to forgive, but also to punish when it was deserved. Read it and you might have a slightly better insight into the character of Jesus. You almost sort of get to know him personally. Just remember it's an analogy, and Jesus can appear in any form or shape, has many names. Now on to the more serious parts... If you have the king's James version of the bible... trash it, burn it. That is published by the same people who publish the satanic bible, so things are not what they are supposed to be. Check the last book of the bible, the book of proverbs... it is a very scary part of the bible. It even predicted the 9/11 amongst a host of other things including the floods, drought, hunger and so forth. God also said that not even the angels in heaven knows the date on which He will come to Earth, so all the churches that predicts the date of accention as they call it is not the right church to be in. It also mention that near the end of days, God will make his plans known to the world, and one of them includes to show people what hell is really like. Here I am going to give you a link so you can listen to it. This will also give you an indication of who God and Jesus is and what their capabilities might be. Mary K Baxter interviewed by Sid Roth Part 1‏ - YouTube This happened in the 70's. She's not the only one that something like this happened to, here is a more recent account of a person in South America. Prepare to Meet your God, Angelica Zambrano (23 Horas Muerta) Science has even proofed the existence of hell... if you don't believe me, here is the link Researchers Record The Screams of the Damned I'm not going to talk much about churches as i do respect every religion, it is your story which church you belong to. but let me say this God said where ever there are 2 or more people gathered in his name, whether that be in a bush, at home, in a park or any where, He will be there in their presence. A church is just a building. I myself don't go to churches, not only because the gay people are shunned from our local churches, but churches who demands to have a debit order on your account to belong is just plain wrong. If i need upliftment i sometimes go to the Biker's Church, they are a good group of people and are very open minded. The rest of the time Me and hubby have our own time for God during the days. This might not help your cause, but i hope that it will help heal your relationship with God. He is the light and that light will guide you on the right path.
